Light Your Fire

PASSION

Just typing that word made me feel like I should start writing a script for a soap opera.

Let's start with a definition.

Passion [pash-uh n]

noun

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

Okay, so obviously we aren't talking about the soap opera kind of passion here.

Passion is #4 on my "personal values" list, so I guess that makes it pretty important to me.

I am definitely a fan of "doing what you love."

I am also a fan of "if you no longer love what you do....then stop doing it."

I would rather be happy than rich.

~

So, how do you find your passion?  

For some of us...it is just obvious.  It has always been obvious.  It is all we have ever wanted to do.

For others, well, it isn't so black and white.

For me, I definitely have things I am VERY passionate about, but I will admit, I have gone through so many stages of what I thought I wanted to do, or be.

I want everything to be crystal clear.  And I also want someone to point out exactly what I should do, and why.  I would like someone to draw up a spreadsheet of the next 20 years of my life for me, and I could just follow that, and not have to make a single decision myself.

Luckily, I have gotten to know myself well enough, that I decided to take the larger scale ideas (the ones that included a few years of school and several thousand dollars) and pushed those aside.  Let's just be realistic here.  I have no desire to go back to school.  I have no desire to even get out of bed in the morning.  Washing my hair and making dinner are huge accomplishments for me each day.  Let's not push our luck, shall we?

With these things in mind, I realized that I should probably stick with the things I was passionate about that would not involve a monetary investment, or a whole lot of effort on my part.

So, I am sticking with music...and have added writing to my list.

The latter was a pleasant surprise, because I had NO idea I would get so hooked on it.  The next thing I need to do is figure out how to make $ doing it...because quite frankly, I could happily sit here all day long and work as a writer.  I think swapping the writing for work and the music for a hobby would be kind of fun.  Who knows.  I might not think so if it ever happened.

It is nice, though, that I have been able to make a living doing what I love.  I wish everyone was able to say that.  I think there would be a lot less anger and stress in the world if that were the case.  And if we could bring our pets to work.  And if healthcare were free.  We should probably move to Denmark.

One of the books I have been reading (the one that I got the "Personal Values" list from) is called 52 Ways To Live A Kick-Ass Life by Andrea Owen

(See, I SHOULD get paid for writing...I totally plug books all the time!)

Anyway, Chapter 26 is on Living Your Passions

She talks about how we all have that one thing rolling around in our head that we have always wanted to do....but we have always come up with an excuse not to, because to try will mean we have to step out of our comfort zone.

SO TRUE!

She then lists 6 reasons why you SHOULD do it (and explanations....I will just list the reasons.)

1.  You gain self-confidence and courage.

2. You meet lots of different people.

3. You'll have fewer regrets on your deathbed.

4. You'll inspire others.

5. You'll have a positive thing to focus on.

6. You'll just generally feel good.

I think #3 is a pretty good motivator.  I really do worry about lying there, near death and thinking "Dammit!!  I was such a chicken shit my whole life.  Why didn't I do what I REALLY wanted to do??!!"

If I end up in that position, thinking those thoughts, I will be really, REALLY sad.

I am not a huge adventurous, risk-taking kind of gal....at least not the physical "I'm going to jump off a cliff, attached only with a string of dental floss, and see what happens" kind of risk taker.  But, I really don't want to be the person who resides safely in a tidy little nook her whole life, playing it safe, and never chasing a single dream.  (I know that won't be the case...because some have already been chased) but, you know what I mean.

So here we go....the questions for YOU.

What has been nagging you?  That little something inside your head that you have been thinking about for a long time, but you keep pushing away, because it might take you out of your comfort zone?

When you take a good, hard look at your life, do you feel like you are following your passion, or ignoring it?

If you were at death's door, and looked back at your life, is there anything you wish you would have done?  (It's not about fully accomplishing something...just giving it a try)

If you could add something to your life that would just bring you happiness, and make you feel good about yourself, what would that something be?

The wonderful thing that I have been embracing lately is the fact that it is NEVER TOO LATE to try something new, to chase your dreams, or to find your passion.  So, if you have been feeling a bit lost, or perhaps you feel a void, but aren't sure how to fill it....this might be the perfect time to really sit down and think about where your passion lies.  What is it that gets your adrenaline flowing when you think about it?  What is something that you could see yourself enjoying for a long time.  (Okay, as I'm writing this, I am imagining all of the very inappropriate things some of you probably have going through your heads....yes, I know that may be were your passion lies...but clean it up and work with me here!) 

I will tell you one thing....if any of you have a passion for working with the memory impaired....this area needs a Alzheimers Day Center BADLY....and I can guarantee that you would not only be providing the community with a huge service, you would be securing your retirement fund as well.  Just a little thought I'm throwing out for those still searching for a "business related-Beth-would-love-you-forever" passion." ;)

Okay.  Go eat some chocolate.

Happy Thursday!

Trying Not to Fall

Balance 

Ironically, this is not only #2 on my "Personal Values" list, but it is also exactly what I need to find right now.

I should start with the fact that I have made huge strides in finding balance in my life over the past four years.  

Most of my life, I was the poster child of an unbalanced life of chaos.  I am glad I figured out that I needed to make some changes, before  I lost my mind.

Letting go was the key for me.  I thought I needed to do EVERYTHING to be successful.  I thought the busier I was, the more impressed people would be with me.  I needed that adrenaline to keep me going.  If I slowed down, I would fall into a funk, and start sinking into the "black pit" again.  I took on every big, exciting project I could get my hands on. I said yes to every show, every recital, every concert, every gig that came my way.  I had a full time job, plus a church job, plus private lessons, plus whatever else I could squeeze in.  I was running on empty, but I had no idea how to do it any other way.  This was what I always did.  I ran myself ragged until I either got so sick I would be stuck in bed for a week, or until I just crashed, and the depression set in.  It was a vicious cycle.

Society tells us that to be crazy busy is the only way to get ahead.  All of the "important" people work this way....so if you want to get somewhere in life, you better hit the gates running.

Yeah.  Right.

All it got me was exhaustion and gray hair.

It definitely took a leap of faith to quit teaching, and leave my church job for another at the same time.  I had no idea if I would like the change, and I had no idea if we would able to swing it financially.  However, I also knew that my spirit was in a state of dilapidation, and if I didn't do something drastic, I was going to wind up one of those completely uninspired souls, just putting in my time, hating every minute of my life.  

I would much rather face uncertainty than live like that.

So, I let go.

And allowed myself to be open to all possibilities.

And, before I knew it, opportunities began to simply fall into my lap.

Opportunities that involved things I WANTED to do.  Things I LOVED to do.  Things that would feed my SOUL.

All it took was letting go of the things that were weighing me down and holding me back.  It really was that simple.

This is when I began to find a balance in my life.  

This is also when I started to practice saying no.

When I was just out of college, I felt it was important to say yes to every opportunity that came my way.  I needed to get my "feet wet", and I also wanted to get my name out there.  I had to build a reputation as a musician in the area, so more work would come my way.  It was important for me to "prove my worth" I guess.  So, that is what I did.  I paid my dues, so to speak.  

I worry about kids today.  I see a lot of them expecting things to just be handed to them.  I see then balking at the thought of having to work for less than they think they deserve.  I see them not even bothering to work, because the jobs available are "beneath them."

This is heartbreaking to me.  

Those crappy jobs, and bad paying gigs are where we learn about life.  Where we learn how hard our parents worked to provide for us.  Where we become inspired to work harder so we can move on to bigger and better things.  If everything was simple, or just handed to us, where is the learning in that?

We are sending out the WRONG message if we let our kids get away with that.

I think this is also how we find balance.  

We get out there, and we practically kill ourselves, trying to figure out who we are and what we want to be.  We work as hard as we can to prove our worth to others, so we can improve as people, as employees, as spouses, etc.

We learn how to stand up for ourselves.  We figure out what drives us, what makes us feel happy, what our passions are.

When we get all of these things figured out, we can finally take a step back, and really determine what it will take to create balance in our lives.

Today I found out that my mom is coming back to live with me.  The other arrangements we have tried didn't work out.  

If you have ever attempted to be a caregiver, you know first hand that balance is the first thing that gets completely knocked out of whack when you take on that role.

The first six months she was here went relatively smoothly.  I think I was in shock for the first three, just trying to adjust to this new situation that had literally been thrown in my lap overnight.  I was, quite frankly, shocked that I handled it as well as I did.  I am the LAST person I could ever imagine taking on the caregiver role.  I love my alone time WAY too much.  I need to be able to jump up and go whenever I want.  I remember how happy I was when my kids were old enough to put themselves to bed at night, because back then, that was the only "me" time I got...at night when they were sleeping.  Once I could skip the hour long bedtime routine (and yes, they would always drag it out for an hour...it was torture) I had that extra hour to just relax.

Taking my mom in meant I could no longer sleep until I was ready to wake up. (and I am NOT a morning person.  AT. ALL.) I now had to not only get myself ready everyday, but I also needed to bath her, and get her dressed, do her hair, make her meals, and keep her entertained all day.  And I was back to having a bedtime routine again.  Only she doesn't go to bed and stay there.  She usually gets up in the middle of the night to roam around the house, so you feel like you are always sleeping with one eye open.  (In other words, never sleeping well.)

There is no balance when it comes to Alzheimers.  She is locked inside her own little prison, and we can't find the key to get in and help her.  There are so many stages that a patient goes through....all of them are awful, of course.  She seems to be in the "paranoid" stage.  We can't tell if she is having dreams that she believes are real, or if she thinks she is seeing things.  Either way, whatever it is scares her, and she isn't able to tell us what she sees.

I can't imagine what it is to feel all of those emotions, to be scared or worried about God knows what, but not have the ability to tell anyone what you are worried about.

I know the next several weeks or months will be a time of adjustment for us all again.  Thank God I have such a supportive and loving family.  My sisters and their husbands are always there to help, and my husband tells me everyday "Whatever we need to do....I am on board."  

I am very lucky.

I hope she can find some peace and comfort from the demons in her head while she is here.  I need to just keep reading my compassion post from yesterday, and remind myself that her needs are far greater than my own.

I am sure there are little ways that we can maintain some form of balance. ;)

I hope you all will take some time to think about finding balance in your lives.

Is there anything that you are holding on to that is killing your spirit?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you let that thing go?

Are you capable of saying "no?"  Or, do you feel guilty, and end up saying yes to things you really don't want to do?

(My advice for that is to simply say "I'm sorry, but I am not able to help you at this time."  Make it a definite statement...rather than "If you can't find anyone else, give me a call back, and I'll think about it."  You aren't off the hook yet if you haven't given them a definite no.)

Do you feel like your work consumes your life?  Are you ok with that?

What order would you prioritize the following:  Work, Family, Friends, Me Time.

Does your life reflect the priorities you listed?

When your kids look back on their childhood, what do you think their memories of you will entail?  Will you be the one who always played with them, who always took care of them, who always made them feel safe, or maybe the one who was always at work, or was always too busy to play?

I think finding that balance in your life, where you can feel good everyday, knowing your work is something you truly enjoy, yet something that doesn't consume you, and your home life is fulfilling and joyful, is so important.

I also think that carving out time for yourself....just to be, is really important too.

We start to lose track of who we are when we are too busy being everything for everyone else.  We need to tend to our own needs as well.  If we feel renewed and refreshed, and in balance, it is so much easier to approach life with a great attitude and live each day to the fullest. 

Go out and enjoy your day!!

Happy Tuesday! xo

The Little Things

I am drinking wine.

I should mention that I hardly ever drink anymore.  I would truly make the world's worst alcoholic.  I long ago decided that the migraines those drinks bring on are NOT worth the couple hours of fun I might have while imbibing.  Bring on the kiddie cocktails!!

However, sometimes, I make an exception to my rule.

Lately, I think my sisters and I have been enjoying a little "wind down with the wine" time more frequently than usual, as we go through this challenging journey with our mom.  Sometimes it is good to just allow yourself to forget about your problems for a little while.

Or, if your day has been particularly bad, it's not always a horrible idea to cut loose and throw all yours sorrows to the wind.

However, this tends to be an action you may regret the following day.

I think I will stick to one glass of vino, followed by some sweet tea. :)

Nothing like a sugar rush before bed.

~

I was furiously looking around my room today for a notebook with some important information jotted down in it.  I, of course, have NO idea which notebook it is in, and since I own 584 notebooks, I may never locate it.

However, I did locate a list I made some time ago, while doing some exercise from one of my gazillion "self-help" books.  I vaguely remember the assignment.  They listed a bunch of words, and you were to choose ten that represented your personal values.  I thought it was a pretty interesting exercise.  I might even go try and figure out what book that was in so I can list the words here for you, and you can give it a try.

Anyway, I thought it might be interesting to use each word as a post topic for the next ten days.  Since they are things I feel strongly about, they would probably make good subjects to pontificate on.  

So, today, I will start with number 1 on my list:

Compassion.

~

A friend once told me he had noticed that whenever he was upset about something, or if things weren't going well for him, he could see me take on his pain.  It seemed almost upsetting to him, like he couldn't understand why I appeared to hurt when he hurt.

And it was true....I really did take that on.  I feel bad when something hurtful happens to someone I care about.  I wish I could be like that character in "The Green Mile" who has the power to suck all of the pain out of a person.  

At times, I think I may have a little bit of an overload in the compassion department.  I am sure a lot of us have that same affliction.

I can not bear to see an animal who is any less than completely pampered and loved. (You may have picked up on that by now.)  I can barely watch the news anymore, because it is just too horribly overwhelming for me.  I can't stomach the atrocities occurring everyday.  

How has humanity stooped to the levels it is at?  How are there so many people out there who seem to have no idea what compassion even is?

If everyone in the world would embrace the idea of feeling compassionate toward one another, can you even imagine what the outcome would be?

It doesn't mean we have to agree on everything.  Heck, we don't have to agree on anything...but instead, be sensitive to the feelings of others, and genuinely care about their well-being and happiness.

I think the difference between a person being compassionate or not, is their ability to let go of their own desires and needs, and concentrate on the needs of others. 

 Of course, we all have responsibilities we need to attend to, and we have to take care of ourselves as well.  However, if we are so wrapped up in only thinking of ourselves, we never allow the good in us to flow out into the world, and touch the people around us.  I'm pretty sure that is why we are all here in the first place.  To connect with each other.  Not to make a gazillion dollars, and live in our mansions, tucked away from the public eye.  We all have a purpose, and it is bigger than ourselves.

^^^^^^I LOVE THIS. ^^^^^^

The other day I was talking to my dear friend about "feeding her soul."  For me, it has always been easy to find things that fit that bill.  Music is such an obvious choice...and since I am the epitome of "artsy fartsy," I just stick with all of the "creative" endeavors that I have always loved.  

It's kind of like running for a beauty pageant.  (I know, I know....SCHOLARSHIP pageant)

If you aren't a musician or dancer, what the heck do you do for the talent portion, right?

I love the creative things these girls come up with....but I can see where finding whatever it is that feeds your soul could be similar to that.  I think we often feel like it has to be something super creative.  But it really doesn't. It could be solving math problems!

I love the quote above, because I think the combination of passion and compassion is beautiful.....and the thought that it leads you to your true purpose...well, that is just cool.

I think that is what this blog has done for me.  Writing it is very therapeutic.  It makes me sit down and think for an hour or two everyday (depending on how long it takes to pick out graphics!) it allows me to connect with people, and the feedback I have gotten FEEDS MY SOUL.  I have been reduced to tears over some of the messages I have received, saying that my words have made a difference in someone's life.  That is exactly what I hoped would be the outcome.  And I also think that is exactly what passion+compassion can accomplish.

~

Some days, however, words just don't do the trick.  And that is when we need to just open our hearts, our ears, and our arms, and be good listeners.  I think that is one of the best gifts we can give anyone.

I feel that compassion is something that typically comes quite naturally to us.  (And for those that it doesn't, hopefully we can be good examples of it, and soften those hard hearts a little bit.)

The hardest thing for me, however, was self-compassion.

How many of us have struggled with this?  I am guessing all of us.  It is a lifelong process.  It is also a really important process.  How can we be compassionate toward others when we don't feel compassionate toward ourselves?  I think that learning to love yourself, and take good care of yourself (physically, mentally, emotionally) is the best way to strengthen your ability to love others.  If we feel free from all of the burdens we load ourselves down with, because we are unable to forgive ourselves, respect ourselves, or even like ourselves, we can finally look at the world through new eyes.  To feel peace and love within yourself opens you up to the opportunity of sharing all the wonderful qualities you hold within you with the rest of the world.  You are a special gift with an amazing purpose....never underestimate the good you can do.  Society makes us feel like you need to be rich and famous to make your mark in this world.  I think that is ridiculous.  I think of all the amazing things those people could be doing....but instead, so many of them are just living their lives in their $18 million dollar mansions, eating caviar, getting mani/pedis.(Kudos to those who DO use their good fortune to help others.)

We, on the other hand, have the opportunity to make a difference in other people's lives every day.  It doesn't have to be something big.  It really is the little things that make the biggest impact anyway.  

I have been challenging myself to make eye contact and smile whenever I walk past someone.  (I actually have a hard time with that...I feel too shy.) I always go out of my way to talk to the person working the cash register whenever I am shopping...and try to find some way to brighten their day.  Whenever an opportunity presents itself, and I can help someone, I do.  A few months ago, I was helping a man in a wheelchair at the laundromat.  After holding the door for him, and then helping him get his clothes into the dryer he said "You sure like to help, don't you?"  Then, he came over and talked to me for an hour while our clothes dried.  (I wasn't expecting THAT much reaching out!) But, it did feel good knowing he was happy to have someone to talk to....even if we did talk about cars the whole time. ;)

It really is just the simple things.

So...embrace compassion.  And embrace your passion.

And find your true purpose.

And I will go look for that darn book!

~

Happy Monday. xo

Thinking Positive

Yesterday, I got the news that a friend of mine had died.  She had been battling cancer for years.  

A few months ago, she came over to my house to pick out the music for her funeral.  She knew this disease was going to take her life.  She had accepted that, and was okay with it.  She just wanted to make sure she had everything in order before she passed.  She set little goals for herself.  She wanted to get through the holidays.  She wanted to see her youngest daughter graduate from high school.  She wanted to go to Boston to help her daughter get settled in for college.  I think setting these goals gave her the strength to keep fighting.  

To say she was an amazing person would be a huge understatement.  She was a beautiful soul who faced this awful disease that stole half her life with such grace and dignity.  She was one of the strongest women I have ever met, and I can't believe she is gone.

She has been a huge inspiration to me, so I decided I would dedicate todays post to her, and to inspiring messages of hope and our own personal goals.

I have been writing a lot lately about feeding your soul, and walking away from negativity in your life.  I really don't think I can say it enough.  These are things that baffled me for over 20 years.

Before I really understood what depression was, I just assumed I was in a crappy mood all the time.  This was before I became addicted to self-help books and therapy. ;)  

I also didn't understand how important it was for me to change my thinking.

I was soooo good at playing the martyr.  It felt good to feel sorry for myself, and if I was lucky, I could sometimes get my husband to feel sorry for me too.  Of course, when you sit around feeling sorry for yourself all day, you start to sink into that dark hole, and it's hard to pull yourself back out.

It took awhile for me to figure it out, but it really was all about how I looked at things.  How I thought about things.  I could either view my life as difficult and miserable, or I could be grateful for what I had.  Things weren't perfect, but they could be so much worse.  In reality, I had it pretty darn good.  I had two healthy kids, a husband who loved us, a roof over our heads and food on the table.  What was I complaining about?

Fortunately, as time went on, I started figuring this life thing out.  I started to realize that I was the only person in charge of my happiness.  I had always relied on others to make me happy.  I would feed off of how I was treated by those around me, and allow that to determine whether or not I felt worthy, or important, or liked.  If their response to me was positive, I felt great.  If they ignored me, or treated me poorly, I would be crushed.  I never stopped to consider that perhaps they were having a bad day, or that something was going on in their lives that I wasn't aware of.  Instead, I would just jump to conclusions, and allow someone else's behavior determine how I felt.  

So, I started relying on myself to create my own happiness.  I wasn't going to let anyone else make that decision for me anymore.  I also noticed how easy it was to let another persons mood or demeanor rub off on me if I was around them on a regular basis.  This was great if it was a positive, outgoing, loving person.  However, it was pretty detrimental when it was someone who just spewed forth negativity and anger.  I started to really take notice of who I was spending time with.  Did they make me feel good when I was around them?  Were our conversations positive and light hearted?  Did we speak of others with high regard?  

Or, did I find all of our conversations tended to lean toward negative gossip, or hurtful conversations about other people who were my friends?  Did I disagree with what the other person was saying, but felt uncomfortable saying so, because I was afraid of the backlash that would occur?  

I realized that I need to rid this type of relationship from my life.  It was doing nothing to enhance my  life in anyway, and it wasn't adding to my happiness, so it needed to go.

One thing that has always made me crazy is when people say hurtful things about me....and I find out about it.  I have this need to have zero conflict in my life.  My gut reaction is to confront the person immediately and get to the bottom of it.  However, I usually give myself time to step back from the situation, and cool down.  If it truly is an issue that needs to be worked out, I will deal with it.  If it is just stupid gossip, I let it slide.  More often than not, it is really about the person spreading the gossip...not me.  I always find it so interesting when this occurs between ADULTS.  I get it when 12 year olds have these sorts of conflict, but when you have 40 or 50 year olds getting completely bent out of shape over jealousy or pride, or God knows what, yet they are still to immature to just talk to the person they are upset with, and instead resort to hurtful gossip....well, I just don't get it.

My advice to anyone who is the topic of gossip....let it roll off your back.  It has nothing to do with you.  It has EVERYTHING to do with the person behind the nasty words, so stay strong!

And to anyone who chooses to spread the gossip....just think before you speak.  Please.

and remember, no matter how hard you try, and how kind and loving you are....there is ALWAYS going to be someone out there whom you rub the wrong way.  So, just keep being you...because that is all you can do! :)

I am pretty sure that I have taken the wrong turn at every path I have attempted to go down.  I could certainly write a book about "What NOT To Do With the First 40 Years of Your Life....if You Want a Peaceful and Tear-Free Existence."  

However, I'm glad I made all those mistakes, because I have learned from them all.  And I feel like I am just now starting to get a handle on things....and am finally figuring out who I am.  I remember not liking myself for a really long time.  I'm not sure why...but I just didn't like who I was.  I think I felt like I didn't know who I was....so I couldn't determine how I really felt.  I took on different personas depending upon where I was.  There was "at home Beth," or "at work Beth," or "out with friends Beth," or "in public Beth."  Every one of them was different.  

Finally, I think I have found "just Beth," and I'm totally okay with her.  She doesn't need to be the life of the party.  She is perfectly content staying at home on a Friday night.  She enjoys interacting with other people, but also loves to be alone.  She is going to tell it like it is, and not apologize for it, because that is just the way it needs to be.  She doesn't care if she can squeeze into those size 5 jeans...(she wouldn't MIND if she could...but is totally ok if she can't) and she is TOTALLY fine with going out in public with NO make-up on....because she just doesn't give a crap.

I am finally comfortable in my own skin.

And here is the beautiful thing.

Just this year I realized that it doesn't matter that I'm not in my 20's anymore.  I can still chase after any darn dream that I want.  I could still go back to school and become a brain surgeon if I wanted to.  (yeah...that would be interesting.  I can't even stomach lumpy yogurt without gagging...the thought of even looking at a brain makes me dry heave.) 

But the bottom line is:  It's never too late.

Even if you don't have a "dream" in mind....you still must have something in your life that makes you smile.  Something that you look forward to.  So, you NEED to do that!

And then, start picturing yourself in one year.  Where do you want to be?  What do you want to be doing?  Is there something in your life that needs to change to accomplish that?  Is it a big change, or just small little steps that can bring you toward your goal?

We only live once....so we might as well do a bang up job this time around!

I know change can be tough sometimes, but it is also an adventure.  I LOVE change.  That is probably one of the reasons we have moved so much.  If Mark would let me, I would move to a new house every three years or so.  (He never lets me do anything fun!!) ;)

I know many people who dread change.  They are perfectly content to keep everything the way it is, even if they aren't happy.

I think Oprah describes it beautifully:

"We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are."

So here is my question for you today:  "What do you need to be?"

Happy Sunday! xo

A Day in the Life

The other day, I was looking around my house thinking "What am I REALLY good at?"

The answer was evident.

There were THREE things I am really, REALLY good at.

1. Wasting time,

2. Making a mess.

3.  Spending money.

Let's start with wasting time.

I think I could probably win the award for "Most unproductive use of time."  I start out with good intentions.  Every single day.  I always have a plan of some sort in my head.  I may even write it down, since things in my head tend not to stay for very long.

However, something always comes along to derail my plan. 

For instance, I have a problem with bringing my phone along during my daily soak in the tub.  Not only does bathing take more time than showering, but it also allows one to get lost in all of the quizzes, videos and posts that Facebook has to offer.  We all know how time sucking those things are.  And, if I am really trying to get out of doing something, I will open up the Pinterest app.  I can guarantee the bath water will be cold by the time I climb out.  I tell myself "just ONE more".....about 165 times...until I finally say (aloud) "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"  

Once I am finally out of the tub and somewhat presentable, I have typically wasted at least an hour to 90 minutes.  I may have been motivated to get my "to-do" list done prior to this lengthy bathing session, but once it's over, I am way to relaxed and tired to even remember what I was going to do in the first place.  

So, I walk into the kitchen, and look around.  It usually is not a pretty sight.  So, I just sit down and read the paper.  Or go to the computer.  Or play the piano.  Or something that will take up another good hour of my time.  

By now, it is probably time for me to leave for whatever it is I have to do that day, so obviously, nothing has gotten done.  However, there is no doubt that I have added to the mess that was already beginning to take over the house.  

I have this mental disease that does not allow me to tackle the disaster in my house unless I have the entire day completely free of obligations.  Unfortunately, this disease also has an override button that tempts me to lay in bed until noon and watch TV on those days.

When I finally do get myself up, and attempt create some sort of plan, as far as taking on the disaster I have created over the past several days (and let's not forget I have three helpers who are HUGE disaster creators also...) I am typically faced with a mess that completely overwhelms me.  

I should mention that I don't do well when overwhelmed.  At all.  It literally makes me either cry, rage, brood, or simply freeze up.

I find it next to impossible to get started when my house looks like this:

or this

or this

one more

(I should mention this pictures do not represent my house at its worst.  Not even close.)

When things get this bad....I typically retreat to my bed, and just take a nap.

Of course, when I wake up, I hate myself for not doing something about the mess.

This brings us to talent number 3.

Spending money.

I have a love/hate relationship with shopping.  For instance, I HATE grocery shopping.  I put it off as long as humanly possible.  And, as you can see from the kitchen photo above, I HATE putting the groceries away.

Clothes shopping is fun when I'm in the right mood, and when I'm not fat.  So, this doesn't happen very often.

Shoe shopping I love.  But, I do most of it online, because I hate going to the mall.  It is very disappointing when the shoes arrive, and don't look right or fit well, because the hassle of exchanging them is a pain in the butt, but when they are perfect...YAY!

What I LOVE shopping for is pretty things for the house.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed with my disgusting mess, I use this as my motivation to clean.  Worst idea ever, of course.

Bringing MORE stuff into the house is never a good idea, when you are attempting to figure out where to put the stuff you already have.  However, it does tend to get the adrenaline amped up, and my creative juices start flowing.  

The bad part is how quickly money tends to disappear from my account when the shopping begins.  

I should mention that there are only TWO pieces of furniture on the main floor of my house that were purchased new. (And one of them is my piano) The rest were either Craigslist finds, garage sale pieces I repurposed, or old pieces from flea markets or other shops.  

I would guess that all of my furniture together (excluding my two new pieces) cost the equivalent of one high end living room ensemble.  This includes two bedrooms full of furniture also.  

So, I am a good shopper when it comes to cool stuff for the house. 

Sadly, one of my favorite things to buy is bedding.  Of course, I prefer new in this area. :)

I am obsessed with duvet covers, down comforters, cable knit throws, feather pillows, pretty sheets, throw pillows,  fluffy blankets....etc.  I also have a slight obsession with pretty shower curtains, towels, and every yummy smelling soap, bubble bath, shower gel, and any fancy schmancy bathroom  product I can get my hands on.  Needless to say, these things are pricey.  Oh, and of course I need beautiful baskets and containers to store everything in.  

~

Some days I long for a home that is completely minimalistic.  I imagine what it must be like to just have a few select outfits (that you LOVE) to choose from each day, rather than a closet stuffed with clothes that you like....but never wear. (And yes, I have tried the "great purge".  It just seems to fill back up.)

I also wonder what it is like to have simple decor.  Just elegant, lovely items, no clutter, clear countertops, etc.  How do people do that?  Do they not have food in their homes?  Where do they put their bread?  Do they just have enough drawer space for all of the spatulas and wooden spoons, so they don't need to keep them on the counter?  And what about the toaster and coffee maker?  Where DO they hide these things??

It is a mystery to me.

~

In the end, I have come to realize that I love pretty things far too much.

I have often thought about whether or not this is an obsession of sorts.  Or an unhealthy "relationship" between me and my "stuff."

But then I realized that no....it wasn't just about having stuff.  For me, it was about making a home.

I have never cared about taking big vacations, or driving fancy, expensive cars.  I have never wanted to be "rich".....or obsessed about having tons of money.  All I have ever wanted was enough to be comfortable.  Enough to not have to lose sleep over worrying about how to pay the bills each month.  

These "things" I bring into my home are to simply help me create this cozy little haven for me and my family.  That has always been my top priority.  I want a place to come home to each night where, when I walk through the door, I feel like I am being embraced.  I want my kids to love where they live, and I want anyone who comes to our home to feel like they can just snuggle into the couch and relax.  

I have always loved being surrounded by a beautiful environment.  It is what makes me happy.  I don't think I would feel calm and peaceful in my house if it was bare and cold.  

Nothing makes me happier than when I have candles lit, the fireplace on, the house CLEAN, and I am making dinner for my family.  I feel like we are safe from all of the atrocities going on in the world....we are right were we are supposed to be, and I cherish that.  

I just feel grateful for everything I have....and I think that is the difference between trying to buy happiness, and actually being happy.

So, yesterday, once I finally got myself good and motivated, (because my husband told me his parents were coming over....that night!) I decided to kick some butt on the house.

Now, the trick is to actually KEEP it clean.  This may involve sending the kids to boarding school.

At any rate, clean house = happy mama....so for today....all is right in my world.

Have a great Saturday!