Monday, March 27, 2017

Starting Over

It's Monday.  Every Monday for the past 100 years I have promised myself I would start fresh.  THIS would be the Monday that I would jump out of bed early in the morning with renewed energy and excitement!  The Monday that I would start exercising again!  The Monday that I would clean the house from top to bottom!  The Monday that I would actually plan meals for the week AND go to the grocery store to buy the necessary ingredients too!!  It would be the Monday that I would do all of the "normal" things that "normal" people do every Monday.  I have finally come to the realization that I do not fit the description of "normal."  It is not something I am proud to admit.  I mean, clearly, I don't want to be "normal" as in "boring"....but I would enjoy being able to function like a regular human being most days.  Since this blog is where I tend to "come clean" and bare my soul, I will just tell it like it is.  My "normal" for a long time now has been "can I get from my bed to the couch, and maybe accomplish something before noon....or am I just too exhausted to even face the day?"  If  I have to be somewhere, I will make it happen, but usually with great effort.  I grew up with the mentality (and the constant harping of my parents!) that if you weren't doing anything, you were lazy.  So, of course, when I get into these horrible ruts, I feel like a big, worthless, lazy bum.  If only that were the case.  I'm pretty sure that if it were laziness I was dealing with, I would be able to shake it off, and move forward.  I think back to when I was working seven days a week, teaching at school full time, lessons at night, doing shows, holding down a church job, plus playing for every gig that came along....and that was when my kids were little!  Clearly, I am capable of working like a crazy person....I did it for years.  It's funny how life will give you a reality check when you don't see it coming.  And that is where I am now.
    So, here I am, on a Monday.  And it's a good day to start blogging again.  It has been a couple years since I have been here....and I always found this place to be quite therapeutic for me.  And so, I start again.  And I am also beginning a new chapter of life. It is definitely not where I expected to be at this point in my life.  My beautiful daughter is almost through her first year in college, and is thriving.  I couldn't be happier for her.  She is singing and performing, and doing what she loves.  My son is looking at colleges, as he finishes up his junior year of high school.  Also a wonderful musician, he plans to pursue his passion as well.  The nest will be empty very soon, and as much as we had looked forward to this time in our lives, our visions changed.  It's funny how things become clear as you age.  You really start to understand who you are, and what you want.  I have also become painfully aware of how short life is....and fully believe that to be truly happy and follow your heart is the only way to really live your life.  I have lost four dear friends over the past few months, as well as my grandmother.  I have also had a friend lose a sister, and another lose her daughter.  The invincibility we feel when we are young fades as the reality of life sets in.  I have always tried to do what was "right" or what was expected of me.  I tried to make the responsible decision, or choose the "safe"path. I would live my life for my kids and my family, and push my needs aside.  It's crazy how fast you can lose your own identity that way.  So, here I am, 45 years old, not a whole lot to show for myself except two pretty fantastic kids, two really cute dogs, and 21 years of marriage to a wonderful man.  A man who is an amazing dad, a hard worker, my dear friend, probably the kindest, most caring person I know, and the guy I will soon call my ex-husband.  Crazy, right?  I feel very lucky that I could potentially have the most amicable divorce in the history of the world, and that I feel nothing but love and wish nothing but the very best for Mark.  We just finally admitted that we are two completely different people, and that we want very different things in life.  He loves a low-key, quiet existence....I need the opposite.  Country Mouse/City Mouse.  It's great for a visit....but someone will eventually go crazy. (Me.) 😬  I suppose we are fortunate that our kids are almost grown, and both are smart, kind, well adjusted young adults with good heads on their shoulders.  It would be much more difficult if they were still little.  Some days are harder than others.  We have both gone through our own stages of grief, and I know there are many to come.  I consider it a very good day if I make it to bed at night without having cried at all.  For awhile, it was a miracle if I made it until noon without a full on melt down.  Thank God for dogs that love to snuggle their mama.  I don't know how Mark has been able to go to work every day, and put on his "game face".  I have at least had the luxury of the privacy of my home to do most of my melting down in.  My car has seen its fair share of it as well.  We have been working through the emotional turmoil for several months now....but will soon be embarking on the logistical nightmare that is divorce.  Luckily, we have no ill-will toward one another, nor do we have anything to fight over (he gets the comfy bed, I get the piano....the rest is just  "stuff.")  Tonight, he was carrying boxes downstairs, and I asked what he was up to.  He said he was starting to "pack up the CD's."  Cue the giant knot in my stomach.  This shit just got real. Tears began to fall, as they so easily do now.  It's unbelievable how easily I cry these days.  I used to have the most amazing ability to put up the proverbial "wall" when it came to my emotions.  I could watch kids sob at the funerals I would play for, and not bat an eye.  I was able to turn off that switch that connected my emotions to my tear ducts like nobody's business.  Now, if a stranger is kind to me at the grocery store, I start bawling.  Or if someone actually asks "are you ok?" And seems genuinely concerned....forget it.  I'm a sobbing mess for the next 10 minutes.  I actually asked my doctor for a Prozac prescription just to "numb me up" a bit.  She didn't go for it.  Don't worry....I will try again. 😜
So, there it is.  My big secret is out. At least now you will know why I am crying over the cantaloupe in the grocery store.  I am hoping that writing will prove to be good therapy as we fumble through this crazy time.  I'm so thankful for the support and love we have received from family and friends.  It's important to us that everyone knows that we are still, and will always be close friends, and we don't want anyone to feel awkward around us.  It is obviously very sad, and a difficult time, but there is no animosity between us.  All that matters to us is our kids, and their health and happiness.  And if you do run into me at the grocery store (or anywhere else) I could really use a big hug.   I'm sure Mark could as well. ❤️

11 comments:

  1. I am so sorry Beth *huge hug*. I've been there twice....if you can remain friends and close co-parents for the kids (even though they don't "need" you anymore ;), family will always remain.

    Take a breath, take some time. Let the tears fall as much as you need. We are all here for you, my dear.

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  2. Beth Not sure what to say accept your a strong , bright ,incredibly kind, and so darn much fun! I hurt with you and for you and Mark!Consider your self hugged and loved!

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    1. Thank you for the hug and love!! 😘

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  3. Lynn Miller was not sure how to go about signing so now I am Irish Fern

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  4. Beth, I'm so very sorry to hear your news. I wish you all the best as you get through this difficult time. But I have to disagree with your notion that you have "not a lot to show for yourself"—beautiful lady, maybe you just need a little help remembering all the good you've brought to the world. I know that stuff is hard to measure, but here goes: When I think of Beth, I think of your contagious smile. I think of your self-deprecating humor that makes everyone around you feel relaxed and lightened up (even though you're way too hard on yourself.) I think of all the ways you've touched people through your music, whether you've been performing or teaching. Imagine how powerful that is, to bring the gift of music into someone's life! I know you've inspired me, whether at church choir (I know, ages ago!) or during a show. And I think of how many times you've led a prayer post on Facebook for a friend or family member in need. You lead a busy life, yet you can always spare a moment to wish someone a Happy Birthday or comment on their lives in a positive way. I know we are not close friends but even from afar I can see how strong your spirit shines out. You've blessed so many lives. Perhaps now it's time for some of that karma to come back to you. You deserve it!!! I truly hope that this will be the Year of Beth; that you will come through all the turbulence stronger and find what makes YOU happy, what you want from this short life we're given. Sending virtual hugs and lots of positive "universe juice" (as Kung Fu Panda would say) your way.

    P.S. I'll be at Woodman's Wednesday morning if you need a hug. Or chocolate cake. ;)

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    1. And.....the tears are falling!! This was beyond sweet and wonderful. I may hunt you down in Woodmans tomorrow just to give you a big hug! Thank you Jeanna... so much. ❤️😘

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    2. Like I said, you deserve it! It is hard juggling being a mama and still being yourself, especially as a creative person. You are not alone. And it's ok to still be "finding yourself" no matter what age you are or what season of life you're in. You'll get there.

      P.S. I warn you that if you find me in Woodman's at the END of my grocery shopping with two crazy kiddos, I might need the hug as much as you do! ;) And the cake.

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  5. Love to you both during this crazy time. And, best wishes for your new lives as you both embark on new journeys.♡♡

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  6. Thank you so much, Tammy! Sending love your way also!! ❤️

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