Sunday, August 6, 2017

The WaitIng

I am the queen of "waiting".  "I will wait until tomorrow to start that diet."  "I will wait until I'm feeling energized to tackle that disaster in the basement." "I will wait until I have some more money to take that vacation."   "I will wait until I am happy to live my life." You can see where this has gotten me.
There was a time when I didn't wait for anything.  When I knew I wanted something.....nothing could stop me from charging ahead and making it happen. (Well....okay, this NEVER applied to that damn diet....but other than THAT...)
As I got older, I let other people take the wind out of my sails.  If I shared my dreams with someone close to me, and they shot them down, or looked at me like I was crazy, I would find myself starting to doubt my thinking...doubt my abilities.  Obviously, if someone who loved me thought I was ridiculous for thinking about doing, well, whatever I was thinking about doing...that must mean I wasn't cut out for it, right?  At some point along the way, the girl who used to take those words of discouragement as a challenge to prove them wrong had turned into a woman who believed they were right.  And my self esteem began to plummet.  I would try to immerse myself in things that fed my soul.  I started doing shows again, performing whenever I could....anything I loved.  Ironically, my closest friends were rarely, if ever there to support me.  The experience did open my world to a whole new group of friends, however, for which I will be ever grateful...and it opened my eyes to the wonderful people in my life who are, and have been there for me through everything.

As I think back through all of this, I realize I have been searching....trying to fill a void.  And I have been waiting.  For years, that voice inside my head has been starting sentences with "when you are_________, then you will be happy."  You can fill in the blank with pretty much anything.  "Skinny, successful, single, married, wealthy, beautiful" etc.

A year ago, I decided I was done waiting, and I was going to finally take charge of my life.  It was the scariest thing I have ever done....but I forced myself to move forward, because I knew I had to follow my heart, or I would look back in 20 years and regret it if I didn't.  Initially, it felt like I was taking a huge step forward.  In reality, my life has been on hold for the past year....and continues to be.  Not because I want it to be, but because certain situations have caused it to be that are out of my control.
I can honestly say that being in a situation where I have zero control is probably the most difficult, frustrating position I have ever been in.  I NEED TO CONTROL MY LIFE!!! I NEED TO PLAN!!!
I need to know that Rosie and I won't be living in a van by the river next summer!! 😳😑

So, now I am faced with the dilemma: how long can a person wait before they start to lose themselves?  I am a pretty patient person, but there comes a point when you start to question everything.  At what stage do you give up the hopes and dreams of everything you wanted, because
you can't wait anymore?  Which is the better option: to break your own heart and move on, or to stick
 it out and wait for something that might never happen?

(Excerpt from) THE WAITING
Tom Petty

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
Don't let it kill you baby, don't let it get to you
Don't let 'em kill you baby, don't let 'em get to you
I'll be your breathing heart, I'll be your crying fool
Don't let this go to far, don't let it get to you

Saturday, June 3, 2017

13 Reasons

I haven't written a post in awhile....I have started a few, and then let them sit.  I have always been a person who just "puts it out there"....and tries not to sugar coat reality.  Lately, however, life has been kicking me in the ass, and I have found that I'm afraid to put my thoughts down in writing, much less out there for the world to see.  However, sometimes it seems that using yourself as an example is the best way to make others aware of how ones actions can lift up or tear down a person when they are most vulnerable.

I have been binge watching 13 Reasons on Netflix.  I finished it yesterday...and felt like I was going to melt into my couch with all the tears I shed.  (If you haven't watched should.). I think there were two things that hit me the hardest: 1. The mothers reaction when she found her daughter....first the denial, and then the fear and utter despair. And 2. Hannah...(the main character) at the moment of her suicide.  Of course, everything leading up to it was so devestating....but the despair at the hit home so damn hard.

The past six months for me have felt like the adult version of this series in so many ways.  It's crazy how you can just be trying to live your life, minding your own business, yet somehow your world just starts to crumble around you.  People who disguise themselves as friends interject themselves into your life, acting like they truly care, and are "looking out for you."  When in reality, they are just digging for as much dirt as they can get their hands on...and once they have it, they turn against you, twisting your words, shaming you, even blatantly lying to you.

My headache specialist (whom I adore) has become my pseudo therapist as well.  Her comment regarding divorce (as she has experienced it) is "you will see your friends start to fall away...they seem to think it's contagious."  I remember how things changed for my mom after my dad died.  She was only 47, and she felt like some of her friends no longer wanted her around, because she was now single...and married women don't like single women hanging around.  So, not only was she dealing with the sadness of being a widow...but she lost friends because of it.

One of the most difficult things to deal with is the lies and rumors.  I have owned my part in this divorce.  I have never thrown Mark under the bus, nor have I blamed him for anything, because I am just not going to go there.  However, I think we can all agree that no one leaves a perfect marriage.  And I am not going to pretend my marriage was ever perfect.  From before it began, there were issues, and they were issues that I am NOT taking the blame for.  There are two sides to every story, and what has been very hurtful to me is that in our story, only one side is out there.  And in that story, I take all the blame.  I own it, I won't pretend I didn't make mistakes, however, there are solid reasons that led to them, and those are conveniently still hiding under the rug.  Because of this, I have watched our mutual friends walk away from me.  I see a complete change in behavior toward me from people whom I have been friends with for years.  I used to walk into a room filled with people I know, and be greeted with smiles and hugs, and people who wanted to talk TO me.  Now, I walk into that same room, and see people avoid making eye contact, as they appear to talk ABOUT me.

This is what happens in high school cafeterias when rumors are spread.  And clearly, when those high schoolers grow into adults, those behaviors don't change.  And, when you become an adult, and are the one on the receiving end of that behavior, you really do feel like that 17 year old girl, who can't wait to get out of that room, so you can get in your car where no one can see the tears in your eyes.
And you really do feel like that teenage girl, when out with a friend, and you look over to see other people you know walk in...but they quickly look away and pretend they don't see you.

And what is even worse is when you walk through your front door,  and your teenage daughter is sitting at the table, and you have to try to hide your tears, because you are supposed to be the mom...not the "teenager" falling apart.  And the biggest irony is when you get to your room, and completely break down, and your soon-to-be ex tries to comfort you....when he is the one who made you out to be a horrible person to his friends, because he spoke to them when he was feeling angry and resentful, and tells you he wishes he could take it all back.  Funny how words work.  Once they get put out there, you can never take them back.  So even when you speak a falsehood....the person who hears them thinks its the truth.  And those series of words put together have the ability to destroy someone's life.

I woke up at 4 this morning, and just laid here in the quiet, thinking about, well, everything.  If I could choose one word to describe how I feel these days, it would be "alone."  I have also come to a place where I realize that words mean so little to me anymore.  Talk is cheap.  I can't begin to tell you the number of times I have been disappointed by the things people have said to me....promised me. The fact that people I considered friends have turned on me over WORDS or ASSUMPTIONS also baffles me.  Not one person who is currently avoiding me, or whose behavior toward me has changed has asked me a single question.  No one has said "I heard this it true?"
I have been asked "are you happy?"  Currently....not really.  I dont know how I could be.  But man, I am sure trying to figure out how to be.  I feel very confused, paranoid, judged, sad, emotional, stressed, and exhausted.  I really don't get excited or feel passionate about anything right now....except sleep....but that isn't even working very well for me.

My point in writing all of this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me....or to have a self proclaimed "pity party" as I have previously been accused of.  My point is this:  if you know someone who is going through a difficult time....please be gentle with them.  If you have heard rumors or gossip from someone other than the is just that...a RUMOR. Or GOSSIP.  If you have only heard one side of the story.....there is always another side, and believe me, it is not going to be the same as what you already heard.  Especially when there are hurt feelings and anger involved.
Just because someone looks like they have it all together, don't always believe it.  I have never put more effort into NOT having a break down in front of people before in my life.  Thank God my car has tinted windows.
For those who think I have moved on and am blissfully happy......I would happily offer you a day in my shoes.  You would quickly understand why I have constant headaches, my hair needs to be colored every two weeks, and just leaving the house is a huge accomplishment.

One thing I have learned is that whenever people need you, or when you fit neatly into their "box of what is acceptable" you will have a large circle of friends.  And it feels good to have a big group of people who seem to like you and want you around.  However, once you no longer fit in that box (you get divorced, you do something they consider unacceptable, you speak up and disagree with someone who can't handle conflict, you say the wrong thing to the wrong person, and they turn everyone against you, etc) suddenly,  you are back in high school, and it's a live episode of "Mean Girls."
What the hell are we teaching our kids?  Attack anyone who doesn't fit your criteria?  Act superior, because you are so much better than everyone else?  Really?  Play the religion card?
How about we all just come back down to earth and agree that we are doing the best we can?
We all just want to be happy, and want to be able to look back on our lives when we are 90 (God willing) and say "I didn't just settle.....I really LIVED!"
How about we support each other instead of tearing each other down?
How about we stop spending so damn much time worrying about what other people are doing, and judging them for it....and start thinking about what WE are doing to maybe make this world a little kinder, a little friendlier, a little more loving?
Maybe, rather than talking about people, we talk TO them?
Perhaps, instead of gossiping about the latest scandal, we actually reach out to that person, and make sure they are ok?  Chances are, they could really use a friend.  A REAL friend.
And maybe, rather than pretending we don't see someone, we just walk over there and give that person a hug.  Cause guess what....there is a good chance that person has been feeling pretty damn invisible for quite awhile, and could use one.

Being nice is easier than being mean....and it sure feels a lot better too.
Dig deep people.  You don't know what is going on, truly, with anyone but yourself.  So, instead of pretending you do, or assuming you have any idea what anyone else is feeling....just stop yourself, remind yourself that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about, and be kind. ❤️

Monday, May 1, 2017


Preface:  My girlfriends mentioned that the lovely gray shade I had been using for my font color was not conducive to happy reading, when it came to super sexy eyes of the more mature, well read woman. I have darkened things up, changed the font, and made it a little larger.  I think all of the women who read this will appreciate that.  ;)  Carry on.
I'm sitting on my couch, wondering at what point in my life did I lose control. 🤔
I sit on my couch a lot.  I have two ridiculously comfy IKEA couches (I can't even begin to tell you how long it took me to aquire TWO white, slipcovered couches.) And no, I didn't go to Ikea and buy them.  I hunted for them....for years, until Craigslist came through...and I found them both (in perfect condition) for less than the price of one at the store.  Yay me.
Anyway....don't buy comfy couches if you have a tendency to feel overwhelmed, and find that you gravitate toward soft fluffy places and fall asleep when that happens.  Sleep is my escape.  From everything.
Feeling overwhelmed is not a new thing for me.  However, feeling that way in EVERY area of my life is.  The funny thing is, I have more free time now than I ever have before.  So, one would think I would be calm and relaxed, and perhaps even have my shit together!  😆🤣🙃😫
Let's break this down. (This is 100% for my own benefit...feel free to come along if you would like.)

Obstacle 1.  My House.
This is currently the bane of my existence.  Somehow, my lovely abode turned into the "stuff mart" and I am Madame Bluberry.  ( you need to be a Veggie Tales fan, circa early 2000's to get that reference.)  Lets just say that it doesn't end well for Madame Blueberry.
I have an entire library of self help books to assist me in this area.  "Does This Stuff Make My Butt Look Fat?"  "Unstuffed" "Clearing the Clutter" "Its All Too Much" etc.  I also have all of the books on simplifying your life, as well as perfecting the art of feng shui.  I'm overwhelmed by the amount of books I now own.  🙄

When we bought our first house (and there were no kids or pets, and Mark was never home) that place was spotless! Five moves later...we have accumulated 3,000 square feet of stuff....and it's stressing me out.  However, I have this stupid attachment to much of it.  I LOVE pretty things...and I have SO MANY pretty things!  And how many times have I gotten rid of something, only to need it a week later?
I am completely aware of the fact that I would bo SO much happier, and just be able to BREATHE if I cleared this place out.  It has to happen.

Obstacle 2.  My life.
AGH!  This rollercoaster ride is killing me.  I don't think I have ever felt so out of control of what's going on as I have over the past few months.  It feels like someone else is steering the ship, and I'm at their mercy.  It's a horrible place to be in.  I feel like I have been trying so hard to keep everyone happy....while my happiness suffers.  Have you ever felt like that?  Where you are willing to make others your top priority, and will sacrifice so much for them, but they treat you like an option?  It's amazing how small and insignificant that can make you feel.

And then there is the work aspect, where you get pulled in 50 different directions.  Luckily, my work life is typically very enjoyable.  For the most part, I'm doing what I love, so it's hard to complain about that!  However, as in every job, you always have to deal with ridiculous issues.  It's inevitable.
I think the thing that is the most baffling to me is always the drama that ensues.  When working with adults, you would think that things would just be straightforward and smooth.  But that is rarely the case.  It seems there is always someone who is unhappy, or who finds issue with everything.  They need your undivided attention when you are trying to work with an entire group, or are meeting with other individuals.  It gets exhausting.  If I ever act like that....please stop me and tell me to knock it off!

Obstacle 3.  My Attitude.
This one I'm trying really hard to work on.  Needless to say, it hasn't been good lately.  My rollercoaster isnt helping.  I am typically a very good listener.  I think one of my best qualities is my compassion.  Lately, I have felt very short tempered and impatient.  And it's not just when I'm tired and hungry. 😬  Things that I would usually just brush off now genuinely upset me.  People coming at me with constant complaints and attitude, who, in turn, then expect me to coddle them, and go out of my way to make sure they have everything they want....make me crazy.  Promises that never come to frustrating.  People who say one thing, and do another....drives me nuts.  Maybe I'm just getting older and less tolerant of all the bs.....but whatever it is, my fuse is much shorter than its ever been.  I have found that my list of friends is changing.  The people I thought were my longest closest friends are the ones who I never hear from.  However, people who have been less prominent in my life up until this point have become my support system.  These are the people I would turn to in a heartbeat if I ever needed something, and hope they would feel they could do the same with me.

I think another thing that has really affected my attitude is trust.  I spend WAY too much time perusing Pinterest quotes, especially when I'm sad or hurt.  It's funny how many of them say exactly what you are feeling.  One that really resonates with me says something like "be careful who you trust....only a few care.  The rest are just curious."  Even harder than that has been coming to terms with situations that I thought were moving in one direction....but backfired on me.  I think when you allow your hopes and expectations to rely on someone else, you set yourself up for a fall.  It is these experiences that have made me realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself.  It doesn't matter what another person says, or promises, or even tries to make you believe.  In the end, the only thing you can control is YOU. I don't think there is anything more frustrating than this....but what can you do?  Shakespeare put it well: "Expectation is the root of all heartache." This actually makes me really sad, because I love being excited about the future.  I love hoping for good things to come.  I love having high expectations.  And yes, I am often disappointed.

That leads me to where I am at now.  Trying to figure out how to navigate my life.  Where do I go from here? I have been in this holding pattern for quite awhile now, and while I thought I had some direction....I was wrong.  So, I need to learn how to dream again.  How to get excited for a future of unknowns.  I am tired of feeling like I am "stuck" or waiting for something that will probably never happen.  I feel like I have been just wasting my life for the past few months, while I sit here....spinning in limbo.  I don't know what the answer is yet....but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find it on my couch.  I think it's  time for a major overhaul.
Plan "Get My Shit Together" will be drawn up today.
Wish me luck.
This might call for some coffee.  The fancy kind. 😉☕️

Thursday, April 20, 2017


Today was a shit storm.  I woke up with really good intentions.  I even hopped in the tub before 9am (this NEVER happens, unless it's Sunday, and I have to be at church by 7:30....and let's be real.....7:45.  Sometimes 7:50.  A couple weeks ago, 7:58.  (Church starts at 8.). I admit, that might have been pushing it a little too close.  Father Parr (who NEVER gets mad) said, somewhat sternly, "Beth! You are making me very nervous...I thought you had forgotten about us!"  I winked at him, and assured him I would NEVER forget about him, and then sprinted to the piano, as my choir members gave me the "stink eye." 😜 Wow, it's so easy to go off on a tangent.

I honestly don't even know how it started, but I suddenly found myself getting all defensive and upset with the last person on earth I want to fight with.  Texts were misinterpreted, I flew off the handle, then I had a mini-meltdown.  Just a typical morning around here. 🙄  Thankfully, we were able to talk it all out, as we always do, and everything was ok again.
Then, I went to the computer to pay some bills.  I tried typing in my user name, and it kept telling me that my name wasn't in their records.  I sent Mark a scathing text, asking him if he had changed the user name/password, because I couldn't log in and pay our %#,€,!.*!{ bills.  As he was replying with a definite "NO I DID NOT!!!" I realized that they had changed the website a bit, and rather than typing my info in the correct box (where it typically just defaults to) I was typing it in the search box. Oopsies.  Sorry Mark.  You just suffered from the aftermath of my morning meltdown. 😬

I had an appointment with my headache specialist today.  It really was more of a therapy session.  I love her.  She went through a rather similar situation, and is easy to talk to.  She asked me about my stress and anxiety and how that affected my headaches. Was it a result of the meds I am on....or my life? I assured her my life was to blame for everything, and she needed to drug me, and drug me WELL.  This is where she was SUPPOSED to write a big fat prescription for Prozac, and send me on my way.  Yeah, they never do what I want them to. 🙄  She just upped the dosage of one thing, and lowered the dosage of another.  I should "know in 2-3 weeks if it's helping."  Maybe I will just send her a note that says "SOS!!!! SEND PROZAC!!!!" 🤔

I came home and actually made dinner. (This is right up there with "took a bath before 9am") Clearly, I was an overachiever today.  I told Mark I wanted to discuss pushing back the idea of selling our house until next summer, after Sam graduates. (And I have a year to save money, get my shit together, and clean out this place, which is starting to resemble an episode of hoarders.)  I have been stressing out pretty hard about where I will live if we sell this place.  I have three strikes against me: very limited income, two dogs (that are literally the only things keeping me sane right now) and I teach voice and piano out of my how do I find a place that can accommodate all of that?
Mark has a nice safety net, as his parents are there, and able to help as needed, as well as his siblings. The closest thing I have to a "net" is a bad hair net I had from working in some kitchen somewhere.
There ain't nothin' "safe" about that!!  Anyway, the talk didn't go as well as I had hoped, and melt down #2 followed.  Luckily, I have great friends, who happen to enjoy happy hour, and within 15 minutes of posting my woes on FB, I had a text informing me where I needed to go for a nice, big margarita, and girl talk.  It was just what I needed.

I came home, and had a nice talk with my son.  I haven't had a chance to really sit down with him alone to talk about how he is feeling.  I wanted to know what he wants, if he wants to stay here until he is done with high school, or if he doesn't care.  I asked him how he was feeling about everything.  I really lucked out, and ended up with two really great kids.

At that point, I realized that I need to just turn everything around.  I have been in this negative place for months now.  I try to pull myself out, but then my mind starts spinning, and all the crappy thoughts flood back in, and I am a ball of anxiety and sadness again.  I am the queen of quotes on Pinterest.  I must have had 300 of them saved in my photos on my phone.  You can really tell the kind of day I was having by looking through the quotes.  They used to be happy or funny...but over the past four months, they have become so sad and depressing.  I looked through them all tonight, and it was like reading through all of things I was feeling, or wanted to say, but was too afraid to.  Ironically, reading them makes me feel worse rather than better.  So, I started deleting them.  If it wasn't something positive or funny, I got rid of it.  My mind can conjure up enough dire crap all on its own.  I certainly don't need Pinterest to remind me that my life is currently a disaster.  And so, it is time to change my thinking.  To change my whole perspective.

I have been so worried about all of the "unknowns" that lie ahead of me.  "Where will I live" is probably one of the biggest sources of stress.  My two bff's said to me today that I need to trust that everything will work out.  I have not been allowing myself to be very hopeful, because I'm so afraid of being let down.  I made the mistake of trusting that things were going to work out the way I wanted them to.  I believed one thing, and got the opposite.  Once you get burned, it's hard to walk toward the fire again.  However, I truly believe that I have come to a crossroad.  I am not going to delude myself into believing there won't be set backs, or bad days ahead.  I do believe that if I am ever going to move forward, and feel GOOD again, I have to let myself trust, and believe and dream. I have to stop blocking the doorway and allow new light and energy to enter into my life.  I have to trust that everything WILL be ok, and that I deserve to be ok.

I have been stuck in this state of thinking that all the misery coming at me was some sort of punishment or bad karma for all the mistakes I have made in my life.  I convinced myself that I deserved every bad thing that was happening to me, and that believing I was worthy of happiness and a good life would only bring more pain and sadness my way.  I felt selfish wishing....hoping for my life to turn around and just be GOOD again.  Well, I'm getting over that.  I realized tonight after my not-very-productive conversation, that I have to stick up for myself.  I am my only advocate.  I don't have parents to fall back on.  My sisters are up to their necks in their busy lives.  For a long time, I have questioned my worth.  It was like I wasn't important because I didn't have an impressively job or title.  I didn't have a "normal" work schedule, so I was obviously not contributing much to the household.  (Even though I taught four nights a week, and work every weekend.)  I'm done feeling guilty about that.  It's time to set goals for myself.....some very small, some that might take a miracle to accomplish.....but at least I will have a plan of sorts in place.  I'm also going to try to stay away from anything that pulls me back into the black hole.  I am hoping if I keep flooding my mind with positive, inspirational material, it will eventually override all of the "stinking thinking."

I need to add a thank you, to all of you who have sent messages and texts.  I can't begin to tell you how amazing the love and support both Mark and I have received has been.  On the days when I feel so down and alone, I just read through those messages, and my heart swells over the thoughtfulness
 and compassion of friends, old and new.  I hope that someday I am able to repay your kindness. ❤️

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Looking for the Light

I am almost fully recovered from my marathon otherwise known as "Holy Week."   I tried really hard to stay awake all day on Sunday, but, alas, the couch won, and I crashed hard.  While it is one of the more stressful weeks of my year, as far as my job goes, there were some moments of "ahhhhh" that occurred, along with a lot of thought and contemplation.  The Catholic Church is known for its symbolism, and Holy Week is packed with it.  One thing I particularly love is at the Vigil on Saturday night, after the fire is blessed and the Easter candle is lit, each person then passes the flame throughout the darkened church until there are hundreds of tiny candles, shining brightly in the darkness.  I sat at the piano in silence, and watched as each individual candle was lit, and the tiny flicker of light quickly grew bigger than the darkness. 
 It made me think of my state of mind these past months.  There has been far too much darkness.  Winter always pulls me down into a place of sadness....but this year, I have been consumed by it, and have felt such a feeling of hopelessness.  
Things I thought were real and definite suddenly became uncertain and unstable.  Feelings of joy and excitement were replaced with fear and insecurity.  My future went from balanced to uncertain.  
And I have been living in a constant state of anxiousness and worry.  I hate not having a plan.  I hate it when things that directly affect my life are completely out of my control.  And what really sucks is that these feelings have brought back old issues that I have worked through....and should be over by now, yet they are resurfacing.  Crap like worrying about what people are saying/thinking about me.  Wondering why friends I have had for YEARS have suddenly slipped away.  Questioning my worth, in all areas of my life.  Stupid, self defeating thoughts that only drive you deeper into the darkness.

The ridiculous part is that I am 100% aware of all of it.  I'm not stupid.  I could list all of the dumb things I am doing, all of the reasons why I'm doing them, and all of the reasons it needs to change.  Funny how a person can be so aware, yet so incapable of getting their own shit together.
I am my own worse enemy.  I allow my mind to wander to places I know will hurt me.  When I don't have answers to fill in the blanks, my mind fills them in for me....and it's never good.  Why do we tend to gravitate toward "worse case" scenarios?  I tend to lean in the direction of the emotions that are most painful to me.  Jealousy is probably the worst one.  It eats me alive.  I can't think of a worse feeling....(other than grief, I suppose.) It makes me feel small and pathetic.  It makes me question myself, and wonder "am I not good enough?"  It just feels like a painful, sickening ache in my stomach that makes me wish we came with reset buttons, and could just either start over, or at least dial down these emotions that torment us.  

And so, I am searching for the light.  I have been pinning away on Pinterest, filling up my "self care" board, and my "Just Be" board, and "The Road to Happiness".  I'm reading again (currently the "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton) I'm blogging again (I find this therapeutic.  If you feel that I use this blog as my place to whine or feel sorry for myself, please just don't read it anymore.  I won't be offended.  At. All. 😉)  I am trying to immerse myself in music again...not just at work.  And I am trying to figure out how to love myself.  That's a big one.  And a hard one.  

I am working on "forward motion".  I am SO sick of feeling stuck in one place.  So tired of waiting for something to happen.  So over feeling unsure about EVERYTHING.  I finally realized that I can only depend on myself for my own happiness.  I can only rely on myself when it comes to moving on and making things happen.  I think I have always given other people the power to control how happy I am, or what direction my life moves.  That is the perfect recipe for disappointment.  Having high expectations and trusting in anyone else to follow through with your vision of how you thought things would be is how you set yourself up for heartache.  It took me 45 years, but I think I have finally figured out (after being disappointed time and time again) that I am the only person who I can rely on completely.  Some days, that feels pretty damn lonely.  I think that is why God created dogs. 

I'm trying to start pulling my house apart.  We went through all of the paint cans we had laying around....Mark was going to make a run to the dump, and hazardous waste place. (Wherever that is.)
He said "maybe we should leave some of the paint for the new owners, in case they want to touch something up."  New owners.  This is MY house.  This was my DREAMHOUSE.  And now I need to start figuring out what to get rid of (because I have A LOT of stuff) and I can guarantee that it will not all fit in my van by the river.  Things are getting real....more real everyday.  Last weekend I had a moment of "wtf are we doing?!!!!"  I am sure everyone goes through that.  All I could think about was Sam, and his very cool bedroom that we turned into a mini bachelor pad for him.  He has the sweetest set up with his computer and keyboards, speakers, clavinova....everything he needs to write.
It breaks my heart to take that away from him, and move him to some shitty apartment, or fixer upper somewhere.  He doesn't deserve that.  He deserves a nice home, with his beautiful bedroom, where he is happy and comfortable.  That is what is hurting me the most.  I want my kids to have a nice home to come back to when they are on break from college, or visiting after they move away.  This keeps me up at night.

Mark just handed me a "Financial Disclosure Statement."  Five pages to fill out, full of information that I need to come up with.  Do lawyers think we just have this stuff floating around in our heads....or that I am actually organized enough to know how much money my furniture's estimated value is?  Do I even care?!  Anyone who is reading this, who is under 35 and still single.....GETTING MARRIED IS EASY.  GETTING DIVORCED IS NOT.  DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING!!!! 😳

I fear my light for today has dimmed.  I'm going to try and light that damn candle again tomorrow.

Saturday, April 8, 2017


i had lunch with a friend the other day, and she asked me how I was doing.  I honestly didn't know how to answer that question.  At that moment...I was good.  10 minutes prior, not so good.  Every day is a roller coaster.  I think that is pretty normal in everyone's life.  I know it always has been in mine.  Now, it's just A LOT bumpier, and the twists and turns are way more dramatic.

I need to publicly apologize for my comments the other day, regarding my conversation with a friend, and "what not to say to someone going through a divorce".  I know he was just trying to be helpful.  I was a bundle of nerves that morning, as it was right before my scary dr. appt, and I was already feeling anxious and ready to break down.  I never meant to insinuate that his comments were "dumb".  Just that I wasn't in a frame of mind to be reminded about the trauma that was ahead of me.

Another friend also pointed out that my blog has become a pity party for myself.  This was never my intention.  Part of me regrets ever sharing any of this "stuff" with....well, the world.  Honestly, the reason I did was twofold.  1. I would rather people hear it from me than from the rumor mill.  2. I truly don't want anyone to feel like they need to tiptoe around Mark and I, or the issue.  I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, or be unsure whether they could bring it up...etc.
I am sure there are many people who share this opinion...that what I write is very "me" based.  I guess that I didn't even look at it that way, because I have always written about my experiences, feelings, opinions, stories.  Clearly, I need to keep some of those opinions and feelings to myself.  I have always had a problem with the whole "keep your mouth shut, and don't blurt out whatever you are thinking" thing.
I don't write about this stuff so people will feel sorry for me.  I don't want anyone to pity me.  I made this bed...I own it, I'm living in it.  I just find writing to be a therapeutic outlet...and hope that maybe some of what I am going through will resonate with someone else who might be feeling the same way.  We are all human...doing the best we can.

Have I disclosed every detail of my saga?  Of course not.  I don't think that is necessary.  Do I feel responsible for the break-down of my marriage? Yes, I do.  Do I think it is 100% my fault? is never on the shoulders of just one person.  Do I think that Mark is the one deserving of everyone's support and sympathy? Absolutely. He just refuses to buy in to social you can't express that to him here, at least.  You certainly can in person.

I can say, with 100% certainty, that the issues that would eventually lead to the destruction of my marriage...or to any relationship I have had, began long before I was ever even in a relationship with anyone.  Mark always tells me I'm my own "self-fulfilling prophecy."  Unfortunately, the things the were pounded into my head (and my heart) were not positive things.
As parents, we work with what we were given. Our parents set an example for us.  We either follow that example, or we use that example as what not to do.  My mom and I did not get along while I was growing up.  We were both far to strong willed and stubborn to ever see eye to eye.  And then there was my mouth....the one I couldn't control when I was mad.  It got me NO WHERE with her.  When she would get to the end of her rope with me...she would resort to saying things she knew would hurt me, just to shut me up.  Unfortunately, when you are a kid, those things tend to stick with you.  Funny how the nice things they say don't...but the bad things are branded on your brain.
The one that has stuck with me regarding relationships: "no man is ever going to love you." and "you will never be good enough."  I know she didn't mean those things now....but at the time, I didn't.
And so, in every relationship, I would wait for the ball to drop.  And, it always did.  And if it seemed to good to be true, I was convinced it was, and would self destruct. get the picture. It's easy to say hurtful things when we are mad.  In some respects, it was a good lesson.  I made sure to never let myself speak to my kids in the heat of the moment.  And if we did argue...I was so careful about thinking before I spoke. I hope that I never said anything hurtful that has stuck with them.  I think I will ask them about that the next time we are together.

And now, I am choosing to use all of my mistakes as lessons.  Trying to turn my regrets into knowledge.  I could sit here and condemn myself for stupid things I have done.  I could hate myself for tearing my family apart.  I could cower under the whispers and gossip, and allow myself to feel like a horrible person for choosing to move forward with my life.  I have to wonder how many people are looking at my situation, judging it, judging me.....while they continue to stay in an unhappy marriage.   Or they place all the blame for their unhappiness on another person, and won't  own their part in it.
NO ONE knows what really goes on in anyone's life, unless they are living it.  It is so easy to see what is presented in public, and assume that is reality.  I learned a long time ago that there are two sides (often very different sides!) to every story....and to judge someone truly is more about you than the person you are judging.
I have had many ups and downs in 21 years of marriage.  You sure learn a lot in that amount of time.
While it's sad that we got past the point of salvaging our relationship, I think we both know what we will do differently in future relationships.  There are some things that will be SO different for me.  The things that caused the greatest conflicts are the things I will never repeat.  There is something very refreshing about starting with a blank slate.  And also being at an age where you really know who you are, and what you want.  How does anyone know either of those things at age 23? I thought I did....I was wrong.
Am I trying to move on, and be happy? YES!!  Has that already happened...I am working on it. 🙄
I know that some people think that I am playing the victim, and that I have actually moved on with my life and am blissfully happy.  I am trying very hard to get there....but I am years from that coming to fruition.  In fact, at this point, I just have more drama and heartache in my life.  I'm quite certain you would find my picture next to the description of "hot mess" in the dictionary. 😑

I think I will be going back to writing stories about my kids and dogs for awhile.  I know I shouldn't care what people think.  I am not forcing anyone to read this stupid blog.  I write it because, for some reason, I suck at keeping a journal...and I think it will be fun to come back and read about what a disaster I was in my 40's. 😬
As far as me feeling sorry for I?  Some days...yes.  I think it is more scared than sorry.  It is also trying to adjust to what I thought was going to happen....and what really is happening.
I am just praying for the day that I wake up without a headache, I feel excited and motivated, I feel hopeful rather than hopeless, and I don't even feel the slightest urge to cry.  That will be my PERFECT day!!!

In closing, I apologize if I have ever written something that has offended you.  I am sorry if the resurrection of this blog has come across as a pathetic "woe is me" rambling.  I go on the record saying I AM 99.9% TO BLAME FOR THIS DIVORCE.  And I also apologize in advance if I lose my shit in front of you.  I currently have very little control over my emotional break downs (aka: crying, getting bitchy, crying,  did I mention crying?) 🙄
If you catch me on a good day, it is likely that I have either: taken three happy pills instead of two, added a shot of vodka to that water bottle I bring with me everywhere, already melted down in the car, and feel better now, or just don't give a shit about anything anymore!!  🤷🏻‍♀️
Have a great weekend. ❤️

Friday, April 7, 2017

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

I will begin by saying, I refuse to use this blog as a platform to pontificate about my political opinions...however, my heart is heavy tonight.  I fear for our country...for the innocent people who will be, and have already been casualties of the attacks this week in Syria, and for the future of this world.  I can't remember the last time I saw or heard positive news about good things happening in our country.  I worry about what we are passing down to our children.  😞

Moving on.  Today was going to be a good day.  I was feeling pretty positive about some issues that have been weighing me down.  I talked them out with the person I needed to work things put with, and left our conversation feeling a weight had been lifted.  I decided to really work hard on focusing my mind on positive thoughts.  It is amazing to me how easy it is to succumb to your own despair.  I can go from feeling fine one moment, and then with something as simple as a word or a question or even a facial expression, I crash.  It could be because I really need someone to acknowledge that I'm having trouble dealing with something....and I will try to spell it out for them, but they choose to either avoid talking about it, or they change the subject.  Sometimes, all you need is some reassurance that everything is fine...and it's all going to be ok in the end.  When you don't get that, your mind starts to conjur up "worst case" scenarios.  It is so easy to get lost in allow your mind to twist reality enough to make you feel inadequate or worthless.

So, today I started making a conscious effort to rid myself of the "stinkin thinkin"...,and for awhile, it worked.  Then I got a message from Mark.  Earlier in the day, I noticed on the computer that he had ordered a score for band that included a part for a female vocalist.  For the past three years, he has had me sing a number with a band he guest conducts.  I really look forward to it each year.
I sent a text, asking if he wanted me to do it again this year, so I could get it on my calendar.  He told me that while he would love to have me sing, he didn't think he could handle it emotionally, and this is an important gig for him.  Clearly I would be an unwelcome distraction.
It hit me pretty hard.  I think these are the things that will be the biggest struggle.  Having to give up all of the fun things we did in the same circles.  The fact that we are both musicians, living in a pretty small area...we both know all the same people, and are often involved in the same projects together.
In my mind, I didn't think this was going to be a problem.  Yes, it would be awkward for awhile, and sad...but all that really matters to me is that he is happy.  We get along so well, I just assumed that it wouldn't be an issue for our friendship to continue once we were in different homes.  I guess we are not on the same page in that respect, and it really makes me sad.   That is something I will never understand about divorce or break ups in general.  How do you go from spending years of your life with someone, and then one day just say "ok...we are done now.  Enjoy your life."  I can't do that.
I completely understand the need to draw that proverbial line in the sand, to establish boundaries, and to allow each person the time and space to heal.  However...I feel like you will always hold a piece of that person in your heart...especially if you have kids together.
Anyway, the realization that he doesn't seem to want to be a part of my life, or even for our paths to cross, once we are out of the house, made me feel very alone.  That is a feeling I need to figure out how to adjust to, as it has become pretty prevalent in my life lately.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I will inundate myself with positive quotes and books.  And I will try to remind myself that everything that gets said right now is most likely coming from a place of uncertainty and pain, so I can't let that affect my mood, or quite frankly, my well-being.
To say life keeps changing every day would be an understatement.  For now, I will just look for the little pieces of joy I can grasp onto, and cherish them.  But before that....sleep!  I need to stop procrastinating, and start writing these things before 11:30pm...because before I know it, it's 12:30, and that is WAY too late for me.
Enjoy your Friday!! ☺️

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Dogs and frogs

So, it's 10pm...and as far as I know, I am the only one still awake.  However, I keep hearing strange sounds. Perhaps Mark decided to go downstairs and entertain himself on his trombone for a bit, rather than going to bed? 🤔 Or maybe Sam is in his room playing his piano?  Or perhaps Rosie has taken up a new instrument without telling me about it.  There is a snoring chihuahua laying next to maybe he is just making weird noises in his sleep that sound like random instruments.  It wouldn't be the first time today that I misinterpreted what I was hearing.  My refrigerator has been particularly noisy when making ice lately, and when the ice drops into the bin, it is very loud, and scares the crap out of me.  (Usually because I am here alone, and the house is silent, prior to the crash)
Tonight I heard a loud noise, and asked Mark if he heard it too...and then said "damn that fridge!"
He started to laugh and said "actually, that was my butt."  Lovely. 🙄

I got my eyes checked today.  My glasses broke a couple weeks ago, so I have been wearing my "spare pair" that are hard to see out of.  I knew it was coming...but was not thrilled when he told me I could opt for bifocals if I wanted them.  I informed him that my eyesight is PERFECT without my glasses when reading close NO THANK YOU!!!  (Lol..side note.....the ice just fell and scared the crap out of me again) 🙄  He kept trying to convince me that I would want them eventually, because I would get sick of having to take my glasses off to read.  I have been wearing the damn things since third grade.  I am THRILLED to take the stupid things off and feel like a normal sighted person for a few minutes while I read or text or whatever.  Silly man.

I drove home from my appointment completely dilated and blind.  Isn't it weird how some eye drops sort of make you feel like your brain is coming out your eyeballs?  The weird pressure that drives me crazy.  It also gave me a big fat headache.  Perfect for an evening of piano and voice lessons.  Rosie has been in rare form this week, when it comes to lessons.  She is always silly, but she has been ridiculous.  Ever since she was a little puppy, she has loved to lay on her back, and put her back legs up on a chair or whatever is near her, so she can relax.  I guess she sees me with my feet on an ottoman all the time, and she figures she can do that too.  During lessons, she props them up on the piano leg, or the pedals, or my student's feet.  She also loves to lay under the bench, stretch out, and take up as much space possible, so there is nowhere to put your feet if you are playing.  She could care less if she is in the way.  She was attempting to help me teach the art of using the damper pedal tonight during one lesson.  I would look down to watch how my student was doing,  and there were two furry paws between the pedals.  Clearly, she was helping my student master her technique.

She also loves to bring her stuffed animals over and squeak along to the music.
Tonight, one of my voice students was working on the music for her school play about a frog.  We started singing, and the next thing we knew, Rosie had found her stuffed frog, and was squeaking away on it, tossing it around and chasing it, and holding it in her mouth while watching us.  She played with the darn thing for most of the lesson.  I have to admit....the frog thing baffled me. She is currently obsessed with her new stuffed pig.  She drags that thing everywhere.  So, the fact that we said the word "frog" a few times, and then started singing about it made me wonder....does this dog understand what we are saying?? Does she know which toy is a frog?? 🤔 I guess I do always identify the animal when she is playing with it.  You know..."is that your froggie, Rosie?"  She has never responded "yes mother. I'm not an idiot." However, I am starting to wonder if she is thinking it.  😳

As for my daily shit storm, I am trying to find ways to cope with/manage/work through the things that are stressing me out the most.  I was talking to Mark about it a little tonight.  He is equally stressed out.  I think we are both overwhelmed with the reality of what is ahead of us, as far as getting this house ready to sell.  Even more stressful is the "what do we do once it does sell?"  It is starting to feel like finding a safe and affordable place to live is getting harder and harder.  We both feel terrible that we will be subjecting our son to the reality of moving out of a beautiful home, where he has an awesome bedroom, with a perfect set up for his computer, keyboards, and recording equipment.  He has his own bathroom, and a nice family room to watch movies with his friends....into most likely some crappy apartment or fixer upper house.  It shouldn't matter....but it does.  That's not what you want for your kids.

I have also been trying really hard to come to terms with other issues that are just not moving in the direction I thought they would be going.  I think that is one of the harder things to accept....when you have no control over some aspects of your life.  When what you want and what you get are two different things.  Or when you really believed in something, and put your faith in it, but you aren't sure that you will ever see the end result you hoped for.  So, I am trying to let go of the things I can't control.  When it comes down to it...the only thing I am in control of is ME.  And I have found that I am enough trouble to deal I really don't need to add anyone else to my list!

I think I will stick with teaching my dog to identify her animals.   I will most likely have a better chance at success at that than with all of the other things I'm attempting to accomplish right now!  😜
I will keep you posted on her progress. 😉

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Just Press Pause

Have you ever felt like your life was spinning out of control?  Where you would give anything to have a remote control (for your life, of course) with a giant pause button, so you could just stop everything for a little while, and catch your breath?
I do.
For the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling queasy.  If I eat, if I don't eat...just all day long.  I finally realized that I am just filled with so much anxiety these days, that it is making me feel sick.  I find myself worrying more about things that typically wouldn't bother me.  I just feel nervous and on edge all the time...and I hate it.  I long for the day when I will feel peaceful and content again.  I fear that is a LONG way off.
I'm a girl who loves a plan.  I still use a paper calendar, because I like to be able to write down everything that is coming up, and be able to see the month spread out in front of me.  If I don't have a plan, I'm worthless.  I'm sure this is why I thrive on chaos, and struggle with having too much time on my hands, and having to set my own schedule.  (Clearly!  Just ask anyone who has seen the state of disarray in my house.) 😬
It is no wonder that I am a hot mess right now, because I have NO plan at the moment, as far as what my future holds.  I don't think there is anything quite as terrifying as that. (At least for me.). Not knowing things as basic as "where will I live?" is a bit unnerving.
And then there are the "this is what I THOUGHT was going to happen" and the reality of what is really happening....that's a lot of fun as well. 🙄 It is in those moments when I berate myself for ever allowing myself to be hopeful, or to depend on anyone other than myself when it came to life changing decisions.  No disappointments.  I promise that I am just living this way for the time being.  I love being hopeful.  I have just found that hoping while in an already fragile state is not always a good idea.  It's a good way to get the wind knocked out of you. :-/

Mark informed me that he would be retaining the divorce lawyer tomorrow...and also set a date for when we would like to have the house ready to put on the market.  To say that those things didn't stab me in the heart would be a lie.  I sat at the kitchen table, looking around at my pretty home, and thought  "Wow. How did I get here?"  Many of my friends are building their dream homes now.  They go on great trips, they are looking forward to vacation homes when they retire.  I'm wondering if I will ever have a "home" again.  Will I ever make a home with someone again?  Will I ever be happy again?  Isn't that what we all want?  To just feel content and happy.  It should be such a simple thing.  I suppose we make it complicated for ourselves.  This must be why I love dogs so much.  They keep it simple.  If we all treated our loved ones like they do, I think everyone would be much happier.
Simply show pure joy and excitement EVERYTIME they walked through the door.  Act like you always want to go along when they are leaving to run errands.  Snuggle up on the couch with them, and stare at them adoringly.  Done. Easy. They have it all figured out.

I guess it is time for me to start "figuring it out."  I'm not sure where to begin.  I suppose dealing with this house is item number one, since it will literally take me months to clear out, sort, and pack up the ridiculous amount of stuff in here.  Who knows, maybe "clearing" this space will prove therapeutic, and will result in clearing my mind of all of the emotional baggage I am currently lugging around.  It's hard to morph into a strong, independent single woman when you feel like a depressed, pathetic lump everyday.  So, that is where I will begin.  Project Beth: Get Your Shit Together.  I will let you know how this insanity progresses. 😉

Monday, April 3, 2017

Just Breathe

Happy Monday!  It will probably be Tuesday when most of you read Happy Tuesday as well!  Aside from the fact that I have been so tired most of the day, I can barely's been a good day.  I got all of my binders organized for Holy Week, so I can stop stressing about that craziness (until it gets here).  I had dinner with a wonderful friend, and I got APPLE PIE BARS at Fayze's!!  Oh....and I don't have cancer. ☺️

I wasn't going to even write about this....but I have to believe it happened for a reason, and am feeling compelled to get this "out there" since it was something I had never heard of.
For the past month or so, I have had this strange "itching" sensation in one breast.  At first, I assumed it was just my bra irritating me.  Then I realized that not EVERY bra I owned could be irritating me in the same place, and why was it still driving me nuts when I wasn't wearing one? 🤔
I would lay in bed at night, and that little voice in my head (there are several....this one is my voice of reason, I think) kept saying "I wonder if something is going on in there...because this just doesn't feel right."  It was an itch that no amount of scratching could was on the inside...and it was really annoying.
Fast forward to last Thursday.  So, I record all the TV I watch.  This is why I never know what's going on in the world, nor do I know what people are talking about when they say "did you see that commercial?"  I skip over all of that, and just watch the show.  That's a lie.  I play the show in the back ground, and look at Pinterest or Facebook on my iPad.  Anyway, in a very rare turn of events, I watched Grey's Anatomy on the night it aired.  (This NEVER happens)  I paid little attention to the show, but happened to catch the PSA at the end about inflammatory breast cancer.  (I had never heard of it.). Some symptoms were redness, swelling and rash.
That night I was changing for bed, and caught my reflection in the mirror.  I had a horrible rash covering the area that had been driving me crazy for the past month.  I started researching this type of cancer, and found out that itching was another symptom, and found a pictures to compare to, and one was identical to my rash.  This form of cancer is often misdiagnosed, is very rare, and fatal.  Of course, I was terrified.
I went in the next morning, and my nurse practitioner was equally concerned.  She wanted a biopsy done immediately.  However, the breast surgeon wanted to do a scan first, which I had today.
Luckily, it came back clear, and all is well.  My rash started clearing up also, and the itch that has been bothering me for weeks suddenly went away.  I have no explanation for it.  The doctor had no explanation for it either.  I had lots of people praying for me....and I like to think that amazing things happen when prayers and positive thoughts are put into action.
I was wondering tonight, why did all of this happen?  I mean, why did I hear about those symptoms, then find that rash, and learn about this form of cancer I had not been aware of...yet come out just fine?  I have no idea....except maybe that I was supposed to tell the story, in case someone else was experiencing the same thing, but didn't know what to look for.  My friend told me that her co-worker had inflammatory breast cancer, and died within six months.  It's not something to mess around with, and it doesn't present the "usual" symptoms.

So, there it is.  My Monday excitement.  I'm so thankful it all turned out for the best, and I don't need to add "try to stay alive" to my "to-do" list right now.  I mean, I WILL try to do that, but at least I won't have a disease attempting to make that a lot more difficult for me!
I just have to say, I have gone through many days where I have felt so very alone over the past several months.  Days when I just lay on the couch, and wonder if I will ever be able to fill that emptiness inside.  Over the past week, since writing about all of my current craziness, and also something as simple as asking for prayers and positive thoughts....I have felt more love and support than I can begin to describe.  I finally realize that if you need just have to ask.  (I'm a slooooow learner!)
So, thank you, to everyone who has reached out to me with your kind words, your prayers, well-wishes.....everything.  It means the world to me. ❤️

Friday, March 31, 2017

Plans & Peas

I'm trying to keep up with blogging daily.  Im finding that I wait until I'm laying in bed, in the dark, pondering whether there was anything that transpired during my day worth writing about.  In all life is pretty boring, if you eliminate all of the drama, right now.

I managed to get Rosie to the vet for "laser light therapy" on her incision today.  The girls who work there must wonder if I own a brush...or more than one outfit, because I always show up looking like I just rolled out of bed (I did) and I am always wearing the same sweatshirt.  I changed out of my Christmas pj pants, and put some jeans it could have been worse.  My hair is always a messy rats nest thrown in a pile on top of my head...and chap stick is the closet thing to make up on my face.  It's just not pretty.  But Rosie never complains. She just drools A LOT in the car, while she tries not to throw up, (she gets car sick) 😕 and pees on the floor when we get there because she sees other dogs and gets over-excited.  We both have our issues these days. 🙄

My biggest issue of late is a bout of endless headaches.  I think this attempt at spring is going to make my head explode.  I know many of my fellow headache sufferers have been experiencing the same misery.  JUST RAIN ALREADY!!!  And RAIN HARD!  Get it over with, and then warm up!  I think the grocery stores should just have a freezer full of bags of frozen peas at the store entrance when the barometric pressure is wreaking havoc with people's heads.  Peas, free for the taking, with a Velcro strap, to secure it to the back of your neck.  Is this too much to ask? 🤔

My headache, or the meds I had taken to try to rid myself of it must have messed with my cognitive function....because I got loopy during lessons today.  At one point, a student was telling me about some of his friends.  He said one of their names was Matthew.  I (very seriously) told him that I really liked that name, and that if I had ever had a son, I would have named him Matthew.  He looked at me like I was a complete moron (which clearly, I was at this moment) and said, " DO have a son, and you named him Sam."  It then occurred to me that yes, he was indeed correct...and I burst out laughing, because for those few moments, I apparently had no recollection of having children.  (As the experience of motherhood has obviously rendered me mentally incompetent.)

And so, as another week nears its end, I realize that I need to come up with a plan of action.  It is painfully clear that just hoping "this will be the week that......" isn't working.  I realize that I have been waiting for some things to happen....and for some things to be put into motion that I felt would motivate me to "move forward" with my life, and where I am at.  I'm figuring out that the only person I can rely on is myself.  That has been a harsh reality.  It's hard when you want to believe more than anything that you can trust in what other people tell you....but when their words and actions don't match, you have to face the truth.  Tomorrow is a new day....and Rosie and I are going to work on our "plan of action."  We girls need to stick together.  And if all else fails....we move on to plan B.
Ice Cream. 🍦

Wednesday, March 29, 2017


I woke up at 4am this morning.  Clearly, this was not gonna fly.  Let me rephrase this.  My persistent chihuahua woke me up at 4am this morning.  The little turd loves to guard the house from his post near the front door most of the night.  Then, he comes to my side of the bed, and does his little "I'm going to scratch incessantly on the side of the mattress until my mom wakes up and puts me in bed."
Getting him in bed is always an adventure in itself.  My bed is pretty high off the floor, so to reach a little dog, I have to throw half of my body off the bed, and hope I have my weight distributed equally.  It can be rather precarious, because once you add the weight of the dog to the mix, it throws the entire attempt at grace and balance right out the window. (And occasionally onto the floor.) 😳
Luckily, this has only occurred a couple times, and only once with a human witness.  The dogs don't seem to mind when I end up flailing on the floor.  Nor do they ever offer me any assistance.
Anyway...this began the day.  By the time I finally back asleep, the piercing sound of Mark's alarm clock (then snooze, then alarm, then snooze, then alarm.....) began.  This, of course, was followed by the assault of bright lights from the closet and bathroom, along with all of the noises to accompany a half asleep man trying to get ready for work.  Needless to say, I was wide awake. 🙄

I'm afraid my motivation to do anything productive is still eluding me.  So, I moved to the couch with Rosie, because she needed to recover from surgery, and I needed an excuse to be a pathetic bum.  We snuggled and shared a banana, and for a little while, all was right in the world.
Then, I decided I needed apple pie bars from Fayze's.  Not just needed....but might perish without them.  I think Sam (after being home this week on spring break, and witnessing what a disaster I have become) has come to the conclusion that I might need intervention, so he didn't flinch when I asked if he would drive to LaCrosse to get me my bars.  I called to make sure they had them.....and they did NOT.  After getting through that phone call without an embarrassing meltdown (don't think i wasn't on the verge) I pondered making some....for about two seconds. After realizing that I was not about to go through the work of getting ready, going to the grocery store, AND making the darn things, I thought I could send the kid out to buy an apple pie....but you know that it would be next to impossible to find one that didn't have canned apples in it.  I needed the REAL THING.  So, I had a raspberry toaster strudel, and tried really hard to not think about apples for the rest of the day.  😢🍎🍏

I had to play for confessions at church well as Stations of the Cross.  Poor Rosie did not want me to leave her, and kept hugging me at the door, trying to get me to stay.  If only I could use her as a legitimate reason to not show up at work.  But, apparently, the night could not proceed unless I was there to lead a bunch of antsy teenagers in the singing of "Jesus, remember me...when you come into your kingdom."  FIFTEEN TIMES.  Actually, 45 times, if you include the other two nights I have had to do it.  I'm pretty sure Jesus is going to remember ME. 😳  And I will be just fine if I never have to play that song again.  And I will now publicly confess that I am heartily sorry for having rolled my eyes 👀 after about refrain number 7 or 8....and every refrain after that.  I was feeling very angsty, and didn't have any junior mints along to calm me down.  And yes, I have the maturity level of a 14 year old.....sometimes.  But only when I have to do things I don't want to do. Like play the same song 15 times in a row.  🙄

In all honesty, today was an emotional roller coaster.  I will spare you the details, because it was depressing enough the first time around!  I'm so ready to hit reset, and start again tomorrow.  That is the beauty of a new day, don't you think?  It's always a chance to try again.  To be a little more compassionate.  To love a little deeper.  To reach out to someone who needs you.  To be the one who makes the lonely person feel loved, or be the friend to the one who gets overlooked.  It's amazing to me how the smallest gestures of kindness often have the biggest impact.  Maybe today is the day you will make a difference in someone's life. ❤️

Tuesday, March 28, 2017


Before I start, I just want to thank you for the outpouring of love and support I received after throwing yesterday's post out there for the world to see.  I'm still feeling incredibly anxious about making it public....and I'm sure I will continue to have second thoughts about doing so.  I have been very lucky so far, and have only been met by people who have been most gracious and caring.  I am sure that at some point, my good fortune will turn, and there will be people who will feel the need to take sides, or who will want to offer unsolicited advice that is potentially hurtful.  It is the nature of the beast.  I am prepared for it.  Our story is not simple, and there will always be those who enjoy a hot mess to sink their teeth into. 🤓 I am always good at providing a hot mess. 🙄
On to today.
I am currently freezing.  I'm debating whether to turn on the fireplace or hop in the tub.  I could turn the heat up, but that would be against my better judgement.  I like to keep the thermostat at a brisk 64 degrees in the winter.  That keeps the heating bill from getting too out of control. (Although I make up for it with all the gas I use for the damn fireplace. 🙄) I have chosen option number three: a blanket with a chihuahua heating pad.  It's a win win for both me and the dog. :)

This morning I had to take my sweet Rosie to the vet.  Most of you know who Rosie is by now....the new love of my beautiful golden-doodle. I laughed when I came back here to start writing again yesterday, because the cover photo that has been on my blog page for the past two years was one I found on Pinterest....of a golden doodle laying on a pillow.  I guess I had been dreaming of her way back then, because it looked exactly like Rosie.
It was past time to get my sweet girl spayed.  In fact, she wasn't going to be allowed to go to doggie daycare anymore until she had her "procedure."  I guess they frown upon dogs getting knocked up during playtime.  I suppose the paternity tests can get out of hand with that many options. 😳
She isn't a huge fan of riding in the car (seriously, I think she is my biological child.) so she started to cry on the way there.  I tried to reach back to her to comfort her, but she was too far away, so then I started to cry as well.  We were both a hot mess by the time we arrived.  Not to mention the fact that  we had to be there WAY before our normal "we are presentable to be seen in public" hour.  (We both still had bed head....sorry, but we girls don't get pretty before noon these days.)
In her regular Rosie style, she made the rounds, and gave everyone a hug once we got settled.  She even managed to sneak a kiss to the cute little pug we passed on the way in.  I think what I love most about her is how she always comes up to me, nose to nose, and looks into my eyes, so we can "talk" about things.  She does this when she is happy, or nervous, or excited, or sad.  Then we hug, and I usually get some kisses too.  I have never felt such a connection with a dog before....and she truly came into my life when I needed her the most. ❤️
So, now I anxious mama, to hear if her surgery went ok, and when I can pick her up.  The thought of anything bad happening to her scares me to death.  I think it would put me over the edge.

I worry a lot these days.  There are a lot more things to worry about now.  Sometimes, I feel like I am I can't move forward, because I don't even know where to begin.  Overwhelmed doesn't
even begin to cover it.  I never used to worry too much about things....always feeling confident that it would all just "work itself out."  It usually did....but I sure wish I had been smarter about planning for the future. I seemed to have this 50's mentality that I would always have a "husband to provide for
me" so now that I am facing it alone, it's terrifying.  Suddenly I will be moving from my lovely home into a van by the river (hopefully not....but I really don't have any idea where I will live) 😬  and trying to make up for having worked part time to be home with the kids.  OMG, why didn't I take the whole "you really need to save for retirement" more seriously?!!  And why didn't I pick a lucrative career?!
My friend Reese asked me what I did for a living a couple days ago.  (He is five.). I told him I teach piano lessons.  He shook his head, looked exasperated, and said "no, no, no....that is just TERRIBLE!  You really need to find a better job."  I almost fell off my chair laughing.  This was after he went through my wallet and counted up my cash.  $20.00.  A lot more than is usually in there.  He declared how much I had, and I said I was surprised and happy with that amount.  He shook his head again, gave me that "you really need to get your shit together, lady" look that only this kid can muster soooooo perfectly, and said "ummm, my mom and dad usually have a couple HUNDRED bucks."  CLEARLY, I need to spend more time with him, so he get help me get my act together!! 😂
As far as my lack of sufficient retirement funds, I figure, as long as I don't go blind, or lose any fingers, I can keep working at church until I'm 90, right? 🤔😉

By the way, this post has taken me about 12 hours to write, because I get a paragraph down, and have to go run somewhere, or teach a lesson, or whatever.  So, Rosie is now home.  Her surgery went well.
Wearing the giant cone on her head did not.  First, she was pissed, then so sad, then humiliated.
During the "sad" phase, I sat on the floor with her, my head inside her cone, petting her, and crying my eyes out, because she looked so miserable.  My poor little piano student walked in on me having my break-down....which then turned in the "humiliation" phase, as Rosie walked over to the corner by the door, pressed her cone against the wall, and just stood there, like a three year old refusing to come out of a time out and look at anyone.  I finally took the damn thing off her during lesson number two, when I just could stand it no longer.  Afterward, she proceeded to jump on my (white slip covered) couch and throw up all over it.  10 minutes later, she walked over to the brand new, cushy dog bed I bought her today, and threw up all over that.  She didn't want to miss anything, so she puked all over her old dog bed as well.  Luckily it was mostly water....but I'm ready for this day to end.
I can't wait to see what kind of excitement tomorrow holds. 😉

Monday, March 27, 2017

Starting Over

It's Monday.  Every Monday for the past 100 years I have promised myself I would start fresh.  THIS would be the Monday that I would jump out of bed early in the morning with renewed energy and excitement!  The Monday that I would start exercising again!  The Monday that I would clean the house from top to bottom!  The Monday that I would actually plan meals for the week AND go to the grocery store to buy the necessary ingredients too!!  It would be the Monday that I would do all of the "normal" things that "normal" people do every Monday.  I have finally come to the realization that I do not fit the description of "normal."  It is not something I am proud to admit.  I mean, clearly, I don't want to be "normal" as in "boring"....but I would enjoy being able to function like a regular human being most days.  Since this blog is where I tend to "come clean" and bare my soul, I will just tell it like it is.  My "normal" for a long time now has been "can I get from my bed to the couch, and maybe accomplish something before noon....or am I just too exhausted to even face the day?"  If  I have to be somewhere, I will make it happen, but usually with great effort.  I grew up with the mentality (and the constant harping of my parents!) that if you weren't doing anything, you were lazy.  So, of course, when I get into these horrible ruts, I feel like a big, worthless, lazy bum.  If only that were the case.  I'm pretty sure that if it were laziness I was dealing with, I would be able to shake it off, and move forward.  I think back to when I was working seven days a week, teaching at school full time, lessons at night, doing shows, holding down a church job, plus playing for every gig that came along....and that was when my kids were little!  Clearly, I am capable of working like a crazy person....I did it for years.  It's funny how life will give you a reality check when you don't see it coming.  And that is where I am now.
    So, here I am, on a Monday.  And it's a good day to start blogging again.  It has been a couple years since I have been here....and I always found this place to be quite therapeutic for me.  And so, I start again.  And I am also beginning a new chapter of life. It is definitely not where I expected to be at this point in my life.  My beautiful daughter is almost through her first year in college, and is thriving.  I couldn't be happier for her.  She is singing and performing, and doing what she loves.  My son is looking at colleges, as he finishes up his junior year of high school.  Also a wonderful musician, he plans to pursue his passion as well.  The nest will be empty very soon, and as much as we had looked forward to this time in our lives, our visions changed.  It's funny how things become clear as you age.  You really start to understand who you are, and what you want.  I have also become painfully aware of how short life is....and fully believe that to be truly happy and follow your heart is the only way to really live your life.  I have lost four dear friends over the past few months, as well as my grandmother.  I have also had a friend lose a sister, and another lose her daughter.  The invincibility we feel when we are young fades as the reality of life sets in.  I have always tried to do what was "right" or what was expected of me.  I tried to make the responsible decision, or choose the "safe"path. I would live my life for my kids and my family, and push my needs aside.  It's crazy how fast you can lose your own identity that way.  So, here I am, 45 years old, not a whole lot to show for myself except two pretty fantastic kids, two really cute dogs, and 21 years of marriage to a wonderful man.  A man who is an amazing dad, a hard worker, my dear friend, probably the kindest, most caring person I know, and the guy I will soon call my ex-husband.  Crazy, right?  I feel very lucky that I could potentially have the most amicable divorce in the history of the world, and that I feel nothing but love and wish nothing but the very best for Mark.  We just finally admitted that we are two completely different people, and that we want very different things in life.  He loves a low-key, quiet existence....I need the opposite.  Country Mouse/City Mouse.  It's great for a visit....but someone will eventually go crazy. (Me.) 😬  I suppose we are fortunate that our kids are almost grown, and both are smart, kind, well adjusted young adults with good heads on their shoulders.  It would be much more difficult if they were still little.  Some days are harder than others.  We have both gone through our own stages of grief, and I know there are many to come.  I consider it a very good day if I make it to bed at night without having cried at all.  For awhile, it was a miracle if I made it until noon without a full on melt down.  Thank God for dogs that love to snuggle their mama.  I don't know how Mark has been able to go to work every day, and put on his "game face".  I have at least had the luxury of the privacy of my home to do most of my melting down in.  My car has seen its fair share of it as well.  We have been working through the emotional turmoil for several months now....but will soon be embarking on the logistical nightmare that is divorce.  Luckily, we have no ill-will toward one another, nor do we have anything to fight over (he gets the comfy bed, I get the piano....the rest is just  "stuff.")  Tonight, he was carrying boxes downstairs, and I asked what he was up to.  He said he was starting to "pack up the CD's."  Cue the giant knot in my stomach.  This shit just got real. Tears began to fall, as they so easily do now.  It's unbelievable how easily I cry these days.  I used to have the most amazing ability to put up the proverbial "wall" when it came to my emotions.  I could watch kids sob at the funerals I would play for, and not bat an eye.  I was able to turn off that switch that connected my emotions to my tear ducts like nobody's business.  Now, if a stranger is kind to me at the grocery store, I start bawling.  Or if someone actually asks "are you ok?" And seems genuinely concerned....forget it.  I'm a sobbing mess for the next 10 minutes.  I actually asked my doctor for a Prozac prescription just to "numb me up" a bit.  She didn't go for it.  Don't worry....I will try again. 😜
So, there it is.  My big secret is out. At least now you will know why I am crying over the cantaloupe in the grocery store.  I am hoping that writing will prove to be good therapy as we fumble through this crazy time.  I'm so thankful for the support and love we have received from family and friends.  It's important to us that everyone knows that we are still, and will always be close friends, and we don't want anyone to feel awkward around us.  It is obviously very sad, and a difficult time, but there is no animosity between us.  All that matters to us is our kids, and their health and happiness.  And if you do run into me at the grocery store (or anywhere else) I could really use a big hug.   I'm sure Mark could as well. ❤️