Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Looking for the Light

I am almost fully recovered from my marathon otherwise known as "Holy Week."   I tried really hard to stay awake all day on Sunday, but, alas, the couch won, and I crashed hard.  While it is one of the more stressful weeks of my year, as far as my job goes, there were some moments of "ahhhhh" that occurred, along with a lot of thought and contemplation.  The Catholic Church is known for its symbolism, and Holy Week is packed with it.  One thing I particularly love is at the Vigil on Saturday night, after the fire is blessed and the Easter candle is lit, each person then passes the flame throughout the darkened church until there are hundreds of tiny candles, shining brightly in the darkness.  I sat at the piano in silence, and watched as each individual candle was lit, and the tiny flicker of light quickly grew bigger than the darkness. 
 It made me think of my state of mind these past months.  There has been far too much darkness.  Winter always pulls me down into a place of sadness....but this year, I have been consumed by it, and have felt such a feeling of hopelessness.  
Things I thought were real and definite suddenly became uncertain and unstable.  Feelings of joy and excitement were replaced with fear and insecurity.  My future went from balanced to uncertain.  
And I have been living in a constant state of anxiousness and worry.  I hate not having a plan.  I hate it when things that directly affect my life are completely out of my control.  And what really sucks is that these feelings have brought back old issues that I have worked through....and should be over by now, yet they are resurfacing.  Crap like worrying about what people are saying/thinking about me.  Wondering why friends I have had for YEARS have suddenly slipped away.  Questioning my worth, in all areas of my life.  Stupid, self defeating thoughts that only drive you deeper into the darkness.

The ridiculous part is that I am 100% aware of all of it.  I'm not stupid.  I could list all of the dumb things I am doing, all of the reasons why I'm doing them, and all of the reasons it needs to change.  Funny how a person can be so aware, yet so incapable of getting their own shit together.
I am my own worse enemy.  I allow my mind to wander to places I know will hurt me.  When I don't have answers to fill in the blanks, my mind fills them in for me....and it's never good.  Why do we tend to gravitate toward "worse case" scenarios?  I tend to lean in the direction of the emotions that are most painful to me.  Jealousy is probably the worst one.  It eats me alive.  I can't think of a worse feeling....(other than grief, I suppose.) It makes me feel small and pathetic.  It makes me question myself, and wonder "am I not good enough?"  It just feels like a painful, sickening ache in my stomach that makes me wish we came with reset buttons, and could just either start over, or at least dial down these emotions that torment us.  

And so, I am searching for the light.  I have been pinning away on Pinterest, filling up my "self care" board, and my "Just Be" board, and "The Road to Happiness".  I'm reading again (currently the "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton) I'm blogging again (I find this therapeutic.  If you feel that I use this blog as my place to whine or feel sorry for myself, please just don't read it anymore.  I won't be offended.  At. All. 😉)  I am trying to immerse myself in music again...not just at work.  And I am trying to figure out how to love myself.  That's a big one.  And a hard one.  

I am working on "forward motion".  I am SO sick of feeling stuck in one place.  So tired of waiting for something to happen.  So over feeling unsure about EVERYTHING.  I finally realized that I can only depend on myself for my own happiness.  I can only rely on myself when it comes to moving on and making things happen.  I think I have always given other people the power to control how happy I am, or what direction my life moves.  That is the perfect recipe for disappointment.  Having high expectations and trusting in anyone else to follow through with your vision of how you thought things would be is how you set yourself up for heartache.  It took me 45 years, but I think I have finally figured out (after being disappointed time and time again) that I am the only person who I can rely on completely.  Some days, that feels pretty damn lonely.  I think that is why God created dogs. 

I'm trying to start pulling my house apart.  We went through all of the paint cans we had laying around....Mark was going to make a run to the dump, and hazardous waste place. (Wherever that is.)
He said "maybe we should leave some of the paint for the new owners, in case they want to touch something up."  New owners.  This is MY house.  This was my DREAMHOUSE.  And now I need to start figuring out what to get rid of (because I have A LOT of stuff) and I can guarantee that it will not all fit in my van by the river.  Things are getting real....more real everyday.  Last weekend I had a moment of "wtf are we doing?!!!!"  I am sure everyone goes through that.  All I could think about was Sam, and his very cool bedroom that we turned into a mini bachelor pad for him.  He has the sweetest set up with his computer and keyboards, speakers, clavinova....everything he needs to write.
It breaks my heart to take that away from him, and move him to some shitty apartment, or fixer upper somewhere.  He doesn't deserve that.  He deserves a nice home, with his beautiful bedroom, where he is happy and comfortable.  That is what is hurting me the most.  I want my kids to have a nice home to come back to when they are on break from college, or visiting after they move away.  This keeps me up at night.

Mark just handed me a "Financial Disclosure Statement."  Five pages to fill out, full of information that I need to come up with.  Do lawyers think we just have this stuff floating around in our heads....or that I am actually organized enough to know how much money my furniture's estimated value is?  Do I even care?!  Anyone who is reading this, who is under 35 and still single.....GETTING MARRIED IS EASY.  GETTING DIVORCED IS NOT.  DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING!!!! 😳

I fear my light for today has dimmed.  I'm going to try and light that damn candle again tomorrow.

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