I am finally getting to my "New Year" post. I approached this year a little differently than I have in past years. I decided not to set any resolutions or intentions that I knew I would never keep. In other words, I did not tell myself I was going "lose 20 pounds by May!" Let's get real. I love carbs and I hate getting off the couch. It's just not going to happen. Instead, I started really thinking about how I wanted my life to look. What would FEEL good to me. What would be some ways I could start to evolve in my life that would be completely doable, and exciting. Things that would improve my mental, emotional and physical health. But before any of that happened, I needed to address the elephant in the room. The one thing that has been looming over me for the last few years, and has been preventing me from moving forward. So, I wrote my former husband a message. I told him that I needed closure. I needed him to take some ownership in our divorce. I have been beating myself up and hating myself EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past four + years, and it is eating me alive. It consumes me. It haunts me. It is destroying me. I know he told his parents (and I'm assuming everyone else in his world) that I was the reason for the divorce. And I just let him. I have always put him up on a pedestal...he was this man who could do no wrong. Everyone loves Mark. Hell, my aunt disowned me, and chose him when she found out we were splitting up. And because I was the one who made the mistakes in the end of the relationship, I let him blame me. I never called him out on all of the things that led up to the decisions I made in the many years prior. The pain I felt and the things I went through didn't matter. And I owned it all. I took all the blame. And I finally realized that this was NOT fair. No marriage dissolves because of just one person. And all I asked from him was to take ownership in that. I wasn't mean. I wasn't accusatory. I was just asking for that closure so I could move on and feel like I wasn't the monster he made me feel like I was. I had already asked for his forgiveness 100 times over, and he had said he forgave me time and time again. I wasn't looking for forgiveness from him. I was looking for accountability. I hit send, and waited for his reply. And it never came. He sent NOTHING. I guess I wasn't surprised. I no longer serve a need for him, so he no longer sees any reason to be kind to me. This breaks my heart, considering we shared 25 years and 2 children together. However, something unexpected came from this. His decision to once again ignore me and refuse to even take any ownership in anything that happened between us gave me the strength to FORGIVE MYSELF. And that is all I needed. Who knew?! It was like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have believed that every bad thing that has happened to me has just been a punishment, and that every thought of just ending my life was completely justified, because I deserved it. But why? All I was doing was trying to be happy. I was trying to fill this giant hole in my life. There was something missing, I was not content, I was depressed as hell, and something needed to change. I was crying for help for such a long time, but he never heard me, or never cared. And I have been hating myself for hurting him...but now I realize that he doesn't care that he ever hurt me. And he certainly doesn't care that he continues to hurt me now, when all I want is a friendship like we used to have for the sake of our kids. I have released myself from that burden. I have done everything I can to make that happen, and it is no longer mine to carry. I have spent way too much time thinking I was some horrible person, when in reality, I was just a person who needed to be seen, to be loved, to be heard. For the first time since all of this happened, I feel like I can finally move in the right direction....and my God, does that feel good. And what feels even better is knowing that I have learned from every single mistake I have made....and I will never make those mistakes again. Whether he sees that or not, is not my problem. He has changed, and is someone I no longer recognize. I will just hold on to happy memories of the person who was caring and kind, and mourn that he no longer exists for me. But he also no longer has a hold on me, and can no longer make me feel less than the person I am.
SO, what was missing in my life? That is the question I ask myself a lot. I think back to my life...before. Because there definitely was a "before" and an "after". I remember feeling very lost a lot of the time. Even though I was living in this big, beautiful house, I had these dream jobs, and my kids were super awesome and never got into any trouble, and honestly, my life looked pretty perfect, I always felt like something was "off." I never felt peaceful and content. Maybe I was just too busy all the time. Maybe I was worried that this was all life would ever be...just the same routine, day after day until I died. Maybe I was having a mid-life crisis? Who knows. What I do know is that somehow, now that I am finally on the other side of my five years of hell..(I really need to come up with a name for that period of time when my entire life just blew up in my face, please feel free to offer suggestions!) I am finally feeling calm and content. I think moving to the country had a lot to do with it. Slowing down, being surrounded by nature, getting away from all the traffic, starting a zoo...all of it. Like I have said before, I do believe the biggest thing I needed to do was just get out of my own head, and change my perception. I have definitely learned to appreciate what I have, and to not take things for granted. I have also learned how to let things go...and sadly, sometimes that includes people. I think that is something that we have to learn to do as we get older. Sometimes it is something that just happens because of distance or life changes. But other times, it is something we are forced to do because a person no longer has the same values we do, or our interests and priorities change. And sometimes we have to let go of someone we care about, not because we want to, but because they no longer want us in their lives. That is always the hardest one to adjust to.
I guess the bottom line is that the person we need to take care of, to look out for, to make sure their needs are met and that they know they are loved is OURSELVES. I have to wonder how different my life would look if I had learned to love myself years ago. If I had learned how to flip that self talk around and rather than always criticize, start complimenting and cheering myself on. If I would look in the mirror, and rather than looking for flaws, find beauty. If, when I was deep down in that black hole that I felt like I would never be able to crawl out of, I would have self soothed, and talked my way back to happiness, rather than just sit in my misery and convince myself my life was shit, and I would never feel better. If, on those days when I said "Ugh! I hate my life!" I had stopped myself and said "Hold on, chicka....let's actually take an inventory of every awesome thing you have in your life, and see why you are really feeling this way."
I still struggle with this daily, but it's getting better. And I think having gone through the (insert brilliant name for my shit stint) has really helped me figure out how to just be okay being me. It has also made me realize that I'm totally fine on my own, if I need to be. Even though I live with someone, believe me, I 100% take care of myself. I do wonder what it would be like to have someone "take care of me"...but I'm guessing I will only find out if I end up in a nursing home. Let's hope I never find out. And so, I will close this by saying; in the end, you only have yourself....so take care of your precious self well.
