Saturday, April 8, 2017


i had lunch with a friend the other day, and she asked me how I was doing.  I honestly didn't know how to answer that question.  At that moment...I was good.  10 minutes prior, not so good.  Every day is a roller coaster.  I think that is pretty normal in everyone's life.  I know it always has been in mine.  Now, it's just A LOT bumpier, and the twists and turns are way more dramatic.

I need to publicly apologize for my comments the other day, regarding my conversation with a friend, and "what not to say to someone going through a divorce".  I know he was just trying to be helpful.  I was a bundle of nerves that morning, as it was right before my scary dr. appt, and I was already feeling anxious and ready to break down.  I never meant to insinuate that his comments were "dumb".  Just that I wasn't in a frame of mind to be reminded about the trauma that was ahead of me.

Another friend also pointed out that my blog has become a pity party for myself.  This was never my intention.  Part of me regrets ever sharing any of this "stuff" with....well, the world.  Honestly, the reason I did was twofold.  1. I would rather people hear it from me than from the rumor mill.  2. I truly don't want anyone to feel like they need to tiptoe around Mark and I, or the issue.  I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, or be unsure whether they could bring it up...etc.
I am sure there are many people who share this opinion...that what I write is very "me" based.  I guess that I didn't even look at it that way, because I have always written about my experiences, feelings, opinions, stories.  Clearly, I need to keep some of those opinions and feelings to myself.  I have always had a problem with the whole "keep your mouth shut, and don't blurt out whatever you are thinking" thing.
I don't write about this stuff so people will feel sorry for me.  I don't want anyone to pity me.  I made this bed...I own it, I'm living in it.  I just find writing to be a therapeutic outlet...and hope that maybe some of what I am going through will resonate with someone else who might be feeling the same way.  We are all human...doing the best we can.

Have I disclosed every detail of my saga?  Of course not.  I don't think that is necessary.  Do I feel responsible for the break-down of my marriage? Yes, I do.  Do I think it is 100% my fault? is never on the shoulders of just one person.  Do I think that Mark is the one deserving of everyone's support and sympathy? Absolutely. He just refuses to buy in to social you can't express that to him here, at least.  You certainly can in person.

I can say, with 100% certainty, that the issues that would eventually lead to the destruction of my marriage...or to any relationship I have had, began long before I was ever even in a relationship with anyone.  Mark always tells me I'm my own "self-fulfilling prophecy."  Unfortunately, the things the were pounded into my head (and my heart) were not positive things.
As parents, we work with what we were given. Our parents set an example for us.  We either follow that example, or we use that example as what not to do.  My mom and I did not get along while I was growing up.  We were both far to strong willed and stubborn to ever see eye to eye.  And then there was my mouth....the one I couldn't control when I was mad.  It got me NO WHERE with her.  When she would get to the end of her rope with me...she would resort to saying things she knew would hurt me, just to shut me up.  Unfortunately, when you are a kid, those things tend to stick with you.  Funny how the nice things they say don't...but the bad things are branded on your brain.
The one that has stuck with me regarding relationships: "no man is ever going to love you." and "you will never be good enough."  I know she didn't mean those things now....but at the time, I didn't.
And so, in every relationship, I would wait for the ball to drop.  And, it always did.  And if it seemed to good to be true, I was convinced it was, and would self destruct. get the picture. It's easy to say hurtful things when we are mad.  In some respects, it was a good lesson.  I made sure to never let myself speak to my kids in the heat of the moment.  And if we did argue...I was so careful about thinking before I spoke. I hope that I never said anything hurtful that has stuck with them.  I think I will ask them about that the next time we are together.

And now, I am choosing to use all of my mistakes as lessons.  Trying to turn my regrets into knowledge.  I could sit here and condemn myself for stupid things I have done.  I could hate myself for tearing my family apart.  I could cower under the whispers and gossip, and allow myself to feel like a horrible person for choosing to move forward with my life.  I have to wonder how many people are looking at my situation, judging it, judging me.....while they continue to stay in an unhappy marriage.   Or they place all the blame for their unhappiness on another person, and won't  own their part in it.
NO ONE knows what really goes on in anyone's life, unless they are living it.  It is so easy to see what is presented in public, and assume that is reality.  I learned a long time ago that there are two sides (often very different sides!) to every story....and to judge someone truly is more about you than the person you are judging.
I have had many ups and downs in 21 years of marriage.  You sure learn a lot in that amount of time.
While it's sad that we got past the point of salvaging our relationship, I think we both know what we will do differently in future relationships.  There are some things that will be SO different for me.  The things that caused the greatest conflicts are the things I will never repeat.  There is something very refreshing about starting with a blank slate.  And also being at an age where you really know who you are, and what you want.  How does anyone know either of those things at age 23? I thought I did....I was wrong.
Am I trying to move on, and be happy? YES!!  Has that already happened...I am working on it. 🙄
I know that some people think that I am playing the victim, and that I have actually moved on with my life and am blissfully happy.  I am trying very hard to get there....but I am years from that coming to fruition.  In fact, at this point, I just have more drama and heartache in my life.  I'm quite certain you would find my picture next to the description of "hot mess" in the dictionary. 😑

I think I will be going back to writing stories about my kids and dogs for awhile.  I know I shouldn't care what people think.  I am not forcing anyone to read this stupid blog.  I write it because, for some reason, I suck at keeping a journal...and I think it will be fun to come back and read about what a disaster I was in my 40's. 😬
As far as me feeling sorry for I?  Some days...yes.  I think it is more scared than sorry.  It is also trying to adjust to what I thought was going to happen....and what really is happening.
I am just praying for the day that I wake up without a headache, I feel excited and motivated, I feel hopeful rather than hopeless, and I don't even feel the slightest urge to cry.  That will be my PERFECT day!!!

In closing, I apologize if I have ever written something that has offended you.  I am sorry if the resurrection of this blog has come across as a pathetic "woe is me" rambling.  I go on the record saying I AM 99.9% TO BLAME FOR THIS DIVORCE.  And I also apologize in advance if I lose my shit in front of you.  I currently have very little control over my emotional break downs (aka: crying, getting bitchy, crying,  did I mention crying?) 🙄
If you catch me on a good day, it is likely that I have either: taken three happy pills instead of two, added a shot of vodka to that water bottle I bring with me everywhere, already melted down in the car, and feel better now, or just don't give a shit about anything anymore!!  🤷🏻‍♀️
Have a great weekend. ❤️


  1. I love your blog, Beth. No need to apologize. Just write what you need to write for you. No judging from me. I actually learn not only about you, but about me when I read it. I admire you for getting it all out and not holding it in. Thanks! Martha B.

    1. So sorry for the long delay in responding! I thought I had, but clearly am losing my mind! 😜
      THANK YOU, Martha. This means A LOT to me!!!! ❤️

  2. Hugs to you, Beth. Been through it......

  3. This blog is your blog....and just like your facebook, your choice what you do and don't post and what you do and don't say. If it's working as a sort of therapy to help sort out feelings and emotions, post away. If someone doesn't like it or thinks it's a pity party....look away....'cause not your page. Hugs to you, I appreciate you sharing it all and hope you continue to do so....dogs or no dogs, love reading what's going on. :)

  4. You know if people don't like it no one told them they have to read it! Love you and sorry this is happening to you. Cope in whatever healthy and non destructive way you need to

  5. Beth,

    First time reading your blog, been loving following you on FB. Sorry to hear about you and Mark. I have no idea why or what has happened to you to bting you here.

    Those who say you are using this as a pity party F That!

    Be you! If you are pissed let it out. Hiding or masking your emotions or pain will only constipate your heart.

    I used my blog as a Dr Phil place for me to release deconstruct contemplate

    Be You!

  6. Totally agree with your other commenters: say whatever you want and don't feel you have to apologize, most especially for your feelings and how you're working through things. If it helps for now to "journal" this way, to reach out and get support in return, I say go for it. For every person who thinks this is a pity party, there are ten others who think "damn, she is so brave for sharing" and maybe your words and experiences are helping other people who have their own issues to work through. I know I value having gotten to know more about who you are through your blog (current and before) and I know how scary it is to put yourself out there for the world to judge—that's why I write fiction, for goodness' sake!! ;) I know you're going to get through all of this, I really do. You'll find your path...have faith <3

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