It's been a minute! Something drew me to an old blog post this afternoon....and I started reading all about my life and the chaos that was going on in it 3+ years ago. Isn't it funny how just revisiting those old memories will take you right back there? I can honestly say I am in a MUCH better place now....but it sure took a long time, and a lot of heartache to get here. Surviving the aftermath of a divorce is something that I would never wish on anyone. Perhaps for some people, once its finally over, you feel free, and just move on happily with your life. That was not my experience. It was just the beginning of trying to figure out how to accept the "new normal" that life had become, and how to re-learn everything I had known for the past 25 years. It sucked.
The one thing I have completely embraced, (and it is absolutely the thing that has turned my life around) is perspective. It is what I was lacking my entire adult life. It sounds so simple....but apparently I needed to go through hell to figure it out. I can say without a doubt that tragically losing my dad at a young age definitely messed me up. Prior to that, I had been previously engaged That relationship ended 4 months before we were to get married. (His decision) I felt completely abandoned. Losing my dad so unexpectedly, which was immediately followed by my soon-to be husband moving 3 hours away four months before our wedding left me feeling another round of abandonment. (Maybe you see where I'm going here.) I had no idea this was what I was feeling....or what was causing panic attacks that would occur for the next few years every time Mark left to go anywhere. I trudged on....and never felt content. Something was always lingering in the back of my mind, but I didn't know what it was. I was waiting for something bad to happen. I played the "I will be happy when..." game. I think I was so scared of being left, that I forced that scenario to happen. If I left, no one could leave me. I look back, and see what a messed up disaster I was. Then, a few months ago, it finally happened.
PERSPECTIVE. The lightbulb moment. All of those years feeling like something was missing, or "life would be better if...." It was all in my head. Yes, something was missing, but he was never coming back, and that was the sad reality. As for all of the other scenarios I was creating in my head, those were just negative thoughts tormenting me. In reality, I had everything I needed. Everything I wanted. I was just too far down in that "dark hole" to realize it. It took losing everything for me to finally figure it out. It's been a very tough lesson, but it has allowed me to finally find some peace in my life. Is everything perfect now? Of course not. But my perspective on life is so much better. I can look at everything I have, and look at the life I"m now creating, and appreciate everything about it. There are always obstacles to overcome, and some are much more challenging than others. However, I have proven to myself that I am strong, and I can handle A LOT, and I know that the good outweighs the bad.
Moving to the country has been pretty cathartic for me. I feel like I am so much closer to my parents out here. I'm a big believer in "signs" and I get a lot of them. I have always felt like my dad has made his presence known, especially when I really need him. At my house, I think he sends a blue jay. This bird makes a very regular appearance, and often comes with a mate (my mom, I like to think) I feel the blue jay is really appropriate, because my dad was the only blue eyed one in the family. Without fail, that bird shows up every time I"m feeling down, or just need a reminder that he is still here with me.
I'm also working at the church I grew up in now, and feel my parent's presence there as well. I grew up with them in the choir loft, singing in the choir...and now I'm the one leading the music there. I just feel like I've come home. All of this has been very healing for me. There are also several parishioners who are still here that were friends of my parents, which I love.
Life has just become simpler, which is exactly what I needed. I love the slower pace here, I love that we have a ridiculous amount of animals at our place, and they are our kids (now that my kiddos are all grown up) I love that we have a house that is slowly turning into what we want, and will eventually be beautiful. And I love that even though I still hurt sometimes, I have grown so much from all that I went through, and have come out on the other side a much stronger person. I think that all too often, people go through experiences that are negative or hurtful, and don't learn from them, or change in any way. I have done a 180. I honestly look back on the person I was 6+ years ago, and have no idea who she was. I kept the good parts, and changed the parts that needed improvement. I feel like I finally have my head on straight, and my priorities in order. I wish it would have happened about 20 years ago, but I also believe things happen the way they are meant to. Regardless, I think we are all making the best of how everything turned out.
My goal is to start writing a little bit again. It was very therapeutic for me in the past, and I definitely have more to write about now! I guess turning 50 really did mean I finally grew up.
