Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Just Press Pause

Have you ever felt like your life was spinning out of control?  Where you would give anything to have a remote control (for your life, of course) with a giant pause button, so you could just stop everything for a little while, and catch your breath?
I do.
For the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling queasy.  If I eat, if I don't eat...just all day long.  I finally realized that I am just filled with so much anxiety these days, that it is making me feel sick.  I find myself worrying more about things that typically wouldn't bother me.  I just feel nervous and on edge all the time...and I hate it.  I long for the day when I will feel peaceful and content again.  I fear that is a LONG way off.
I'm a girl who loves a plan.  I still use a paper calendar, because I like to be able to write down everything that is coming up, and be able to see the month spread out in front of me.  If I don't have a plan, I'm worthless.  I'm sure this is why I thrive on chaos, and struggle with having too much time on my hands, and having to set my own schedule.  (Clearly!  Just ask anyone who has seen the state of disarray in my house.) 😬
It is no wonder that I am a hot mess right now, because I have NO plan at the moment, as far as what my future holds.  I don't think there is anything quite as terrifying as that. (At least for me.). Not knowing things as basic as "where will I live?" is a bit unnerving.
And then there are the "this is what I THOUGHT was going to happen" and the reality of what is really happening....that's a lot of fun as well. 🙄 It is in those moments when I berate myself for ever allowing myself to be hopeful, or to depend on anyone other than myself when it came to life changing decisions.  No expectations....no disappointments.  I promise that I am just living this way for the time being.  I love being hopeful.  I have just found that hoping while in an already fragile state is not always a good idea.  It's a good way to get the wind knocked out of you. :-/

Mark informed me that he would be retaining the divorce lawyer tomorrow...and also set a date for when we would like to have the house ready to put on the market.  To say that those things didn't stab me in the heart would be a lie.  I sat at the kitchen table, looking around at my pretty home, and thought  "Wow. How did I get here?"  Many of my friends are building their dream homes now.  They go on great trips, they are looking forward to vacation homes when they retire.  I'm wondering if I will ever have a "home" again.  Will I ever make a home with someone again?  Will I ever be happy again?  Isn't that what we all want?  To just feel content and happy.  It should be such a simple thing.  I suppose we make it complicated for ourselves.  This must be why I love dogs so much.  They keep it simple.  If we all treated our loved ones like they do, I think everyone would be much happier.
Simply show pure joy and excitement EVERYTIME they walked through the door.  Act like you always want to go along when they are leaving to run errands.  Snuggle up on the couch with them, and stare at them adoringly.  Done. Easy. They have it all figured out.

I guess it is time for me to start "figuring it out."  I'm not sure where to begin.  I suppose dealing with this house is item number one, since it will literally take me months to clear out, sort, and pack up the ridiculous amount of stuff in here.  Who knows, maybe "clearing" this space will prove therapeutic, and will result in clearing my mind of all of the emotional baggage I am currently lugging around.  It's hard to morph into a strong, independent single woman when you feel like a depressed, pathetic lump everyday.  So, that is where I will begin.  Project Beth: Get Your Shit Together.  I will let you know how this insanity progresses. 😉

4 comments:

  1. Hang in there—it will take time and tears and hard work, but you will get back to your happy place. There are lots of prayers and good thoughts being sent your way :) And don't worry about "morphing"—you are already a strong, courageous, intelligent, and talented woman even if right now that's not how you feel. The independent and single part will come in its time. It's ok to not believe in yourself so much right now...that's what your friends and family are for, to believe in you until you can feel it again for yourself. <3

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    1. ❤️❤️❤️ Your words always mean so much to me, Jeanna. Thank you!!!

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  2. I don't want to come off as the person who says that they have the perfect solution or that you should do this or that and things will be great. No one knows but you where you are and it takes each one of us individually to come to the next step and then take it. I also know that as you said the other day, things don't happen in a vacuum. The breast stuff, someone WILL see it and it will make a difference. With that in mind...my sisters and I do a book club and the book right now is interesting. It may just be a part of the next step for you. I'm usually the least tolerant of these types of books but her methods, her own history, and the fact that medical science has almost completely ignored what women go through on a hormonal level, leads me to at least consider it. The Hormone Cure ...Sara Gottfreid, MD Until then, know you're not alone, you're loved, and this is your journey. Thanks for being in mine.

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  3. I'm so glad you are a part of my journey, Laurie!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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