Forward Motion

 I am finally getting to my "New Year" post.  I approached this year a little differently than I have in past years.  I decided not to set any resolutions or intentions that I knew I would never keep.  In other words, I did not tell myself I was going "lose 20 pounds by May!" Let's get real. I love carbs and I hate getting off the couch. It's just not going to happen. Instead, I started really thinking about how I wanted my life to look. What would FEEL good to me. What would be some ways I could start to evolve in my life that would be completely doable, and exciting. Things that would improve my mental, emotional and physical health. But before any of that happened, I needed to address the elephant in the room. The one thing that has been looming over me for the last few years, and has been preventing me from moving forward.  So, I wrote my former husband a message. I told him that I needed closure. I needed him to take some ownership in our divorce. I have been beating myself up and hating myself EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past four + years, and it is eating me alive. It consumes me. It haunts me. It is destroying me. I know he told his parents (and I'm assuming everyone else in his world) that I was the reason for the divorce. And I just let him.  I have always put him up on a pedestal...he was this man who could do no wrong. Everyone loves Mark. Hell, my aunt disowned me, and chose him when she found out we were splitting up. And because I was the one who made the mistakes in the end of the relationship, I let him blame me. I never called him out on all of the things that led up to the decisions I made in the many years prior. The pain I felt and the things I went through didn't matter. And I owned it all. I took all the blame. And I finally realized that this was NOT fair.  No marriage dissolves because of just one person. And all I asked from him was to take ownership in that.  I wasn't mean. I wasn't accusatory. I was just asking for that closure so I could move on and feel like I wasn't the monster he made me feel like I was. I had already asked for his forgiveness 100 times over, and he had said he forgave me time and time again.  I wasn't looking for forgiveness from him. I was looking for accountability. I hit send, and waited for his reply.  And it never came.  He sent NOTHING. I guess I wasn't surprised. I no longer serve a need for him, so he no longer sees any reason to be kind to me. This breaks my heart, considering we shared 25 years and 2 children together. However, something unexpected came from this. His decision to once again ignore me and refuse to even take any ownership in anything that happened between us gave me the strength to FORGIVE MYSELF.  And that is all I needed. Who knew?! It was like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have believed that every bad thing that has happened to me has just been a punishment, and that every thought of just ending my life was completely justified, because I deserved it. But why? All I was doing was trying to be happy. I was trying to fill this giant hole in my life. There was something missing, I was not content, I was depressed as hell, and something needed to change. I was crying for help for such a long time, but he never heard me, or never cared. And I have been hating myself for hurting him...but now I realize that he doesn't care that he ever hurt me. And he certainly doesn't care that he continues to hurt me now, when all I want is a friendship like we used to have for the sake of our kids. I have released myself from that burden. I have done everything I can to make that happen, and it is no longer mine to carry. I have spent way too much time thinking I was some horrible person, when in reality, I was just a person who needed to be seen, to be loved, to be heard. For the first time since all of this happened, I feel like I can finally move in the right direction....and my God, does that feel good. And what feels even better is knowing that I have learned from every single mistake I have made....and I will never make those mistakes again. Whether he sees that or not, is not my problem. He has changed, and is someone I no longer recognize. I will just hold on to happy memories of the person who was caring and kind, and mourn that he no longer exists for me. But he also no longer has a hold on me, and can no longer make me feel less than the person I am.

SO, what was missing in my life? That is the question I ask myself a lot. I think back to my life...before. Because there definitely was a "before" and an "after".  I remember feeling very lost a lot of the time. Even though I was living in this big, beautiful house, I had these dream jobs, and my kids were super awesome and never got into any trouble, and honestly, my life looked pretty perfect, I always felt like something was "off." I never felt peaceful and content. Maybe I was just too busy all the time. Maybe I was worried that this was all life would ever be...just the same routine, day after day until I died. Maybe I was having a mid-life crisis? Who knows. What I do know is that somehow, now that I am finally on the other side of my five years of hell..(I really need to come up with a name for that period of time when my entire life just blew up in my face, please feel free to offer suggestions!) I am finally feeling calm and content. I think moving to the country had a lot to do with it. Slowing down, being surrounded by nature, getting away from all the traffic, starting a zoo...all of it. Like I have said before, I do believe the biggest thing I needed to do was just get out of my own head, and change my perception. I have definitely learned to appreciate what I have, and to not take things for granted. I have also learned how to let things go...and sadly, sometimes that includes people. I think that is something that we have to learn to do as we get older. Sometimes it is something that just happens because of distance or life changes. But other times, it is something we are forced to do because a person no longer has the same values we do, or our interests and priorities change. And sometimes we have to let go of someone we care about, not because we want to, but because they no longer want us in their lives. That is always the hardest one to adjust to. 

I guess the bottom line is that the person we need to take care of, to look out for, to make sure their needs are met and that they know they are loved is OURSELVES. I have to wonder how different my life would look if I had learned to love myself years ago. If I had learned how to flip that self talk around and rather than always criticize, start complimenting and cheering myself on. If I would look in the mirror, and rather than looking for flaws, find beauty. If, when I was deep down in that black hole that I felt like I would never be able to crawl out of, I would have self soothed, and talked my way back to happiness, rather than just sit in my misery and convince myself my life was shit, and I would never feel better. If, on those days when I said "Ugh! I hate my life!" I had stopped myself and said "Hold on, chicka....let's actually take an inventory of every awesome thing you have in your life, and see why you are really feeling this way."

I still struggle with this daily, but it's getting better. And I think having gone through the (insert brilliant name for my shit stint) has really helped me figure out how to just be okay being me. It has also made me realize that I'm totally fine on my own, if I need to be. Even though I live with someone, believe me, I 100% take care of myself. I do wonder what it would be like to have someone "take care of me"...but I'm guessing I will only find out if I end up in a nursing home.  Let's hope I never find out.   And so, I will close this by saying; in the end, you only have yourself....so take care of your precious self well. 

RESTART!

 It's been a minute!  Something drew me to an old blog post this afternoon....and I started reading all about my life and the chaos that was going on in it 3+ years ago.  Isn't it funny how just revisiting those old memories will take you right back there?  I can honestly say I am in a MUCH better place now....but it sure took a long time, and a lot of heartache to get here. Surviving the aftermath of a divorce is something that I would never wish on anyone.  Perhaps for some people, once its finally over, you feel free, and just move on happily with your life.  That was not my experience.  It was just the beginning of trying to figure out how to accept the "new normal" that life had become, and how to re-learn everything I had known for the past 25 years.  It sucked.  

The one thing I have completely embraced, (and it is absolutely the thing that has turned my life around) is perspective.  It is what I was lacking my entire adult life.  It sounds so simple....but apparently I needed to go through hell to figure it out.  I can say without a doubt that tragically losing my dad at a young age definitely messed me up.  Prior to that, I had been previously engaged That relationship ended 4 months before we were to get married.  (His decision) I felt completely abandoned.  Losing my dad so unexpectedly, which was immediately followed by my soon-to be husband moving 3 hours away four months before our wedding left me feeling another round of abandonment.  (Maybe you see where I'm going here.) I had no idea this was what I was feeling....or what was causing panic attacks that would occur for the next few years every time Mark left to go anywhere.  I trudged on....and never felt content.  Something was always lingering in the back of my mind, but I didn't know what it was.  I was waiting for something bad to happen.  I played the "I will be happy when..." game. I think I was so scared of being left, that I forced that scenario to happen. If I left, no one could leave me. I look back, and see what a messed up disaster I was. Then, a few months ago, it finally happened.

PERSPECTIVE. The lightbulb moment. All of those years feeling like something was missing, or "life would be better if...." It was all in my head.  Yes, something was missing, but he was never coming back, and that was the sad reality. As for all of the other scenarios I was creating in my head, those were just negative thoughts tormenting me. In reality, I had everything I needed. Everything I wanted. I was just too far down in that "dark hole" to realize it. It took losing everything for me to finally figure it out. It's been a very tough lesson, but it has allowed me to finally find some peace in my life. Is everything perfect now? Of course not. But my perspective on life is so much better. I can look at everything I have, and look at the life I"m now creating, and appreciate everything about it. There are always obstacles to overcome, and some are much more challenging than others. However, I have proven to myself that I am strong, and I can handle A LOT, and I know that the good outweighs the bad. 

Moving to the country has been pretty cathartic for me. I feel like I am so much closer to my parents out here. I'm a big believer in "signs" and I get a lot of them. I have always felt like my dad has made his presence known, especially when I really need him. At my house, I think he sends a blue jay. This bird makes a very regular appearance, and often comes with a mate (my mom, I like to think) I feel the blue jay is really appropriate, because my dad was the only blue eyed one in the family. Without fail, that bird shows up every time I"m feeling down, or just need a reminder that he is still here with me. 

I'm also working at the church I grew up in now, and feel my parent's presence there as well.  I grew up with them in the choir loft, singing in the choir...and now I'm the one leading the music there.  I just feel like I've come home. All of this has been very healing for me. There are also several parishioners who are still here that were friends of my parents, which I love. 

Life has just become simpler, which is exactly what I needed.  I love the slower pace here, I love that we have a ridiculous amount of animals at our place, and they are our kids (now that my kiddos are all grown up) I love that we have a house that is slowly turning into what we want, and will eventually be beautiful. And I love that even though I still hurt sometimes, I have grown so much from all that I went through, and have come out on the other side a much stronger person. I think that all too often, people go through experiences that are negative or hurtful, and don't learn from them, or change in any way.  I have done a 180. I honestly look back on the person I was 6+ years ago, and have no idea who she was.  I kept the good parts, and changed the parts that needed improvement.  I feel like I finally have my head on straight, and my priorities in order.  I wish it would have happened about 20 years ago, but I also believe things happen the way they are meant to. Regardless, I think we are all making the best of how everything turned out. 

My goal is to start writing a little bit again.  It was very therapeutic for me in the past, and I definitely have more to write about now! I guess turning 50 really did mean I finally grew up. 

Cursed

I had my first psychic reading this past summer.  I was on a weekend getaway with my girlfriends, my divorce had just happened, and it was time.  This trip called for a psychic reading and a new tattoo.  Both were somewhat traumatic.  The first thing she said to me was "I sense such overwhelming sadness within you."  Yep.  And then: "I can see that the most important thing in your life is love....but it always seems to be just beyond your reach."  Again...yep.  This went on for 30 minutes.  She told me I needed to come back again the next day.  She needed to meditate about my situation, because she sensed that there was a lot more going on here.  Well, yes, clearly.  When I returned, she informed me that in her meditation, she revealed that in a past life, I had befriended a man.  He was a person whom everyone ignored.  Always on the outskirts of society.  Yet, I was kind to him.  I treated him with compassion.  And because of this, he loved me.  And then, I met my soulmate....and this angered him greatly.  All of the affection he felt toward me turned to hatred, and he sought out the help of two women, and they cursed me.  And this curse would follow me through all of my future lives.  It would cause sadness and grief in my life, and affect those who I loved.
Needless to say, this was not what I wanted to hear.  Especially, considering the fact that it felt pretty accurate.  I have always rooted for the "underdog"...so it wouldn't surprise me if I would befriend someone who others scorned.  I have always tried to be kind to everyone.  Go figure, it would result in me being cursed for all time. 🙄

I'm sure most of you are reading this and rolling your eyes.  It seems ridiculous to me also.  However, there is that part of me that has always wondered why, throughout my life, I have had this underlying sadness that I can't escape.  I'm sure it's just a chemical imbalance...but I have to admit...the last few years have really made me question a lot of things.  I am currently in the darkest place I have ever been.  Every single day, I try and figure out what happened.  How I got here.  Why this is happening, and why I can't pull myself out of it.  I know that some of it is a result of self-sabotage.  It's interesting how things start to become clear after the fact.  I look back, and see how, rather than living in the moment and enjoying life, I worried about what I thought was inevitable.  I was always "waiting for the ball to drop" and would often end something good in an effort to protect myself from eventually getting hurt.  I don't recommend this.  At all.  Yet I find myself questioning why, when it comes to love and relationships...nothing ever seems to fall into place for me.  It's like it is always just beyond my reach.  And when I do have it...I don't trust it, or I don't believe that it will last (in other words, I know he will leave me) so I self destruct.  I want the fairy tale...but I never find the happily ever after.  At this point in my life, I feel so broken and damaged that I almost wonder if I'm better off alone, because I think it would take some serious therapy and complete brainwashing to get me to a point of feeling secure and happy enough to trust in a healthy relationship again.

Ironically, it has been the reaction of other people that has really thrown me into a very messed up mind-set when it comes to dating.  Before my divorce was final, I brought a date to a family wedding (this was many months into our divorce process) and was feeling good for the first time in a LONG time.  I was excited for my family to meet him, and though it was going to be a great time. HA! Little did I know that the aunt and uncle that I had been closest to my entire life would completely shun me, and when I tried to introduce them to my date, they wouldn't even look at him.  I attempted later, during the reception, to engage with them again....no go.  And that evening when they were leaving, they came to say good bye to my sister (whom I was standing next to) and walked away without looking at me or saying a word to me. They haven't spoken to me since.  I saw my aunt at my mother's funeral a month ago.  She sat by Mark's parents.  She talked to Mark and my kids, but she didn't say one word to me. WTF?!!!!
I considered trying to talk to her, but realized that I had already done that at the wedding.  She had drawn this line.  WHO DOES THAT?!  What did I do to her?  Absolutely nothing.  I have been so hurt by this that I don't even have the words to describe it.  I'm also angry.  Family is supposed to support you when you are going through hard times.  They are supposed to be there for you.  She never once asked how I was doing.  Ever.  She actually wrote Mark a letter (I just recently found this out) saying that I "blindsided her at the wedding...and she had "no idea what was going on."  Interesting, considering I had told her about the guy I was bringing just a few weeks before at the bridal shower. Hmmm.
She wasn't the only person who treated me this way.  (Though I would say this was the most extreme, especially considering it was a family member.) I did have others who sent nasty messages, or completely cut off communication with me, because they didn't approve of me trying to move on.  Did I make mistakes, of course I did.  Did I do own up to them? I sure tried to.  I guess that is where I went wrong.  I decided to not go into hiding, and I attempted to live my life with honesty.  I did not publicize my new relationship on facebook or social media.  I have never done anything to intentionally make anyone feel uncomfortable.  However, I was judged harshly, (and I took all of it) and it continues to affect me today.  I have now been divorced for 7 months, and I feel like I can't go out on a date.  It feels like I'm doing something wrong.  I don't know that I will ever feel comfortable bringing someone new to a family function, because of what happened the last time I did.  I never want to put myself or someone else through that again.  I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy.  I feel like, unless I am with Mark, I'm not supposed to be with anyone else...because everyone loved him, and no one else will ever measure up.  How do you bring someone new into a situation knowing that everyone is thinking "I really wish Mark was still here."  I feel like I have let everyone down.  I screwed everything up.  No one seems to be thinking "we are so glad that Beth seems to happy!" Or "I really hope she finds a great new guy!"  I just feel like a complete failure.  The people who I hoped would just be happy for us trying to find our way only seem disappointed.  Let down.  Its an awful feeling when you already are so alone and miserable, and you wish that you would meet that person who makes everything feel good again, but you know that there really aren't very many people who will be genuinely happy for you if you do.

Valentine's Day has always been my favorite holiday.  For one, it's not a religious holiday, so I'm not stuck working at church for it.  Secondly, it usually involves chocolate. And its all about love....which (unfortunately) is pretty much my favorite thing.  God help me.  This year may be the first year without a "Valentine."  I'm stuck in rehearsals all night, so it doesn't really matter...but I think I will still plan a love fest for me and my fur babies when I get home.  Maybe some special treats for all of them, and chocolate covered strawberries and a movie for me.  And if anyone knows how to break curses from past lives....please let me know!  I'm ready for something good to happen....it has been WAY TOO LONG!!!

All the Feels

Before I begin, I must disclose that there is a kitten currently throwing himself all over my computer keyboard in an attempt to get my undivided attention.  God only knows what will now transpire.
Onward.

There were a lot of things I didn't know before the internet.  Or maybe, I knew them, but didn't have the terminology for them.  I always knew I felt things deeply, but as I got older, I began to realize just HOW deeply.  It was beyond the normal realm of just "feeling".  It was like I would actually absorb the moods and the emotions of the people around me.  And the intensity of my compassion for animals did not necessarily mesh well with the realities of growing up on a farm.  I had to endure way too many cats getting hit by cars, or injured by farm equipment than I could handle.  Our dogs lived outside most of the time, and I wanted them wrapped up in blankets and wearing sweaters in the winter.  Most of the people around me saw these creatures as just "animals," but to me, they were my lifeline.  My babies.  My best friends.  And to lose them was to have my heart broken.

I started reading up on astrology, and learning more about my "sign" when I was in college, and soon came to realize that I am a Pisces, through and through.  There is the "artsy and creative" part....but even more so, the moody, emotional, indecisive,"would rather exist in a dream than in reality" side.  And in my exploration of "who the heck am I" I finally discovered the term I needed to add to my vocabulary: empath.  And things began to make sense.  This is why I can't spend too much time around negative people, because I start getting pulled into that darkness.  This is why I feel devastated when something bad happens, even to someone I don't know, or elated at someone else's joy.  But taking on the feelings of others is not all there is to it.  It also involves feeling "too much."  I often find myself in an "all or nothing" state of mind.  And I'm not sure if I'm capable of feeling complete ease or contentment, because there is always an underlying sense of worry.  This is also something that has increased with age, and with each difficult experience I go through.  I find it impossible to just "let go" and relax.  I was sitting with a friend a week or two ago, and I thought I felt relaxed and was acting "normal."  He looked over at me and said "okay....you need to breathe in and count to four....you are a mess!" 😬 I wonder what I look like when I'm actually feeling stressed.

I have also realized over the years that I have a overwhelming desire for a "Better Homes and Garden Life" which, of course, morphed into a "Pinterest" life.  I have a gazillion boards for all of my future homes (and all of the scenarios I might find myself in....."Empty Nest Planning," "A Place Just for Me," "Love Nest," "My Next Chapter"....on and on.) There is also a board titled "Birthday Cakes."  My 5 year old niece Pearl, whom I share a birthday with, spent several hours pursuing the site last weekend, and pinned approximately 127 cakes that we will be baking for our birthday.  It started out with chocolate cakes from heaven, and ended up with rainbow colored Disney princess nightmares.  She would watch the "how to" video, decide if it was an acceptable recipe, and if so, would declare "We are DOING IT!!" and would pin it.  Now, every time I go on Pinterest, my feed is filled with Disney princess cakes and cupcakes.  Yay me!

Where the hell was I going with this?  Ah, yes, my perfectly perfect life.  That is what I crave.  A magazine existence.  Only I'm too lazy and tired to actually make that happen.  So I end up feeling inadequate, and then I get overwhelmed, and wonder where I went wrong, and my house gets cluttered, and looks like an episode of Hoarders rather than Country Home, and I just end up taking a 3 hour bubble bath, or going back to bed, because really, are there any other options?!
The ironic thing is that once I actually start getting organized and getting the place cleaned up and lovely, I am SO HAPPY!  And I feel so much more content and energized.  But it is finding the energy and the motivation to get there (and stay there) that is always the problem.

My sister is the energizer bunny.  And I'm not kidding.  She once told me "if the sun is out, I feel guilty sitting down."  Other words of craziness uttered from her lips "I'm pretty obsessive about sticking to my exercise routine."  Here is my question: How are we genetically connected, and I got NONE OF THAT??!!  It just doesn't seem right.  And it has ALWAYS been this way.  We used to share a bedroom, and I would stay up half the night reading, and never want to get up in the morning, while she would be up and raring to go at the crack of dawn.  She is up at 5am so she can work out before teaching all day, and then she teaches dance at night.  I often struggle to get to the 11:00 class I play for on time.  A morning person I am NOT.  Actually, a DAY person I am not.

Back to my empath issues.  (Welcome to my current state of mind.  We shall call it chaos and confusion.) Many of you know that I have had some issues with mice lately.  This is new territory for me.  I am not a fan of rodents.  I distinctly recall the few times in my life when I have dealt with them.  All of them involved me jumping onto high pieces of furniture, and screaming.  Lots and lots of screaming.  And feeling certain that I would never walk on the floor again.
I'm not even sure how I noticed I had visitors in my house....I must have noticed the mouse poop.  There is nothing quite as heartwarming as finding piles of mouse shit all over your kitchen....and realizing that you should really pay closer attention, because they have probably been dining on your dog food for several weeks now.  These little bastards had even been up on my counters.  Now that is just disgusting.  So, I called my ex-husband, and being the great guy he is, he came over with some traps and set them for me.  I caught one that night....and he came back over to empty it.  Then I started catching them like crazy, and I realized I could not rely on a man to empty my traps anymore. ,I am now up to 16 (or is it 17?) mice....two of which were still alive when I found them in the traps....and I have yet to scream even once.  Instead, I have conversations with them....and I feel sorry for them.  Because I am now THAT person.  The one who starts questioning why mice are bad and spread disease.  Why can't they just be nice little animals that live under the cupboards and eat the peanut butter we put out for them?  When they aren't running and scaring the crap out of you, they really are cute little things....and the little baby ones I have been catching, well, Ms Empath is feeling pretty awful about snapping their little necks.  And this is another instance where my "condition" may not serve me well.  It didn't take me long to go from "I'm going to take down these little monsters!!" to "I'm so sorry for killing you, cute little mousie!"

So this is another item on my list of "things to figure out."  Getting rid of the mice, clearly, but more importantly, setting healthy boundaries for myself and my feelings/emotions/insanity (because it has started to feel like insanity.)  Being ok with things not being perfect, and figuring out how to just let go of the need to control everything in my life, and allow myself to feel happy and content....just because.
I think we are always looking ahead to the next big thing.  The next special event, or occasion to look forward to.  We are always waiting for something exciting to happen, or feel like we can only celebrate significant occasions.  I know that is how I feel.  I don't take the time or remember to look at each day as being something special.  I feel like I always need to have something to look forward to, and when I don't, I feel sad or like I'm missing out on something.  I think its just a shift in mindset that needs to happen.  When I think about the people I know who always seem happy and joyful, they are the ones who just enjoy life everyday.  They celebrate the little things, and are grateful for each day they have.  It is much too easy to get wrapped up in all the crap life throws at us.  I know that is where I'm at right now.  I'm still lingering in the "how is this really my life now?" frustration.  My goal for this year is to pull out of that, and be happy with what I have (even though my cats are destroying half of what I have as I type) and figure out how to create a life that I look forward to waking up to every day.

Begin Again

It's here...2019.  I figured this was an opportune time to get this blog back up and running again.  And, because I am a procrastinator, I am doing so on January 2nd, because I needed a day to adjust to the new year.  And to lay around the house and do nothing.  This is what I do best!

I feel like I should perhaps recap my year, as it has been a long while since I have posted anything.  So here we go!  By the way, I should maybe warn you that until I actually "Find My Bliss," this blog is going to be temporarily called "Telling It Like It Is."  (As if it wasn't always...lol)

2018 was a complete and utter shit show.  I though 2017 was a struggle!  I had no idea that I was about to really get my ass kicked in 2018.  But I did.  And I really didn't enjoy it very much.
So, now I am living in an apartment alone with two dogs and two cats (because I find animals are a much better option than men) and am officially divorced.  That glorious event took place on Friday the 13th of July.  And no....not so glorious.  It was sad...and I often question my decision, but that happens in moments of loneliness and worry.  I know that I needed to make a change to feel content.  Now I'm waiting for that feeling of contentment to happen.
Actually, I'm waiting for a feeling of ANYTHING to happen.  I have been pretty much in a state of numbness for the past two years.  I keep thinking that one day I will just wake up, and I will magically feel better, but I guess that isn't the way it works.  I should also mention that while my divorce was a sad occurrence, Mark and I are great.  We are very good friends, and we actually still hang out and talk regularly.  It is a very healthy relationship, and there is no animosity between us.  So no, I'm not trying to come to terms with my feelings about the divorce.  I don't feel like I have lost him, because he will always be a close friend, and a part of my life.

I have struggled horribly with another relationship that has brought me great joy, and great pain...and it is what has made this transition so difficult.  I have been in limbo for so long, and I feel like it has just sucked the life out of me.  And that is all I need to say about THAT fricking disaster!
So, moving into the new year, I am trying to figure out how to get my mojo back.  Being a single gal is NOT a fun or exciting thing to be at age 27.  😉 (or 46)  It really has made me realize some things about myself, however.  I'm sure you are dying to know what those things are....so here we go. (and yes, this is a very random list that really makes no sense.  Welcome to my current world.)

1.  I can handle any rodent that dares enter my domain.  Thus far, I have battled three birds, two bats, and 15 mice.  Guess who won every damn time.  Oh yeah.  I am woman....hear me roar.

2.  I suck at being assertive and asking for help....but I can do it if I really need to.  (And this is one of my goals for the year.....to add a little more "friendly bitch" to my persona....as well as the word "no". and maybe even "hell no!"

3.  I love being alone, and I hate being alone.  Being a person who suffers from depression....living alone is a blessing and a curse.  Knowing I can sit here and not have to deal with anyone, and just snuggle with animals all day is awesome.  However, it's also really bad, because (especially in the winter) I seriously never want to leave my house.  Like seriously EVER.  I would live on frozen waffles and crackers if it meant never having to leave my house.
When I see pics of happy couples on FB or Instagram, I get sad....because I want that again.  Even when I was married, I felt like I was always out alone, because we never did anything together...so I am jealous of the couples who are always out having fun, and happy together.
To cope, I get more animals...because that should help. 🙄

4.  I need to date a gay man.  Who loves to cook.  And keep a really tidy house...that is beautifully decorated.  And who loves lots of animals.  And naps.

5.  I loathe the word "whore."  I read it in a friend's post the other day (a post about Donald and his women) and I saw red.  Not because i disagreed with what he was writing...but because woman are classified as whores or sluts....what about Donald and all the other men in the world?  Why isn't there an awful word to describe them?  Aren't they involved in this activity as well???  Aren't they typically the ones who INSTIGATE it??  or who are out looking for it??  I mean seriously!!  Its even in the fucking bible!!!  And this is a book written in a time when men had like 500 wives!  Yet they are referring to the women as whores???  WTF??!!  Seriously.  I just can't even.  This is my new beauty pageant platform.  I'm going to run for Ms. "I am old and look like shit, and am going to f-ing beat the crap out of the next person that refers to any woman as a whore!!"
I feel better now.

6.  I really do look like shit.  This year has been rough on me,  And I cut my hair,  WHY WHY WHY?!  I was smokin' two years ago!  20 lbs lighter, great hair, tan, happy!!  I blame men (well, one specifically) 100%.

7.  Motivation.  I have ZERO.  Today was my day to overhaul this house.  I had two days last week that were also days to overhaul this house.  It's now 3:30...getting dark....I haven't even eaten yet, much less started cleaning.  (I DID bathe...you are welcome.) I really need to turn this around.  I would happily curl up with all four animals and sleep my life away.

8.  I watch the ID channel.  Exclusively.  How is that for happy and uplifting?  I'm sure watching stories of true crime is exactly what I need to pull my out of my funk.  🙃

9.  I am 100% aware of all the things I SHOULD be doing to make things better in my life.  Eat better (or at all!) exercise, get outside, socialize, find fun activities I enjoy doing, take up a new hobby, on and on.....I AM the self-help guru.  But sometimes, you just get so deep into that place that it's really hard to pull yourself out of it.

 I'm taking baby steps, and working to rid myself of the crap that is holding me back.  It really is pretty crazy how things that happen in your life can really mess you up. You start to actually believe you aren't good enough, or that you aren't worthy of love.  And you put up that wall...your defense mechanism, and you make sure no one else can get in...because you refuse to get hurt again.  You would rather be alone than risk more heartache.  Or you hold onto hope that something you know is hopeless might somehow turn around and magically work out the way your imagined it would...even though you know that it never will.
The mind is a powerful thing, and it seems to be so much easier to latch on to the hurtful, negative things, than it is to believe and hope that there can be better things ahead.
I know several people who have been walking this same frustrating journey with me.  Several have come out on the other side with a very happy ending.  I'm really hoping that I find mine someday.  I would be happy to just have a day that I felt joy and didn't cry.  My sweet little kittens have been helping with that.  If only they could take all the bad stuff that still lingers away.  Animals are the best therapy though....at least they always have been for me.

Here's to a new year, and new beginnings.  And to hope. ❤️

The WaitIng

I am the queen of "waiting".  "I will wait until tomorrow to start that diet."  "I will wait until I'm feeling energized to tackle that disaster in the basement." "I will wait until I have some more money to take that vacation."   "I will wait until I am happy to live my life." You can see where this has gotten me.
There was a time when I didn't wait for anything.  When I knew I wanted something.....nothing could stop me from charging ahead and making it happen. (Well....okay, this NEVER applied to that damn diet....but other than THAT...)
As I got older, I let other people take the wind out of my sails.  If I shared my dreams with someone close to me, and they shot them down, or looked at me like I was crazy, I would find myself starting to doubt my thinking...doubt my abilities.  Obviously, if someone who loved me thought I was ridiculous for thinking about doing, well, whatever I was thinking about doing...that must mean I wasn't cut out for it, right?  At some point along the way, the girl who used to take those words of discouragement as a challenge to prove them wrong had turned into a woman who believed they were right.  And my self esteem began to plummet.  I would try to immerse myself in things that fed my soul.  I started doing shows again, performing whenever I could....anything I loved.  Ironically, my closest friends were rarely, if ever there to support me.  The experience did open my world to a whole new group of friends, however, for which I will be ever grateful...and it opened my eyes to the wonderful people in my life who are, and have been there for me through everything.

As I think back through all of this, I realize I have been searching....trying to fill a void.  And I have been waiting.  For years, that voice inside my head has been starting sentences with "when you are_________, then you will be happy."  You can fill in the blank with pretty much anything.  "Skinny, successful, single, married, wealthy, beautiful" etc.

A year ago, I decided I was done waiting, and I was going to finally take charge of my life.  It was the scariest thing I have ever done....but I forced myself to move forward, because I knew I had to follow my heart, or I would look back in 20 years and regret it if I didn't.  Initially, it felt like I was taking a huge step forward.  In reality, my life has been on hold for the past year....and continues to be.  Not because I want it to be, but because certain situations have caused it to be that are out of my control.
I can honestly say that being in a situation where I have zero control is probably the most difficult, frustrating position I have ever been in.  I NEED TO CONTROL MY LIFE!!! I NEED TO PLAN!!!
I need to know that Rosie and I won't be living in a van by the river next summer!! 😳😑

So, now I am faced with the dilemma: how long can a person wait before they start to lose themselves?  I am a pretty patient person, but there comes a point when you start to question everything.  At what stage do you give up the hopes and dreams of everything you wanted, because
you can't wait anymore?  Which is the better option: to break your own heart and move on, or to stick
 it out and wait for something that might never happen?

(Excerpt from) THE WAITING
Tom Petty

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Don't let it kill you baby, don't let it get to you
Don't let 'em kill you baby, don't let 'em get to you
I'll be your breathing heart, I'll be your crying fool
Don't let this go to far, don't let it get to you

13 Reasons

I haven't written a post in awhile....I have started a few, and then let them sit.  I have always been a person who just "puts it out there"....and tries not to sugar coat reality.  Lately, however, life has been kicking me in the ass, and I have found that I'm afraid to put my thoughts down in writing, much less out there for the world to see.  However, sometimes it seems that using yourself as an example is the best way to make others aware of how ones actions can lift up or tear down a person when they are most vulnerable.

I have been binge watching 13 Reasons on Netflix.  I finished it yesterday...and felt like I was going to melt into my couch with all the tears I shed.  (If you haven't watched it...you should.). I think there were two things that hit me the hardest: 1. The mothers reaction when she found her daughter....first the denial, and then the fear and utter despair. And 2. Hannah...(the main character) at the moment of her suicide.  Of course, everything leading up to it was so devestating....but the despair at the end...it hit home so damn hard.

The past six months for me have felt like the adult version of this series in so many ways.  It's crazy how you can just be trying to live your life, minding your own business, yet somehow your world just starts to crumble around you.  People who disguise themselves as friends interject themselves into your life, acting like they truly care, and are "looking out for you."  When in reality, they are just digging for as much dirt as they can get their hands on...and once they have it, they turn against you, twisting your words, shaming you, even blatantly lying to you.

My headache specialist (whom I adore) has become my pseudo therapist as well.  Her comment regarding divorce (as she has experienced it) is "you will see your friends start to fall away...they seem to think it's contagious."  I remember how things changed for my mom after my dad died.  She was only 47, and she felt like some of her friends no longer wanted her around, because she was now single...and married women don't like single women hanging around.  So, not only was she dealing with the sadness of being a widow...but she lost friends because of it.

One of the most difficult things to deal with is the lies and rumors.  I have owned my part in this divorce.  I have never thrown Mark under the bus, nor have I blamed him for anything, because I am just not going to go there.  However, I think we can all agree that no one leaves a perfect marriage.  And I am not going to pretend my marriage was ever perfect.  From before it began, there were issues, and they were issues that I am NOT taking the blame for.  There are two sides to every story, and what has been very hurtful to me is that in our story, only one side is out there.  And in that story, I take all the blame.  I own it, I won't pretend I didn't make mistakes, however, there are solid reasons that led to them, and those are conveniently still hiding under the rug.  Because of this, I have watched our mutual friends walk away from me.  I see a complete change in behavior toward me from people whom I have been friends with for years.  I used to walk into a room filled with people I know, and be greeted with smiles and hugs, and people who wanted to talk TO me.  Now, I walk into that same room, and see people avoid making eye contact, as they appear to talk ABOUT me.

This is what happens in high school cafeterias when rumors are spread.  And clearly, when those high schoolers grow into adults, those behaviors don't change.  And, when you become an adult, and are the one on the receiving end of that behavior, you really do feel like that 17 year old girl, who can't wait to get out of that room, so you can get in your car where no one can see the tears in your eyes.
And you really do feel like that teenage girl, when out with a friend, and you look over to see other people you know walk in...but they quickly look away and pretend they don't see you.

And what is even worse is when you walk through your front door,  and your teenage daughter is sitting at the table, and you have to try to hide your tears, because you are supposed to be the mom...not the "teenager" falling apart.  And the biggest irony is when you get to your room, and completely break down, and your soon-to-be ex tries to comfort you....when he is the one who made you out to be a horrible person to his friends, because he spoke to them when he was feeling angry and resentful, and tells you he wishes he could take it all back.  Funny how words work.  Once they get put out there, you can never take them back.  So even when you speak a falsehood....the person who hears them thinks its the truth.  And those series of words put together have the ability to destroy someone's life.

I woke up at 4 this morning, and just laid here in the quiet, thinking about, well, everything.  If I could choose one word to describe how I feel these days, it would be "alone."  I have also come to a place where I realize that words mean so little to me anymore.  Talk is cheap.  I can't begin to tell you the number of times I have been disappointed by the things people have said to me....promised me. The fact that people I considered friends have turned on me over WORDS or ASSUMPTIONS also baffles me.  Not one person who is currently avoiding me, or whose behavior toward me has changed has asked me a single question.  No one has said "I heard this rumor....is it true?"
I have been asked "are you happy?"  Currently....not really.  I dont know how I could be.  But man, I am sure trying to figure out how to be.  I feel very confused, paranoid, judged, sad, emotional, stressed, and exhausted.  I really don't get excited or feel passionate about anything right now....except sleep....but that isn't even working very well for me.

My point in writing all of this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me....or to have a self proclaimed "pity party" as I have previously been accused of.  My point is this:  if you know someone who is going through a difficult time....please be gentle with them.  If you have heard rumors or gossip from someone other than the source....it is just that...a RUMOR. Or GOSSIP.  If you have only heard one side of the story.....there is always another side, and believe me, it is not going to be the same as what you already heard.  Especially when there are hurt feelings and anger involved.
Just because someone looks like they have it all together, don't always believe it.  I have never put more effort into NOT having a break down in front of people before in my life.  Thank God my car has tinted windows.
For those who think I have moved on and am blissfully happy......I would happily offer you a day in my shoes.  You would quickly understand why I have constant headaches, my hair needs to be colored every two weeks, and just leaving the house is a huge accomplishment.

One thing I have learned is that whenever people need you, or when you fit neatly into their "box of what is acceptable" you will have a large circle of friends.  And it feels good to have a big group of people who seem to like you and want you around.  However, once you no longer fit in that box (you get divorced, you do something they consider unacceptable, you speak up and disagree with someone who can't handle conflict, you say the wrong thing to the wrong person, and they turn everyone against you, etc) suddenly,  you are back in high school, and it's a live episode of "Mean Girls."
What the hell are we teaching our kids?  Attack anyone who doesn't fit your criteria?  Act superior, because you are so much better than everyone else?  Really?  Play the religion card?
How about we all just come back down to earth and agree that we are doing the best we can?
We all just want to be happy, and want to be able to look back on our lives when we are 90 (God willing) and say "I didn't just settle.....I really LIVED!"
How about we support each other instead of tearing each other down?
How about we stop spending so damn much time worrying about what other people are doing, and judging them for it....and start thinking about what WE are doing to maybe make this world a little kinder, a little friendlier, a little more loving?
Maybe, rather than talking about people, we talk TO them?
Perhaps, instead of gossiping about the latest scandal, we actually reach out to that person, and make sure they are ok?  Chances are, they could really use a friend.  A REAL friend.
And maybe, rather than pretending we don't see someone, we just walk over there and give that person a hug.  Cause guess what....there is a good chance that person has been feeling pretty damn invisible for quite awhile, and could use one.

Being nice is easier than being mean....and it sure feels a lot better too.
Dig deep people.  You don't know what is going on, truly, with anyone but yourself.  So, instead of pretending you do, or assuming you have any idea what anyone else is feeling....just stop yourself, remind yourself that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about, and be kind. ❤️