Thursday, April 20, 2017

Reboot

Today was a shit storm.  I woke up with really good intentions.  I even hopped in the tub before 9am (this NEVER happens, unless it's Sunday, and I have to be at church by 7:30....and let's be real.....7:45.  Sometimes 7:50.  A couple weeks ago, 7:58.  (Church starts at 8.). I admit, that might have been pushing it a little too close.  Father Parr (who NEVER gets mad) said, somewhat sternly, "Beth! You are making me very nervous...I thought you had forgotten about us!"  I winked at him, and assured him I would NEVER forget about him, and then sprinted to the piano, as my choir members gave me the "stink eye." 😜 Wow, it's so easy to go off on a tangent. Anyway....today.

I honestly don't even know how it started, but I suddenly found myself getting all defensive and upset with the last person on earth I want to fight with.  Texts were misinterpreted, I flew off the handle, then I had a mini-meltdown.  Just a typical morning around here. 🙄  Thankfully, we were able to talk it all out, as we always do, and everything was ok again.
Then, I went to the computer to pay some bills.  I tried typing in my user name, and it kept telling me that my name wasn't in their records.  I sent Mark a scathing text, asking him if he had changed the user name/password, because I couldn't log in and pay our %#,€,!.*!{ bills.  As he was replying with a definite "NO I DID NOT!!!" I realized that they had changed the website a bit, and rather than typing my info in the correct box (where it typically just defaults to) I was typing it in the search box. Oopsies.  Sorry Mark.  You just suffered from the aftermath of my morning meltdown. 😬

I had an appointment with my headache specialist today.  It really was more of a therapy session.  I love her.  She went through a rather similar situation, and is easy to talk to.  She asked me about my stress and anxiety and how that affected my headaches. Was it a result of the meds I am on....or my life? I assured her my life was to blame for everything, and she needed to drug me, and drug me WELL.  This is where she was SUPPOSED to write a big fat prescription for Prozac, and send me on my way.  Yeah, they never do what I want them to. 🙄  She just upped the dosage of one thing, and lowered the dosage of another.  I should "know in 2-3 weeks if it's helping."  Maybe I will just send her a note that says "SOS!!!! SEND PROZAC!!!!" 🤔

I came home and actually made dinner. (This is right up there with "took a bath before 9am") Clearly, I was an overachiever today.  I told Mark I wanted to discuss pushing back the idea of selling our house until next summer, after Sam graduates. (And I have a year to save money, get my shit together, and clean out this place, which is starting to resemble an episode of hoarders.)  I have been stressing out pretty hard about where I will live if we sell this place.  I have three strikes against me: very limited income, two dogs (that are literally the only things keeping me sane right now) and I teach voice and piano out of my home....so how do I find a place that can accommodate all of that?
Mark has a nice safety net, as his parents are there, and able to help as needed, as well as his siblings. The closest thing I have to a "net" is a bad hair net I had from working in some kitchen somewhere.
There ain't nothin' "safe" about that!!  Anyway, the talk didn't go as well as I had hoped, and melt down #2 followed.  Luckily, I have great friends, who happen to enjoy happy hour, and within 15 minutes of posting my woes on FB, I had a text informing me where I needed to go for a nice, big margarita, and girl talk.  It was just what I needed.

I came home, and had a nice talk with my son.  I haven't had a chance to really sit down with him alone to talk about how he is feeling.  I wanted to know what he wants, if he wants to stay here until he is done with high school, or if he doesn't care.  I asked him how he was feeling about everything.  I really lucked out, and ended up with two really great kids.

At that point, I realized that I need to just turn everything around.  I have been in this negative place for months now.  I try to pull myself out, but then my mind starts spinning, and all the crappy thoughts flood back in, and I am a ball of anxiety and sadness again.  I am the queen of quotes on Pinterest.  I must have had 300 of them saved in my photos on my phone.  You can really tell the kind of day I was having by looking through the quotes.  They used to be happy or funny...but over the past four months, they have become so sad and depressing.  I looked through them all tonight, and it was like reading through all of things I was feeling, or wanted to say, but was too afraid to.  Ironically, reading them makes me feel worse rather than better.  So, I started deleting them.  If it wasn't something positive or funny, I got rid of it.  My mind can conjure up enough dire crap all on its own.  I certainly don't need Pinterest to remind me that my life is currently a disaster.  And so, it is time to change my thinking.  To change my whole perspective.

I have been so worried about all of the "unknowns" that lie ahead of me.  "Where will I live" is probably one of the biggest sources of stress.  My two bff's said to me today that I need to trust that everything will work out.  I have not been allowing myself to be very hopeful, because I'm so afraid of being let down.  I made the mistake of trusting that things were going to work out the way I wanted them to.  I believed one thing, and got the opposite.  Once you get burned, it's hard to walk toward the fire again.  However, I truly believe that I have come to a crossroad.  I am not going to delude myself into believing there won't be set backs, or bad days ahead.  I do believe that if I am ever going to move forward, and feel GOOD again, I have to let myself trust, and believe and dream. I have to stop blocking the doorway and allow new light and energy to enter into my life.  I have to trust that everything WILL be ok, and that I deserve to be ok.

I have been stuck in this state of thinking that all the misery coming at me was some sort of punishment or bad karma for all the mistakes I have made in my life.  I convinced myself that I deserved every bad thing that was happening to me, and that believing I was worthy of happiness and a good life would only bring more pain and sadness my way.  I felt selfish wishing....hoping for my life to turn around and just be GOOD again.  Well, I'm getting over that.  I realized tonight after my not-very-productive conversation, that I have to stick up for myself.  I am my only advocate.  I don't have parents to fall back on.  My sisters are up to their necks in their busy lives.  For a long time, I have questioned my identity....my worth.  It was like I wasn't important because I didn't have an impressively job or title.  I didn't have a "normal" work schedule, so I was obviously not contributing much to the household.  (Even though I taught four nights a week, and work every weekend.)  I'm done feeling guilty about that.  It's time to set goals for myself.....some very small, some that might take a miracle to accomplish.....but at least I will have a plan of sorts in place.  I'm also going to try to stay away from anything that pulls me back into the black hole.  I am hoping if I keep flooding my mind with positive, inspirational material, it will eventually override all of the "stinking thinking."

I need to add a thank you, to all of you who have sent messages and texts.  I can't begin to tell you how amazing the love and support both Mark and I have received has been.  On the days when I feel so down and alone, I just read through those messages, and my heart swells over the thoughtfulness
 and compassion of friends, old and new.  I hope that someday I am able to repay your kindness. ❤️

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