Before I begin, I must disclose that there is a kitten currently throwing himself all over my computer keyboard in an attempt to get my undivided attention. God only knows what will now transpire.
Onward.
There were a lot of things I didn't know before the internet. Or maybe, I knew them, but didn't have the terminology for them. I always knew I felt things deeply, but as I got older, I began to realize just HOW deeply. It was beyond the normal realm of just "feeling". It was like I would actually absorb the moods and the emotions of the people around me. And the intensity of my compassion for animals did not necessarily mesh well with the realities of growing up on a farm. I had to endure way too many cats getting hit by cars, or injured by farm equipment than I could handle. Our dogs lived outside most of the time, and I wanted them wrapped up in blankets and wearing sweaters in the winter. Most of the people around me saw these creatures as just "animals," but to me, they were my lifeline. My babies. My best friends. And to lose them was to have my heart broken.
I started reading up on astrology, and learning more about my "sign" when I was in college, and soon came to realize that I am a Pisces, through and through. There is the "artsy and creative" part....but even more so, the moody, emotional, indecisive,"would rather exist in a dream than in reality" side. And in my exploration of "who the heck am I" I finally discovered the term I needed to add to my vocabulary: empath. And things began to make sense. This is why I can't spend too much time around negative people, because I start getting pulled into that darkness. This is why I feel devastated when something bad happens, even to someone I don't know, or elated at someone else's joy. But taking on the feelings of others is not all there is to it. It also involves feeling "too much." I often find myself in an "all or nothing" state of mind. And I'm not sure if I'm capable of feeling complete ease or contentment, because there is always an underlying sense of worry. This is also something that has increased with age, and with each difficult experience I go through. I find it impossible to just "let go" and relax. I was sitting with a friend a week or two ago, and I thought I felt relaxed and was acting "normal." He looked over at me and said "okay....you need to breathe in and count to four....you are a mess!" 😬 I wonder what I look like when I'm actually feeling stressed.
I have also realized over the years that I have a overwhelming desire for a "Better Homes and Garden Life" which, of course, morphed into a "Pinterest" life. I have a gazillion boards for all of my future homes (and all of the scenarios I might find myself in....."Empty Nest Planning," "A Place Just for Me," "Love Nest," "My Next Chapter"....on and on.) There is also a board titled "Birthday Cakes." My 5 year old niece Pearl, whom I share a birthday with, spent several hours pursuing the site last weekend, and pinned approximately 127 cakes that we will be baking for our birthday. It started out with chocolate cakes from heaven, and ended up with rainbow colored Disney princess nightmares. She would watch the "how to" video, decide if it was an acceptable recipe, and if so, would declare "We are DOING IT!!" and would pin it. Now, every time I go on Pinterest, my feed is filled with Disney princess cakes and cupcakes. Yay me!
Where the hell was I going with this? Ah, yes, my perfectly perfect life. That is what I crave. A magazine existence. Only I'm too lazy and tired to actually make that happen. So I end up feeling inadequate, and then I get overwhelmed, and wonder where I went wrong, and my house gets cluttered, and looks like an episode of Hoarders rather than Country Home, and I just end up taking a 3 hour bubble bath, or going back to bed, because really, are there any other options?!
The ironic thing is that once I actually start getting organized and getting the place cleaned up and lovely, I am SO HAPPY! And I feel so much more content and energized. But it is finding the energy and the motivation to get there (and stay there) that is always the problem.
My sister is the energizer bunny. And I'm not kidding. She once told me "if the sun is out, I feel guilty sitting down." Other words of craziness uttered from her lips "I'm pretty obsessive about sticking to my exercise routine." Here is my question: How are we genetically connected, and I got NONE OF THAT??!! It just doesn't seem right. And it has ALWAYS been this way. We used to share a bedroom, and I would stay up half the night reading, and never want to get up in the morning, while she would be up and raring to go at the crack of dawn. She is up at 5am so she can work out before teaching all day, and then she teaches dance at night. I often struggle to get to the 11:00 class I play for on time. A morning person I am NOT. Actually, a DAY person I am not.
Back to my empath issues. (Welcome to my current state of mind. We shall call it chaos and confusion.) Many of you know that I have had some issues with mice lately. This is new territory for me. I am not a fan of rodents. I distinctly recall the few times in my life when I have dealt with them. All of them involved me jumping onto high pieces of furniture, and screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. And feeling certain that I would never walk on the floor again.
I'm not even sure how I noticed I had visitors in my house....I must have noticed the mouse poop. There is nothing quite as heartwarming as finding piles of mouse shit all over your kitchen....and realizing that you should really pay closer attention, because they have probably been dining on your dog food for several weeks now. These little bastards had even been up on my counters. Now that is just disgusting. So, I called my ex-husband, and being the great guy he is, he came over with some traps and set them for me. I caught one that night....and he came back over to empty it. Then I started catching them like crazy, and I realized I could not rely on a man to empty my traps anymore. ,I am now up to 16 (or is it 17?) mice....two of which were still alive when I found them in the traps....and I have yet to scream even once. Instead, I have conversations with them....and I feel sorry for them. Because I am now THAT person. The one who starts questioning why mice are bad and spread disease. Why can't they just be nice little animals that live under the cupboards and eat the peanut butter we put out for them? When they aren't running and scaring the crap out of you, they really are cute little things....and the little baby ones I have been catching, well, Ms Empath is feeling pretty awful about snapping their little necks. And this is another instance where my "condition" may not serve me well. It didn't take me long to go from "I'm going to take down these little monsters!!" to "I'm so sorry for killing you, cute little mousie!"
So this is another item on my list of "things to figure out." Getting rid of the mice, clearly, but more importantly, setting healthy boundaries for myself and my feelings/emotions/insanity (because it has started to feel like insanity.) Being ok with things not being perfect, and figuring out how to just let go of the need to control everything in my life, and allow myself to feel happy and content....just because.
I think we are always looking ahead to the next big thing. The next special event, or occasion to look forward to. We are always waiting for something exciting to happen, or feel like we can only celebrate significant occasions. I know that is how I feel. I don't take the time or remember to look at each day as being something special. I feel like I always need to have something to look forward to, and when I don't, I feel sad or like I'm missing out on something. I think its just a shift in mindset that needs to happen. When I think about the people I know who always seem happy and joyful, they are the ones who just enjoy life everyday. They celebrate the little things, and are grateful for each day they have. It is much too easy to get wrapped up in all the crap life throws at us. I know that is where I'm at right now. I'm still lingering in the "how is this really my life now?" frustration. My goal for this year is to pull out of that, and be happy with what I have (even though my cats are destroying half of what I have as I type) and figure out how to create a life that I look forward to waking up to every day.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Begin Again
It's here...2019. I figured this was an opportune time to get this blog back up and running again. And, because I am a procrastinator, I am doing so on January 2nd, because I needed a day to adjust to the new year. And to lay around the house and do nothing. This is what I do best!
I feel like I should perhaps recap my year, as it has been a long while since I have posted anything. So here we go! By the way, I should maybe warn you that until I actually "Find My Bliss," this blog is going to be temporarily called "Telling It Like It Is." (As if it wasn't always...lol)
2018 was a complete and utter shit show. I though 2017 was a struggle! I had no idea that I was about to really get my ass kicked in 2018. But I did. And I really didn't enjoy it very much.
So, now I am living in an apartment alone with two dogs and two cats (because I find animals are a much better option than men) and am officially divorced. That glorious event took place on Friday the 13th of July. And no....not so glorious. It was sad...and I often question my decision, but that happens in moments of loneliness and worry. I know that I needed to make a change to feel content. Now I'm waiting for that feeling of contentment to happen.
Actually, I'm waiting for a feeling of ANYTHING to happen. I have been pretty much in a state of numbness for the past two years. I keep thinking that one day I will just wake up, and I will magically feel better, but I guess that isn't the way it works. I should also mention that while my divorce was a sad occurrence, Mark and I are great. We are very good friends, and we actually still hang out and talk regularly. It is a very healthy relationship, and there is no animosity between us. So no, I'm not trying to come to terms with my feelings about the divorce. I don't feel like I have lost him, because he will always be a close friend, and a part of my life.
I have struggled horribly with another relationship that has brought me great joy, and great pain...and it is what has made this transition so difficult. I have been in limbo for so long, and I feel like it has just sucked the life out of me. And that is all I need to say about THAT fricking disaster!
So, moving into the new year, I am trying to figure out how to get my mojo back. Being a single gal is NOT a fun or exciting thing to be at age 27. 😉 (or 46) It really has made me realize some things about myself, however. I'm sure you are dying to know what those things are....so here we go. (and yes, this is a very random list that really makes no sense. Welcome to my current world.)
1. I can handle any rodent that dares enter my domain. Thus far, I have battled three birds, two bats, and 15 mice. Guess who won every damn time. Oh yeah. I am woman....hear me roar.
2. I suck at being assertive and asking for help....but I can do it if I really need to. (And this is one of my goals for the year.....to add a little more "friendly bitch" to my persona....as well as the word "no". and maybe even "hell no!"
3. I love being alone, and I hate being alone. Being a person who suffers from depression....living alone is a blessing and a curse. Knowing I can sit here and not have to deal with anyone, and just snuggle with animals all day is awesome. However, it's also really bad, because (especially in the winter) I seriously never want to leave my house. Like seriously EVER. I would live on frozen waffles and crackers if it meant never having to leave my house.
When I see pics of happy couples on FB or Instagram, I get sad....because I want that again. Even when I was married, I felt like I was always out alone, because we never did anything together...so I am jealous of the couples who are always out having fun, and happy together.
To cope, I get more animals...because that should help. 🙄
4. I need to date a gay man. Who loves to cook. And keep a really tidy house...that is beautifully decorated. And who loves lots of animals. And naps.
5. I loathe the word "whore." I read it in a friend's post the other day (a post about Donald and his women) and I saw red. Not because i disagreed with what he was writing...but because woman are classified as whores or sluts....what about Donald and all the other men in the world? Why isn't there an awful word to describe them? Aren't they involved in this activity as well??? Aren't they typically the ones who INSTIGATE it?? or who are out looking for it?? I mean seriously!! Its even in the fucking bible!!! And this is a book written in a time when men had like 500 wives! Yet they are referring to the women as whores??? WTF??!! Seriously. I just can't even. This is my new beauty pageant platform. I'm going to run for Ms. "I am old and look like shit, and am going to f-ing beat the crap out of the next person that refers to any woman as a whore!!"
I feel better now.
6. I really do look like shit. This year has been rough on me, And I cut my hair, WHY WHY WHY?! I was smokin' two years ago! 20 lbs lighter, great hair, tan, happy!! I blame men (well, one specifically) 100%.
7. Motivation. I have ZERO. Today was my day to overhaul this house. I had two days last week that were also days to overhaul this house. It's now 3:30...getting dark....I haven't even eaten yet, much less started cleaning. (I DID bathe...you are welcome.) I really need to turn this around. I would happily curl up with all four animals and sleep my life away.
8. I watch the ID channel. Exclusively. How is that for happy and uplifting? I'm sure watching stories of true crime is exactly what I need to pull my out of my funk. 🙃
9. I am 100% aware of all the things I SHOULD be doing to make things better in my life. Eat better (or at all!) exercise, get outside, socialize, find fun activities I enjoy doing, take up a new hobby, on and on.....I AM the self-help guru. But sometimes, you just get so deep into that place that it's really hard to pull yourself out of it.
I'm taking baby steps, and working to rid myself of the crap that is holding me back. It really is pretty crazy how things that happen in your life can really mess you up. You start to actually believe you aren't good enough, or that you aren't worthy of love. And you put up that wall...your defense mechanism, and you make sure no one else can get in...because you refuse to get hurt again. You would rather be alone than risk more heartache. Or you hold onto hope that something you know is hopeless might somehow turn around and magically work out the way your imagined it would...even though you know that it never will.
The mind is a powerful thing, and it seems to be so much easier to latch on to the hurtful, negative things, than it is to believe and hope that there can be better things ahead.
I know several people who have been walking this same frustrating journey with me. Several have come out on the other side with a very happy ending. I'm really hoping that I find mine someday. I would be happy to just have a day that I felt joy and didn't cry. My sweet little kittens have been helping with that. If only they could take all the bad stuff that still lingers away. Animals are the best therapy though....at least they always have been for me.
Here's to a new year, and new beginnings. And to hope. ❤️
I feel like I should perhaps recap my year, as it has been a long while since I have posted anything. So here we go! By the way, I should maybe warn you that until I actually "Find My Bliss," this blog is going to be temporarily called "Telling It Like It Is." (As if it wasn't always...lol)
2018 was a complete and utter shit show. I though 2017 was a struggle! I had no idea that I was about to really get my ass kicked in 2018. But I did. And I really didn't enjoy it very much.
So, now I am living in an apartment alone with two dogs and two cats (because I find animals are a much better option than men) and am officially divorced. That glorious event took place on Friday the 13th of July. And no....not so glorious. It was sad...and I often question my decision, but that happens in moments of loneliness and worry. I know that I needed to make a change to feel content. Now I'm waiting for that feeling of contentment to happen.
Actually, I'm waiting for a feeling of ANYTHING to happen. I have been pretty much in a state of numbness for the past two years. I keep thinking that one day I will just wake up, and I will magically feel better, but I guess that isn't the way it works. I should also mention that while my divorce was a sad occurrence, Mark and I are great. We are very good friends, and we actually still hang out and talk regularly. It is a very healthy relationship, and there is no animosity between us. So no, I'm not trying to come to terms with my feelings about the divorce. I don't feel like I have lost him, because he will always be a close friend, and a part of my life.
I have struggled horribly with another relationship that has brought me great joy, and great pain...and it is what has made this transition so difficult. I have been in limbo for so long, and I feel like it has just sucked the life out of me. And that is all I need to say about THAT fricking disaster!
So, moving into the new year, I am trying to figure out how to get my mojo back. Being a single gal is NOT a fun or exciting thing to be at age 27. 😉 (or 46) It really has made me realize some things about myself, however. I'm sure you are dying to know what those things are....so here we go. (and yes, this is a very random list that really makes no sense. Welcome to my current world.)
1. I can handle any rodent that dares enter my domain. Thus far, I have battled three birds, two bats, and 15 mice. Guess who won every damn time. Oh yeah. I am woman....hear me roar.
2. I suck at being assertive and asking for help....but I can do it if I really need to. (And this is one of my goals for the year.....to add a little more "friendly bitch" to my persona....as well as the word "no". and maybe even "hell no!"
3. I love being alone, and I hate being alone. Being a person who suffers from depression....living alone is a blessing and a curse. Knowing I can sit here and not have to deal with anyone, and just snuggle with animals all day is awesome. However, it's also really bad, because (especially in the winter) I seriously never want to leave my house. Like seriously EVER. I would live on frozen waffles and crackers if it meant never having to leave my house.
When I see pics of happy couples on FB or Instagram, I get sad....because I want that again. Even when I was married, I felt like I was always out alone, because we never did anything together...so I am jealous of the couples who are always out having fun, and happy together.
To cope, I get more animals...because that should help. 🙄
4. I need to date a gay man. Who loves to cook. And keep a really tidy house...that is beautifully decorated. And who loves lots of animals. And naps.
5. I loathe the word "whore." I read it in a friend's post the other day (a post about Donald and his women) and I saw red. Not because i disagreed with what he was writing...but because woman are classified as whores or sluts....what about Donald and all the other men in the world? Why isn't there an awful word to describe them? Aren't they involved in this activity as well??? Aren't they typically the ones who INSTIGATE it?? or who are out looking for it?? I mean seriously!! Its even in the fucking bible!!! And this is a book written in a time when men had like 500 wives! Yet they are referring to the women as whores??? WTF??!! Seriously. I just can't even. This is my new beauty pageant platform. I'm going to run for Ms. "I am old and look like shit, and am going to f-ing beat the crap out of the next person that refers to any woman as a whore!!"
I feel better now.
6. I really do look like shit. This year has been rough on me, And I cut my hair, WHY WHY WHY?! I was smokin' two years ago! 20 lbs lighter, great hair, tan, happy!! I blame men (well, one specifically) 100%.
7. Motivation. I have ZERO. Today was my day to overhaul this house. I had two days last week that were also days to overhaul this house. It's now 3:30...getting dark....I haven't even eaten yet, much less started cleaning. (I DID bathe...you are welcome.) I really need to turn this around. I would happily curl up with all four animals and sleep my life away.
8. I watch the ID channel. Exclusively. How is that for happy and uplifting? I'm sure watching stories of true crime is exactly what I need to pull my out of my funk. 🙃
9. I am 100% aware of all the things I SHOULD be doing to make things better in my life. Eat better (or at all!) exercise, get outside, socialize, find fun activities I enjoy doing, take up a new hobby, on and on.....I AM the self-help guru. But sometimes, you just get so deep into that place that it's really hard to pull yourself out of it.
I'm taking baby steps, and working to rid myself of the crap that is holding me back. It really is pretty crazy how things that happen in your life can really mess you up. You start to actually believe you aren't good enough, or that you aren't worthy of love. And you put up that wall...your defense mechanism, and you make sure no one else can get in...because you refuse to get hurt again. You would rather be alone than risk more heartache. Or you hold onto hope that something you know is hopeless might somehow turn around and magically work out the way your imagined it would...even though you know that it never will.
The mind is a powerful thing, and it seems to be so much easier to latch on to the hurtful, negative things, than it is to believe and hope that there can be better things ahead.
I know several people who have been walking this same frustrating journey with me. Several have come out on the other side with a very happy ending. I'm really hoping that I find mine someday. I would be happy to just have a day that I felt joy and didn't cry. My sweet little kittens have been helping with that. If only they could take all the bad stuff that still lingers away. Animals are the best therapy though....at least they always have been for me.
Here's to a new year, and new beginnings. And to hope. ❤️
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