Saturday, January 3, 2015

flAB to fABulous

I am going to start with another confession.  
(Because I am a good Catholic....well, maybe not all that good.  This is as close to a confessional as I care to get.  I know the Sacrament of Reconciliation is supposed to rid you of all your sins and all of that, but quite honestly, sitting in a little room with my boss, telling him every bad thing I've done over the past several years just doesn't sound appealing to me.
I have to admit I really liked it when I worked in the Lutheran church, and the Pastor would get up in front of the congregation and say "I absolve you of all your sins" to us.  We didn't have to have a face to face evaluation with him...he just wiped them all away.
(Well, I actually did have to have a face to face evaluation...but I worked there, so that was a whole other matter.)
Crap.  What the heck was I going to confess???
I have no idea.  

I need to quit going off on tangents all the time, because I never get to the point...and when I do, I forget what it was.
~
By the way....my house smells a lot like lefse right now.
This is strange, because there certainly isn't any on the premises....unless my kids have gotten in touch with their Norwegian heritage, and taught themselves the art of lefse making...which is highly unlikely.
~
Okay, so yesterday was an interesting day.
We celebrated Christmas with my sisters and their families.  
Though, I'm not really sure you would call it "celebrating Christmas."  
We no longer have the kids exchange gifts, because, quite frankly...there are just too many of them.
I have two kids, Kris has four and Emily has six.
I could handle buying two gifts...but when you are the one having to buy six...well, it starts to get a little spendy.
So, we sisters usually give each other a little something (socks, soaps, lipgloss, etc) and then a treat or two for mom.
We did something we've never done before this year....we left the dads in charge, and the three girls went out to get some business taken care of.
I wish it had been some fun business...but it was real business business.
We spent some time at the Department of Aging, and discussed resources that were available, and future plans for mom.
Then, we went to the funeral home.
Planning your mother's funeral while she is still alive is an interesting process.
Especially when she isn't there to give you any input.
We wanted to get everything in place and paid for now, so it is one thing we don't need to worry about in the future.
I figured we would be choosing a casket and outlining the service.  I didn't expect to be deciding what kind of flowers we preferred, or if we wanted a hairstylist or not, nor was I expecting the ridiculous cost of running an obituary in the paper.
Death is one lucrative business.

When it came to the music portion of the worksheet...we simply said "we will handle it."
At least that is one area where we will feel like we know what is going on, and can be assured it will be just what mom would have wanted.
~
When we finally finished up our "business" we joined the troops back home.
And what a house full of crazy it was.
Fourteen kids ages 16 and under, and seven adults.  It wasn't so bad until the pizza arrived.  Having that many people in one kitchen was, well, chaotic.
As much as I love my nieces and nephews, our family gatherings are always a good reminder of why I have only two children.
My house is SOOOO quiet.
~
Needless to say, a big family pizza party did not get me any closer to starting my New Year's Evolutions.  However, when I arrived home, there was a package waiting at the front door.
My three new books had arrived. 
(Honestly...there is nothing more exciting to me than getting new books!!)
I think that these books will address exactly what my goals are geared toward.
Here are the titles:
1.  the life-changing magic of tidying up
the Japanese are of decluttering and organizing

2. Spent
Break the Buying Obsession and Discover Your True Worth

3. The Little Spark
30 Ways to Ignite Your Creativity

Now, obviously the only thing missing is something to address my goals involving weight-loss and getting healthy.
However, we have some Christmas money that we have decided to put toward creating a work-out room in our house.  Everyone seems to be on board and excited about it, so that will be in the works asap.
I have products on their way for my 24-Day Advocare Challenge, so hopefully that will be a good jump-start for the weight loss factor.
~
I'm still moving in baby steps...but the biggest thing right now is motivation.
I am soooo tired of feeling tired.
I'm sick of having headaches and feeling achey and lethargic.
And more than anything....I am sick of trying to hide my balloon tummy under baggy clothes.
It's impossible to hide a big roll of flab.
So, it's time for that flab to GO!
^^^2014^^^

I'm thinking that 2015 will be the year of the bikini.


I'm thinking...6-8 weeks?  No problem.
Well....maybe I'll give myself until June.
OMG.

Excuse me.  I need to go work on my abs.

Have a great Saturday!

Friday, January 2, 2015

Bring Home the Bacon

I have a confession to make.
When it is nearing midnight, and I haven't gotten around to writing my post for the next day....nor have I gotten around to thinking about what I'm even going to write about....well, I face the task somewhat begrudgingly.
I could get up and do it in the morning...but that is as likely as me getting up to exercise, so it's best that I stay honest with myself.
So, here I am, nearing the midnight hour, fighting a headache after two glasses of wine...never a good idea.  (I think my husband may have been trying to get me drunk.) 
Speaking of him....while he was putzing around with his lake home in the garage today, he managed to prove to us all that he is indeed getting old, and pulled a muscle in his back.  (This will happen when trying to lift a lake home single handedly.)  So, now he is walking around much like a woman in labor.  I believe I have commented on his behavior when he gets sick. (The world stops turning....etc.) Well, the same thing happens when he is in pain.
This is why women give birth.
End of story.
~

So, how did Day 1 of your "New Year's Resolutions/Evolutions" go?
Remember those baby steps I'm taking.
Yeah...they are teeny tiny baby steps.
Actually....I am starting to go through withdrawal.  I already am feeling that "The End Is Near" anxiety...and I hate that.
(The "End" as in...real life starts again on Monday...and I'm not ready.)
I have had a decent chunk of time to actually get some stuff done around here, but I have completely squandered it.
I could have put Mark and the kids to work, and tackled some projects around the house...but I chose to just be a bum instead.
Now...I'm almost out of time.
Today is our Westby family Christmas...so we will be busy with that.
Then there is the weekend...which for me is never a good time to get much done, because I am working.
This is where some changes definitely need to happen. 
And they need to happen IN MY HEAD!
~
I have wrapped my mind around the thought that my Saturdays are pretty much a bust, because whatever project I start...I always have to stop around 3 or 4 to get ready and head off to church.  By the time I get back and have dinner, it's after 7, and I always make it an early night because I'm up early again the next day.
So, in other words...I waste the day.
(I should write a book about wasting days.  I am SO GOOD AT IT!!!)
~
I have the book (a real book...not just one of the 500 books I should write...)
"52 Ways to Live A Kick-Ass Life" sitting on my desk.
I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with this book/author.  
The author has "over come an eating disorder, alcoholism and divorce..." and she dwells on these things a little too much for my liking.  It's great she has overcome them...yeah her! but I don't need to be reminded of it over and over again.  That being said, she does have some great ideas in the book.
Since it is a new year, I figure why not throw out some of her ideas that are good, and maybe you will like them too!
(especially good for late nights when I'm not sure what to write about!)
Week 1:
Take Responsibility for Your Life and Your Choices.
~
I like this.
I have been a guest at my own pity parties...and have definitely (and unfortunately) spent more time that I would have liked at the pity parties of others.  It is pretty easy to blame everyone around you for your unhappy circumstances.  It's also easy to think "don't they know how hard things are for me?" or "how can they treat me like that after all I have been through!"
I think we have all played the victim at some point in life.
The goal is to move out of that role, take all those negative "poor me" thoughts and turn them into positive ones.  
I could sit here all day and blame my age, my genetics, my depression, my migraines, my dogs for my weight gain....but the truth is...I bought a cupcake recipe book, and went nuts 18 months ago.  That set off my super sugar addiction, and I didn't stop.  I also didn't exercise.  My dogs are fat too...(but they didn't eat any cupcakes.) I could blame that damn cookbook (but OMG....it is SOOO good!) but the book didn't force that stuff down my throat.
~
She makes an interesting point in the book by saying this:
"Take a belief you have that you think is a fact.  Not a circumstance, (such as being in debt), but a belief.  For example, "I can never get out of this debt."  Ask yourself, "What if it was different?"  You don't have to completely say the opposite to yourself, or repeat any far-reaching affirmation- just get curious about the idea that it could be different.  What if it was possible to get out of debt?  Just consider it."
~
I think we often forget that EVERYTHING is a choice.
Okay...we don't choose for bad things to happen...but we DO choose how we react to it.  
That is probably the best lesson we can learn in life.  How to be able to not react....just listen, then absorb, then think it through (rationally, of course) and THEN choose how to react or feel about it.
We create our own drama.  Some of us create LOTS of drama.  (I, of course, have never created any, but I have heard that lots of people do this.)
I often wonder how things in my life would be different if I had figured this stuff out like 25 years ago....because I was the QUEEN of emotional reacting.
It never would have occurred to me to take the time to stop and think through an upsetting situation, and then deal with it.  Or, God forbid, sleep on it, and then approach it in the morning.  NO...I had to dive in head first, and solve whatever the problem was immediately....and while in a complete state of emotional turmoil.  As you can imagine, that always had a fantastic outcome!
Ugh.  
Honestly....where were the helpful magazine articles, and self-help books back then when crazy, hormonal, artsy, manic, pisces girls like me needed them?!!
All we got were "Yellow Mascara!  It's What's Hot!" (And I actually wore it a couple times, because that looked pretty with dark hair.) :-o
Or, "Drive the Boys Crazy With Love's Baby Soft."  That, or we were told that if we wore the right fragrance, we could not only bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan...but we could also make sure we never let our husbands forget he was a man...because apparently all of us were dreaming of not only supporting our families financially, but also doing all of the cooking, making sure we remained hot little sexpots, AND smelled good! (Well, not really good....I thought that Enjoli was a little rancid.) (And yes...I included the commercial for your enjoyment....click on the link.)
~
At least we are all wise and well-adjusted now, and perhaps our children have a chance at getting through their young adulthood with a little less trauma and turmoil than we did! (Or maybe I should just speak for myself here, because everyone else actually did already know all this stuff, and I was alone in my drama making, victim playing ways.)
~
At any rate, I'm glad that part has improved in my life.
Now...to work on the rest of it.
Like the "quit watching old episodes of "Castle" and actually do something productive."
One day at a time.
Baby steps.

Enjoy your Friday!!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

A Fresh Start

Happy New Year!!!
2015
What will this year bring???


I think the first question is "How are you choosing to approach your new year?"
When I read the box above....I find myself taking it two ways.
1. A lot can happen in a year.....so I better enjoy each day.  You never know when disaster might strike. 
(That would be my not-so-optimistic view.)
or
2. Just think of all of the amazing changes I can make over the course of this year.
(I'm thinking this one has a much less morbid feel to it.)

There is a part of me that asks: Which option represents reality?
Probably both.
I do think we need to live each day to the fullest, because we don't know what the next day might bring...or if there even will be a next day.

I also think we need to set goals for ourselves...give ourselves something to strive for, things to look forward to (that is a big one for me) something to work toward.
I know that I always need to have a positive goal...something that motivates me, and gets me excited.

~
I have to admit, I haven't completed my New Year's Evolution list yet.
Nor have I crafted any big plans for how implement the things I know I want to do.
Now....on a typical year, this would mean failure.
If I didn't have this stuff wrapped up and ready to go on January 1...well, how on earth did I expect to start the year off right?
Obviously, I had ruined my chance, and would have to wait until next year.
(Oh darn.  I guess I can go have a candy bar, since the diet is off.)
~
Well, this year I have decided to approach my "goals" gently.
Yes....losing weight is on the list...OF COURSE.
However, it is not going to be a drastic "all or nothing" endeavor.
It is going to be about gradual changes....rather than my typical approach.


I have also decided that I am going to give up my attempt at mental telepathy.
I have been trying to get my husband to read my mind for the past 19 years....and after my failed attempt at an anniversary that involved, well, anything....I have decided that I will just have to start actually spelling things out for the guy. (Apparently my skills have not increased, or perhaps, ever existed.)
I will be voicing ideas like "You need to actually take some initiative and plan something...because it would be SO nice if I didn't always have to be the one who did it."  Or "those hints I keep dropping....yes, they are REAL hints."
Things like that.
Ugh.
Moving on.
~
It has come to my attention that my butt spends way too much time in contact with fluffy surfaces. (i.e.: the couch, the chair, my bed, etc.) 
No wonder it is flat.
I will never have a J.Lo butt if I keep sitting on it.
This is going on my list.
~
You know how it's so easy to give in to your dog when he is looking up at you with those big eyes, looking so sad and pathetic, and making little whimpering noises....and all he wants is just a little taste of your burger (or whatever.)
Well....I am a sucker for my dogs...but also for myself.
I am a total pushover when it comes to that voice in my head.
I can justify ANYTHING.
This involves food, (I'm eating cheesecake as I type this) shopping, getting out of exercising, being lazy in general, procrastinating, not leaving my house, etc.
This needs to change.
I am currently researching "ways to murder that damn voice inside your head."
I am pretty sure they can't convict you for killing something that no one else can see....or hear....??
~
Okay. 
I have decided my word for the year is going to be:
Baby Steps.
Yeah, yeah...I know that is two words.
However, this will be really good for me.
I typically am an "all or nothing" girl.
Today, I will start to train myself how to work progressively.
My house didn't become a disaster overnight....
I didn't become a bloated chunky monkey overnight (even though it seems like it)
Everything takes time...and it is a process.
I am going to allow myself to actually work through that process, and not get frustrated, or discouraged.
I have a feeling I will find SO much more success by approaching things this way.
~
SO there you have it.  My plan.
What is YOUR plan?
I would love to know!!
~

I love this quote....and it is my wish for all of you!!


Sending many happy thoughts and wishes for a very blessed 2015!!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Big Countdown

New Year's Eve!



Those words instantly bring an array of party hats, confetti and noise makers to my mind.  Isn't it interesting how that happens?
How a word, a scent, a picture can instantly pull up a memory or 
image in your mind?
~
I will admit, when I was younger, I always longed for one of those New Year's Eves like you saw in the movies.
One where the countdown would begin, and time would slow....as the champagne made it's way around the room.  The lights would twinkle, and everywhere you would see beautiful, happy people, smiling and laughing.  The camera would pan throughout the room as I made my way through the crowd, catching several pecks on the cheek, as I embraced and smiled at the people I passed by, and as the countdown reached it's end....three...two...one!!!...there he would be....my prince charming...magically standing in front of me at the stroke of midnight.  He would stare into my eyes, and then gently pull me toward him as he kissed me.
Yes.  It would be love at first sight.
~
Well, the reality was typically being yanked by my arm through some horrendously over crowded bar, as we tried to pry our way toward the front so we could either get a drink, or get to the bathroom.  More often than not, the countdown would happen during our attempt to navigate through the throngs of crazy, drunken college students...so the only thing magical about these experiences were actually making our way through this insanity and not getting separated from our group.
~
I have a secret loathing for all filmmakers.
They give us silly girls who actually are dumb enough to believe in the whole "fairy tale scenario" the one thing that, in the end, will always break our hearts in the end.
Hope.
~
Here is what I know.
If you want a dreamy New Year's Eve...complete with magical lighting, champagne, the background music...and, of course, the perfectly timed kiss...you need to orchestrate the whole damn thing, right down to the last detail.  And then you just pretend it's spontaneous.  Because that is the only way it is ever going to actually happen.
How do I know this?
Well....let's think for a moment.
If you (and I am talking to the ladies here) don't write the script on this one, it will be left up to a man to read your mind, and make this whole thing happen.
Ahhhh.....now it all makes sense, yes?
~
Okay.  Moving on to more motivational topics.
I subscribe to a blog called: "Be More With Less."
Yesterday's topic was "10 ways to redefine your New Year's Resolutions"
Now, I think we are all aware that I am ALL about figuring out how to make our resolutions/evolutions stick....and I am reading everything I can get my hot little hands on these days, in order to get as many new ideas as I can.
I also feel that the pressure is on, considering that TOMORROW IS 2015!!
So, we need to get our acts together...NOW!
I also enjoy sharing any new insight I gain with you....who knows, maybe you like it too!

Here we go!

1. Make a love list: Instead of making the new year about everything you want to change, make it about everything you love. What would you really LOVE to do this year? In your life, business, love, relationships? How to make a love list.

2. Create a capsule wardrobe: Dress with less and eliminate closet chaos.

3. Addition:  What can you add to your life in the new year to make it better?
    Not stuff and things....but qualities?

4. Start a morning routine: Start your day with purpose..even if it is just 5 minutes for yourself.  Choose and activity (journalling, yoga, drinking tea, etc) and create time for you.  How to create a Meaningful Morning Routine

5. Minimalist game:  If you dislike decluttering, try this: Get rid of one item on the first of the month, two items on the second, three on the third, etc.

6. Try the capsule kitchen challenge:  Eliminate junk from your diet and put and end to decision fatigue in the grocery store. How to get started with the Capsule Kitchen   (there is a FB group you can join too)

7. Share your life in a way that helps others: Think about what you have to offer and share your life to help others in some way....perhaps a blog!

8. Create goals with soul:How do you want to feel? Create your goals or make choices based on those feelings. Use the Desire Map to create goals.

9. Reset to zero: (This is about minimalism, based on Colin Wright's reset to zero)....click here to read more

10. Subtract:  Instead of adding one more goal or resolution, consider that you are doing enough already, and maybe too much.  What can you subtract? Where can you let go to create more time and space to just be?

Well, that should keep you busy for awhile!
Hopefully, all of the links will give you some good ideas.

Now...I need to go work on my New Year's Eve
"Twas the Stroke of Midnight" script.
Maybe if I actually hand out a script, I will finally get a decent story to write about.
I suppose the hardest part is going to be trying to get Mark to actually stay up until midnight.
I suppose I could write a Sleeping Beauty parody, where it's the prince who actually won't wake up?
Ugh.  It's going to be a long night.
And I still have to work on my evolutions too.


I hope all of your evenings involve champagne, candlelight, and magic!
We shall meet again....in 2015!

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

19 And Counting

Today is my 19th Anniversary.
(Happy Anniversary Mark!)
We will all just put on a nice little smile, and pretend he reads this.


It is a little surreal that it has already been 19 years.
In just a few years, I will have been married longer than I was single.
You know what that means?
I got married way too young!
I mean, I don't regret getting married when I did. (I was almost 24.)
But, knowing what I do now....I realize that I had no business being married at that time in my life.  I had no idea who I was back then...or what I wanted.
Heck, I remember registering for wedding gifts, and having the hardest time knowing what color towels to choose.  Obviously, if I didn't know what color towels I liked, I certainly wasn't ready for real grown-up stuff!
~
It is interesting looking back...remembering what life was like then.  I was completely immersed in the idea of getting married, then buying the perfect little house with a white picket fence, and then having our 2.5 children, and a dog, of course.
It all sort of fell right into that mold somehow...but it certainly wasn't perfect or easy.
Sometimes I wonder how we made it through the first couple years.
We married four months after my dad died.
One week after the wedding, Mark started commuting to a school that was about a 70 minute drive away, so he would leave before I was up, and I would leave for my studio job (after I was done teaching) before he got home.  We didn't see very much of each other...at all.
We bought a house, two months later I got a job in the town he was commuting to, so four months later we sold the house, bought another and moved.
During this time I got pregnant, and lost the baby.
Six months later, I got pregnant again....and we were told we lost that baby...again.
Luckily, my Dr. was more optimistic than the radiologist, and a week later, they found the heartbeat.  9 months later, Lexie was born.
This was our first two years of marriage.
It gets more ridiculous from there.
~

I do think, now that we have had 19 years to figure this marriage stuff out, that we are finally getting the hang of it.  Maybe what we really are getting the hang of is figuring out who WE are as individuals...which then makes our life as a couple a lot easier.  All I know is that marriage is definitely not a journey for the faint of heart.  
I play at so many weddings...and there are some where I see these young couples who are quite obviously there for the "wedding" rather than the "marriage."  I have to bite my tongue....but I really want to say "ok guys....here is the deal: you are about to spend a lot of money on a big party, and it's pretty obvious that you haven't given what happens after the party much thought.  I would suggest a serious reality check here, to determine you are doing this for all of the right reasons.  If not...perhaps you should just throw a party.  Not a wedding."
On the flip side, it makes me so happy to see the couples who are so obviously in love.  And, since they often become members of the church I work at, I get to watch as they start to have babies, and see their families grow.
~
I thought I would drag out the wedding album today, and share some photos with you.  (Yes, photos from the "proof" album that I still haven't gotten around to ordering yet.  And let's just be honest...I never will.)

Blushing bride. (I don't think I ever actually blushed.)
Apparently my mother hated this dress.  Here's the thing...I was rather "well-endowed" so the typical poofy wedding dress made me look like a giant marshmallow.  This style was much more attractive on me. She never actually mentioned her disdain to me (I heard it second hand) so I guess I will never know if the tale is true or not.....hmmm....
With my 12 year old groom.  (He looks like a middle school kid.) In my first year of teaching, I had a student who asked me "why do you always hang out with that 15 year old guy?" (He was referring to Mark...my 23 year old fiancĂ© .)

The ladies. (My two sisters, my cousin Amy and flower girl, cousin Kelsey)
Kelsey got married this past summer. :-0

The blurry wedding party.

My singers. (12 women....all music majors)  
It was a concert.

The sisters

Pretty Christmasy church

This makes me sad.  My mom used to be so vibrant and pretty.

Mark taking advantage of me.  Again.

Love this shot.  I remember saying "well....should we go?!"

Ah yes...the "I have no original ideas, so I will take a pic of your hands" shot.
Our photographer sucked.
But my nails looked nice.  And they were real. 

She was such a cutie.

There you have it.  
Hopefully it will be an exciting and fun filled day in Lakmann-land.
Neither one of us has done any shopping or planning for the day, so more than likely, it will be a day of trying to figure out what the heck we should do...where we should go, and just complete indecisiveness.
This typically leads to crabbiness...so I wouldn't be surprised if the evening involved a pizza from dominos and an on demand movie.
Let's hope that our 20th Anniversary provokes some extra planning....and shiny things.
I guess Valentine's Day is coming up.
Maybe I will just focus on that.
~
Have a terrific Tuesday!


Monday, December 29, 2014

The Other Side

I decided to start planning my funeral today.
I'm pretty sure the thought hit me during one of my "off"moments while playing at church.
Oh...that's another thing.
I think I've figured out what is wrong with me.
I believe I have mentioned the fact that I am worried I may be losing my mind, as I have been screwing up while playing quite frequently as of late...which isn't normal.  And by screwing up...I mean like forgetting how to play the piano...or just really second guessing myself.
I also had a weird experience on Christmas Eve.
I was SO pumped about my Mass with the "Fabulous Four"......but when it started, I was a mess.  I was anxious, nervous, all worked up and totally off my game.  This is not normal either.  And this has been happening more frequently.
(And yes...I'm worried about it.)
However, today when I was screwing up (again) I realized that my mind was SO far off in la-la land....that I'm surprised I was able to play at all.
I can't remember exactly what I was thinking about....but I know it involved rather complex thought.  
(I remember that, because the little voice in my head said "Ummm, Beth....maybe the fact that you are thinking about things that take multiple steps to create is why you keep forgetting what key you are in?")
Then, I forced the voice in my head to repeat over and over:
FOCUS!
It didn't really work.
My diagnosis.
Adult ADD.
~
The nervous/anxious thing....I'm not sure what to think about that.
My cure:
Prozac.
~
I have no idea why they don't just give me a medical license.
I obviously know what I'm talking about.
~
Back to my death.

I had to play for that super sad funeral of the 27 year old woman (who was killed in a car accident) yesterday afternoon.
Her mom came up afterward, and said "Do you remember when we came over to your house to pick out wedding music?"
(I had played for the woman's wedding 3 years prior.)
"She loved that so much....we wanted her funeral to be like her wedding.  Happy and beautiful."
(It was that....and completely devastating.)

I am guessing this is perhaps why I had my funeral on my mind.
That, and as I was sitting in church, I started thinking about "Hmmm....I wonder who would show up for my funeral?"  
Jaine and I sang a song from my wedding for the meditation this weekend...and that got me thinking about music.
I was around to plan all my wedding music. 
(My wedding was pretty much a concert, by the way.)
What if I never got around to telling anyone what I wanted for my funeral?!
Good God....would Mark pick the music...or put someone else in charge?
Would they pick oldie moldies like "How Great Thou Art" (NOT allowed!)
Or overdone hymns like "On Eagles Wings?"  (Sorry...no You-Hoo's)
Who would play the piano?
(By the way....there is nothing wrong with those hymns...I have just been working in churches for too long......so we are currently separated....not divorced though.) 
Oh no....I am NOT leaving these decisions up to anyone but ME!
I am FAR too controlling to let this concert of death be programmed by anyone but yours truly!
~
Here is my concern.
Will I actually be there to hear this wonderful celebration of my life?
When I was playing for the funeral yesterday, a beam of sunlight suddenly came down upon me during a particularly emotional point of the service.
Of course, me being one who totally believes in "signs" thought "whoa! is this Laura trying to communicate?  Or maybe just one of my angels up there, wrapping me in light?"  (I know it sounds silly...but it makes me feel better thinking that way...and I HAVE had some crazy things happen that I feel 100% sure were my dad communicating with me.
Anyway...I just embraced the moment.
But it didn't end.
Rather than shining a halo-like light softly down upon me, that damn sun turned into a fat beam of incessant white heat, and continued to blind me for the rest of the service.
In fact, it just got worse.
Buy the end, I was leaning in, with my nose practically touching the music, so I could see past the laser beam of sunlight that was attempting to pierce a hole through my eyeball.
Not to mention the fact that by this time, I had been cooking in this giant sunbeam for a good 20 minutes....so I was about ready to perish from heat stroke....and I hadn't planned my funeral yet!!!
Needless to say, I'm pretty sure if that was a "sign," it wasn't from anyone I really cared to communicate with.
~
Where was I?
Oh yea....attending my own funeral.
I am pretty adamant about being there.
I think that is one of the sad things in life.
A person's funeral is when all the people in your life sort of come out of the wood work. (especially if you die young, or unexpectedly.) I saw that at my dad's funeral.  Your family gets to hear all the wonderful things people have to say about you....while you just lay in a box, probably wearing some outfit you hate, with bad make-up on...God knows my hair will be awful, because NO ONE knows how to deal with curly hair.  (Can someone tell them to just straighten it...or have Lexie deal with it...she knows what's going on with the curly stuff.) 
Also, spritz me up with some yummy smelling bath and body works spray....formaldehyde isn't the scent I am going for.  And NO old lady perfume.

~
I suppose if I end up with some terminal disease, I can at least be in charge of putting my funeral choir together, and making sure they sound good. ;)
~
It's the sudden death scenario that worries me.
Way to many variables with that one.
This is why planning is important.
~
I still can't decide between regular burial or cremation.
To be honest with you...I'm a little scared of being cremated.
I know you are dead....and it takes up less space, and is better for the earth...blah blah blah.
But...what if you aren't really dead?
(Okay, so I watch too many movies.)
I just am not sure that I feel like getting tossed into the raging fires of hell intentionally.
If that is to be my fate....I guess I'd rather earn my way there?  ;-)


Anyway, I realize this is all somewhat morbid, but for some reason, this year I have become much more aware of my mortality.  I assume it's because I'm getting older, and each year brings me one step closer. (Now that is depressing.)
I think I make myself think about it, because I have always been a little afraid of it.  Obviously, I have no desire to die.  However, I don't get an option.
I wonder if there was an option to know at what age you were going to "kick the bucket"....would I want to know?
I am sure curiosity would get the best of me, and I would.  I am a planner....when it comes to big life choices or life events...I need to know things in advance, so I can wrap my head around them, and mentally prepare.
Planning is always a good thing.


Would you want to know?
I wonder how it would change the way we live our lives?
~
For now, I'll just worry about the music.
One step at a time.
Oh....and I am totally cool with comfy clothes.  
Slippers and pj pants.  
No one is going to see them anyway!
If you are going to your "eternal rest" why on earth would you wear an uncomfortable dress??
~

Have a Marvelous Monday!