I sit on my couch a lot. I have two ridiculously comfy IKEA couches (I can't even begin to tell you how long it took me to aquire TWO white, slipcovered couches.) And no, I didn't go to Ikea and buy them. I hunted for them....for years, until Craigslist came through...and I found them both (in perfect condition) for less than the price of one at the store. Yay me.
Anyway....don't buy comfy couches if you have a tendency to feel overwhelmed, and find that you gravitate toward soft fluffy places and fall asleep when that happens. Sleep is my escape. From everything.
Feeling overwhelmed is not a new thing for me. However, feeling that way in EVERY area of my life is. The funny thing is, I have more free time now than I ever have before. So, one would think I would be calm and relaxed, and perhaps even have my shit together! 😆🤣🙃😫
Let's break this down. (This is 100% for my own benefit...feel free to come along if you would like.)
Obstacle 1. My House.
This is currently the bane of my existence. Somehow, my lovely abode turned into the "stuff mart" and I am Madame Bluberry. (Ok...so you need to be a Veggie Tales fan, circa early 2000's to get that reference.) Lets just say that it doesn't end well for Madame Blueberry.
I have an entire library of self help books to assist me in this area. "Does This Stuff Make My Butt Look Fat?" "Unstuffed" "Clearing the Clutter" "Its All Too Much" etc. I also have all of the books on simplifying your life, as well as perfecting the art of feng shui. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of books I now own. 🙄
When we bought our first house (and there were no kids or pets, and Mark was never home) that place was spotless! Five moves later...we have accumulated 3,000 square feet of stuff....and it's stressing me out. However, I have this stupid attachment to much of it. I LOVE pretty things...and I have SO MANY pretty things! And how many times have I gotten rid of something, only to need it a week later?
I am completely aware of the fact that I would bo SO much happier, and just be able to BREATHE if I cleared this place out. It has to happen.
Obstacle 2. My life.
AGH! This rollercoaster ride is killing me. I don't think I have ever felt so out of control of what's going on as I have over the past few months. It feels like someone else is steering the ship, and I'm at their mercy. It's a horrible place to be in. I feel like I have been trying so hard to keep everyone happy....while my happiness suffers. Have you ever felt like that? Where you are willing to make others your top priority, and will sacrifice so much for them, but they treat you like an option? It's amazing how small and insignificant that can make you feel.
And then there is the work aspect, where you get pulled in 50 different directions. Luckily, my work life is typically very enjoyable. For the most part, I'm doing what I love, so it's hard to complain about that! However, as in every job, you always have to deal with ridiculous issues. It's inevitable.
I think the thing that is the most baffling to me is always the drama that ensues. When working with adults, you would think that things would just be straightforward and smooth. But that is rarely the case. It seems there is always someone who is unhappy, or who finds issue with everything. They need your undivided attention when you are trying to work with an entire group, or are meeting with other individuals. It gets exhausting. If I ever act like that....please stop me and tell me to knock it off!
Obstacle 3. My Attitude.
This one I'm trying really hard to work on. Needless to say, it hasn't been good lately. My rollercoaster isnt helping. I am typically a very good listener. I think one of my best qualities is my compassion. Lately, I have felt very short tempered and impatient. And it's not just when I'm tired and hungry. 😬 Things that I would usually just brush off now genuinely upset me. People coming at me with constant complaints and attitude, who, in turn, then expect me to coddle them, and go out of my way to make sure they have everything they want....make me crazy. Promises that never come to fruition...so frustrating. People who say one thing, and do another....drives me nuts. Maybe I'm just getting older and less tolerant of all the bs.....but whatever it is, my fuse is much shorter than its ever been. I have found that my list of friends is changing. The people I thought were my longest closest friends are the ones who I never hear from. However, people who have been less prominent in my life up until this point have become my support system. These are the people I would turn to in a heartbeat if I ever needed something, and hope they would feel they could do the same with me.
I think another thing that has really affected my attitude is trust. I spend WAY too much time perusing Pinterest quotes, especially when I'm sad or hurt. It's funny how many of them say exactly what you are feeling. One that really resonates with me says something like "be careful who you trust....only a few care. The rest are just curious." Even harder than that has been coming to terms with situations that I thought were moving in one direction....but backfired on me. I think when you allow your hopes and expectations to rely on someone else, you set yourself up for a fall. It is these experiences that have made me realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself. It doesn't matter what another person says, or promises, or even tries to make you believe. In the end, the only thing you can control is YOU. I don't think there is anything more frustrating than this....but what can you do? Shakespeare put it well: "Expectation is the root of all heartache." This actually makes me really sad, because I love being excited about the future. I love hoping for good things to come. I love having high expectations. And yes, I am often disappointed.
That leads me to where I am at now. Trying to figure out how to navigate my life. Where do I go from here? I have been in this holding pattern for quite awhile now, and while I thought I had some direction....I was wrong. So, I need to learn how to dream again. How to get excited for a future of unknowns. I am tired of feeling like I am "stuck" or waiting for something that will probably never happen. I feel like I have been just wasting my life for the past few months, while I sit here....spinning in limbo. I don't know what the answer is yet....but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find it on my couch. I think it's time for a major overhaul.
Plan "Get My Shit Together" will be drawn up today.
Wish me luck.
This might call for some coffee. The fancy kind. 😉☕️