Saturday, April 8, 2017


i had lunch with a friend the other day, and she asked me how I was doing.  I honestly didn't know how to answer that question.  At that moment...I was good.  10 minutes prior, not so good.  Every day is a roller coaster.  I think that is pretty normal in everyone's life.  I know it always has been in mine.  Now, it's just A LOT bumpier, and the twists and turns are way more dramatic.

I need to publicly apologize for my comments the other day, regarding my conversation with a friend, and "what not to say to someone going through a divorce".  I know he was just trying to be helpful.  I was a bundle of nerves that morning, as it was right before my scary dr. appt, and I was already feeling anxious and ready to break down.  I never meant to insinuate that his comments were "dumb".  Just that I wasn't in a frame of mind to be reminded about the trauma that was ahead of me.

Another friend also pointed out that my blog has become a pity party for myself.  This was never my intention.  Part of me regrets ever sharing any of this "stuff" with....well, the world.  Honestly, the reason I did was twofold.  1. I would rather people hear it from me than from the rumor mill.  2. I truly don't want anyone to feel like they need to tiptoe around Mark and I, or the issue.  I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, or be unsure whether they could bring it up...etc.
I am sure there are many people who share this opinion...that what I write is very "me" based.  I guess that I didn't even look at it that way, because I have always written about my experiences, feelings, opinions, stories.  Clearly, I need to keep some of those opinions and feelings to myself.  I have always had a problem with the whole "keep your mouth shut, and don't blurt out whatever you are thinking" thing.
I don't write about this stuff so people will feel sorry for me.  I don't want anyone to pity me.  I made this bed...I own it, I'm living in it.  I just find writing to be a therapeutic outlet...and hope that maybe some of what I am going through will resonate with someone else who might be feeling the same way.  We are all human...doing the best we can.

Have I disclosed every detail of my saga?  Of course not.  I don't think that is necessary.  Do I feel responsible for the break-down of my marriage? Yes, I do.  Do I think it is 100% my fault? is never on the shoulders of just one person.  Do I think that Mark is the one deserving of everyone's support and sympathy? Absolutely. He just refuses to buy in to social you can't express that to him here, at least.  You certainly can in person.

I can say, with 100% certainty, that the issues that would eventually lead to the destruction of my marriage...or to any relationship I have had, began long before I was ever even in a relationship with anyone.  Mark always tells me I'm my own "self-fulfilling prophecy."  Unfortunately, the things the were pounded into my head (and my heart) were not positive things.
As parents, we work with what we were given. Our parents set an example for us.  We either follow that example, or we use that example as what not to do.  My mom and I did not get along while I was growing up.  We were both far to strong willed and stubborn to ever see eye to eye.  And then there was my mouth....the one I couldn't control when I was mad.  It got me NO WHERE with her.  When she would get to the end of her rope with me...she would resort to saying things she knew would hurt me, just to shut me up.  Unfortunately, when you are a kid, those things tend to stick with you.  Funny how the nice things they say don't...but the bad things are branded on your brain.
The one that has stuck with me regarding relationships: "no man is ever going to love you." and "you will never be good enough."  I know she didn't mean those things now....but at the time, I didn't.
And so, in every relationship, I would wait for the ball to drop.  And, it always did.  And if it seemed to good to be true, I was convinced it was, and would self destruct. get the picture. It's easy to say hurtful things when we are mad.  In some respects, it was a good lesson.  I made sure to never let myself speak to my kids in the heat of the moment.  And if we did argue...I was so careful about thinking before I spoke. I hope that I never said anything hurtful that has stuck with them.  I think I will ask them about that the next time we are together.

And now, I am choosing to use all of my mistakes as lessons.  Trying to turn my regrets into knowledge.  I could sit here and condemn myself for stupid things I have done.  I could hate myself for tearing my family apart.  I could cower under the whispers and gossip, and allow myself to feel like a horrible person for choosing to move forward with my life.  I have to wonder how many people are looking at my situation, judging it, judging me.....while they continue to stay in an unhappy marriage.   Or they place all the blame for their unhappiness on another person, and won't  own their part in it.
NO ONE knows what really goes on in anyone's life, unless they are living it.  It is so easy to see what is presented in public, and assume that is reality.  I learned a long time ago that there are two sides (often very different sides!) to every story....and to judge someone truly is more about you than the person you are judging.
I have had many ups and downs in 21 years of marriage.  You sure learn a lot in that amount of time.
While it's sad that we got past the point of salvaging our relationship, I think we both know what we will do differently in future relationships.  There are some things that will be SO different for me.  The things that caused the greatest conflicts are the things I will never repeat.  There is something very refreshing about starting with a blank slate.  And also being at an age where you really know who you are, and what you want.  How does anyone know either of those things at age 23? I thought I did....I was wrong.
Am I trying to move on, and be happy? YES!!  Has that already happened...I am working on it. 🙄
I know that some people think that I am playing the victim, and that I have actually moved on with my life and am blissfully happy.  I am trying very hard to get there....but I am years from that coming to fruition.  In fact, at this point, I just have more drama and heartache in my life.  I'm quite certain you would find my picture next to the description of "hot mess" in the dictionary. 😑

I think I will be going back to writing stories about my kids and dogs for awhile.  I know I shouldn't care what people think.  I am not forcing anyone to read this stupid blog.  I write it because, for some reason, I suck at keeping a journal...and I think it will be fun to come back and read about what a disaster I was in my 40's. 😬
As far as me feeling sorry for I?  Some days...yes.  I think it is more scared than sorry.  It is also trying to adjust to what I thought was going to happen....and what really is happening.
I am just praying for the day that I wake up without a headache, I feel excited and motivated, I feel hopeful rather than hopeless, and I don't even feel the slightest urge to cry.  That will be my PERFECT day!!!

In closing, I apologize if I have ever written something that has offended you.  I am sorry if the resurrection of this blog has come across as a pathetic "woe is me" rambling.  I go on the record saying I AM 99.9% TO BLAME FOR THIS DIVORCE.  And I also apologize in advance if I lose my shit in front of you.  I currently have very little control over my emotional break downs (aka: crying, getting bitchy, crying,  did I mention crying?) 🙄
If you catch me on a good day, it is likely that I have either: taken three happy pills instead of two, added a shot of vodka to that water bottle I bring with me everywhere, already melted down in the car, and feel better now, or just don't give a shit about anything anymore!!  🤷🏻‍♀️
Have a great weekend. ❤️

Friday, April 7, 2017

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

I will begin by saying, I refuse to use this blog as a platform to pontificate about my political opinions...however, my heart is heavy tonight.  I fear for our country...for the innocent people who will be, and have already been casualties of the attacks this week in Syria, and for the future of this world.  I can't remember the last time I saw or heard positive news about good things happening in our country.  I worry about what we are passing down to our children.  😞

Moving on.  Today was going to be a good day.  I was feeling pretty positive about some issues that have been weighing me down.  I talked them out with the person I needed to work things put with, and left our conversation feeling a weight had been lifted.  I decided to really work hard on focusing my mind on positive thoughts.  It is amazing to me how easy it is to succumb to your own despair.  I can go from feeling fine one moment, and then with something as simple as a word or a question or even a facial expression, I crash.  It could be because I really need someone to acknowledge that I'm having trouble dealing with something....and I will try to spell it out for them, but they choose to either avoid talking about it, or they change the subject.  Sometimes, all you need is some reassurance that everything is fine...and it's all going to be ok in the end.  When you don't get that, your mind starts to conjur up "worst case" scenarios.  It is so easy to get lost in allow your mind to twist reality enough to make you feel inadequate or worthless.

So, today I started making a conscious effort to rid myself of the "stinkin thinkin"...,and for awhile, it worked.  Then I got a message from Mark.  Earlier in the day, I noticed on the computer that he had ordered a score for band that included a part for a female vocalist.  For the past three years, he has had me sing a number with a band he guest conducts.  I really look forward to it each year.
I sent a text, asking if he wanted me to do it again this year, so I could get it on my calendar.  He told me that while he would love to have me sing, he didn't think he could handle it emotionally, and this is an important gig for him.  Clearly I would be an unwelcome distraction.
It hit me pretty hard.  I think these are the things that will be the biggest struggle.  Having to give up all of the fun things we did in the same circles.  The fact that we are both musicians, living in a pretty small area...we both know all the same people, and are often involved in the same projects together.
In my mind, I didn't think this was going to be a problem.  Yes, it would be awkward for awhile, and sad...but all that really matters to me is that he is happy.  We get along so well, I just assumed that it wouldn't be an issue for our friendship to continue once we were in different homes.  I guess we are not on the same page in that respect, and it really makes me sad.   That is something I will never understand about divorce or break ups in general.  How do you go from spending years of your life with someone, and then one day just say "ok...we are done now.  Enjoy your life."  I can't do that.
I completely understand the need to draw that proverbial line in the sand, to establish boundaries, and to allow each person the time and space to heal.  However...I feel like you will always hold a piece of that person in your heart...especially if you have kids together.
Anyway, the realization that he doesn't seem to want to be a part of my life, or even for our paths to cross, once we are out of the house, made me feel very alone.  That is a feeling I need to figure out how to adjust to, as it has become pretty prevalent in my life lately.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I will inundate myself with positive quotes and books.  And I will try to remind myself that everything that gets said right now is most likely coming from a place of uncertainty and pain, so I can't let that affect my mood, or quite frankly, my well-being.
To say life keeps changing every day would be an understatement.  For now, I will just look for the little pieces of joy I can grasp onto, and cherish them.  But before that....sleep!  I need to stop procrastinating, and start writing these things before 11:30pm...because before I know it, it's 12:30, and that is WAY too late for me.
Enjoy your Friday!! ☺️

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Dogs and frogs

So, it's 10pm...and as far as I know, I am the only one still awake.  However, I keep hearing strange sounds. Perhaps Mark decided to go downstairs and entertain himself on his trombone for a bit, rather than going to bed? 🤔 Or maybe Sam is in his room playing his piano?  Or perhaps Rosie has taken up a new instrument without telling me about it.  There is a snoring chihuahua laying next to maybe he is just making weird noises in his sleep that sound like random instruments.  It wouldn't be the first time today that I misinterpreted what I was hearing.  My refrigerator has been particularly noisy when making ice lately, and when the ice drops into the bin, it is very loud, and scares the crap out of me.  (Usually because I am here alone, and the house is silent, prior to the crash)
Tonight I heard a loud noise, and asked Mark if he heard it too...and then said "damn that fridge!"
He started to laugh and said "actually, that was my butt."  Lovely. 🙄

I got my eyes checked today.  My glasses broke a couple weeks ago, so I have been wearing my "spare pair" that are hard to see out of.  I knew it was coming...but was not thrilled when he told me I could opt for bifocals if I wanted them.  I informed him that my eyesight is PERFECT without my glasses when reading close NO THANK YOU!!!  (Lol..side note.....the ice just fell and scared the crap out of me again) 🙄  He kept trying to convince me that I would want them eventually, because I would get sick of having to take my glasses off to read.  I have been wearing the damn things since third grade.  I am THRILLED to take the stupid things off and feel like a normal sighted person for a few minutes while I read or text or whatever.  Silly man.

I drove home from my appointment completely dilated and blind.  Isn't it weird how some eye drops sort of make you feel like your brain is coming out your eyeballs?  The weird pressure that drives me crazy.  It also gave me a big fat headache.  Perfect for an evening of piano and voice lessons.  Rosie has been in rare form this week, when it comes to lessons.  She is always silly, but she has been ridiculous.  Ever since she was a little puppy, she has loved to lay on her back, and put her back legs up on a chair or whatever is near her, so she can relax.  I guess she sees me with my feet on an ottoman all the time, and she figures she can do that too.  During lessons, she props them up on the piano leg, or the pedals, or my student's feet.  She also loves to lay under the bench, stretch out, and take up as much space possible, so there is nowhere to put your feet if you are playing.  She could care less if she is in the way.  She was attempting to help me teach the art of using the damper pedal tonight during one lesson.  I would look down to watch how my student was doing,  and there were two furry paws between the pedals.  Clearly, she was helping my student master her technique.

She also loves to bring her stuffed animals over and squeak along to the music.
Tonight, one of my voice students was working on the music for her school play about a frog.  We started singing, and the next thing we knew, Rosie had found her stuffed frog, and was squeaking away on it, tossing it around and chasing it, and holding it in her mouth while watching us.  She played with the darn thing for most of the lesson.  I have to admit....the frog thing baffled me. She is currently obsessed with her new stuffed pig.  She drags that thing everywhere.  So, the fact that we said the word "frog" a few times, and then started singing about it made me wonder....does this dog understand what we are saying?? Does she know which toy is a frog?? 🤔 I guess I do always identify the animal when she is playing with it.  You know..."is that your froggie, Rosie?"  She has never responded "yes mother. I'm not an idiot." However, I am starting to wonder if she is thinking it.  😳

As for my daily shit storm, I am trying to find ways to cope with/manage/work through the things that are stressing me out the most.  I was talking to Mark about it a little tonight.  He is equally stressed out.  I think we are both overwhelmed with the reality of what is ahead of us, as far as getting this house ready to sell.  Even more stressful is the "what do we do once it does sell?"  It is starting to feel like finding a safe and affordable place to live is getting harder and harder.  We both feel terrible that we will be subjecting our son to the reality of moving out of a beautiful home, where he has an awesome bedroom, with a perfect set up for his computer, keyboards, and recording equipment.  He has his own bathroom, and a nice family room to watch movies with his friends....into most likely some crappy apartment or fixer upper house.  It shouldn't matter....but it does.  That's not what you want for your kids.

I have also been trying really hard to come to terms with other issues that are just not moving in the direction I thought they would be going.  I think that is one of the harder things to accept....when you have no control over some aspects of your life.  When what you want and what you get are two different things.  Or when you really believed in something, and put your faith in it, but you aren't sure that you will ever see the end result you hoped for.  So, I am trying to let go of the things I can't control.  When it comes down to it...the only thing I am in control of is ME.  And I have found that I am enough trouble to deal I really don't need to add anyone else to my list!

I think I will stick with teaching my dog to identify her animals.   I will most likely have a better chance at success at that than with all of the other things I'm attempting to accomplish right now!  😜
I will keep you posted on her progress. 😉

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Just Press Pause

Have you ever felt like your life was spinning out of control?  Where you would give anything to have a remote control (for your life, of course) with a giant pause button, so you could just stop everything for a little while, and catch your breath?
I do.
For the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling queasy.  If I eat, if I don't eat...just all day long.  I finally realized that I am just filled with so much anxiety these days, that it is making me feel sick.  I find myself worrying more about things that typically wouldn't bother me.  I just feel nervous and on edge all the time...and I hate it.  I long for the day when I will feel peaceful and content again.  I fear that is a LONG way off.
I'm a girl who loves a plan.  I still use a paper calendar, because I like to be able to write down everything that is coming up, and be able to see the month spread out in front of me.  If I don't have a plan, I'm worthless.  I'm sure this is why I thrive on chaos, and struggle with having too much time on my hands, and having to set my own schedule.  (Clearly!  Just ask anyone who has seen the state of disarray in my house.) 😬
It is no wonder that I am a hot mess right now, because I have NO plan at the moment, as far as what my future holds.  I don't think there is anything quite as terrifying as that. (At least for me.). Not knowing things as basic as "where will I live?" is a bit unnerving.
And then there are the "this is what I THOUGHT was going to happen" and the reality of what is really happening....that's a lot of fun as well. 🙄 It is in those moments when I berate myself for ever allowing myself to be hopeful, or to depend on anyone other than myself when it came to life changing decisions.  No disappointments.  I promise that I am just living this way for the time being.  I love being hopeful.  I have just found that hoping while in an already fragile state is not always a good idea.  It's a good way to get the wind knocked out of you. :-/

Mark informed me that he would be retaining the divorce lawyer tomorrow...and also set a date for when we would like to have the house ready to put on the market.  To say that those things didn't stab me in the heart would be a lie.  I sat at the kitchen table, looking around at my pretty home, and thought  "Wow. How did I get here?"  Many of my friends are building their dream homes now.  They go on great trips, they are looking forward to vacation homes when they retire.  I'm wondering if I will ever have a "home" again.  Will I ever make a home with someone again?  Will I ever be happy again?  Isn't that what we all want?  To just feel content and happy.  It should be such a simple thing.  I suppose we make it complicated for ourselves.  This must be why I love dogs so much.  They keep it simple.  If we all treated our loved ones like they do, I think everyone would be much happier.
Simply show pure joy and excitement EVERYTIME they walked through the door.  Act like you always want to go along when they are leaving to run errands.  Snuggle up on the couch with them, and stare at them adoringly.  Done. Easy. They have it all figured out.

I guess it is time for me to start "figuring it out."  I'm not sure where to begin.  I suppose dealing with this house is item number one, since it will literally take me months to clear out, sort, and pack up the ridiculous amount of stuff in here.  Who knows, maybe "clearing" this space will prove therapeutic, and will result in clearing my mind of all of the emotional baggage I am currently lugging around.  It's hard to morph into a strong, independent single woman when you feel like a depressed, pathetic lump everyday.  So, that is where I will begin.  Project Beth: Get Your Shit Together.  I will let you know how this insanity progresses. 😉

Monday, April 3, 2017

Just Breathe

Happy Monday!  It will probably be Tuesday when most of you read Happy Tuesday as well!  Aside from the fact that I have been so tired most of the day, I can barely's been a good day.  I got all of my binders organized for Holy Week, so I can stop stressing about that craziness (until it gets here).  I had dinner with a wonderful friend, and I got APPLE PIE BARS at Fayze's!!  Oh....and I don't have cancer. ☺️

I wasn't going to even write about this....but I have to believe it happened for a reason, and am feeling compelled to get this "out there" since it was something I had never heard of.
For the past month or so, I have had this strange "itching" sensation in one breast.  At first, I assumed it was just my bra irritating me.  Then I realized that not EVERY bra I owned could be irritating me in the same place, and why was it still driving me nuts when I wasn't wearing one? 🤔
I would lay in bed at night, and that little voice in my head (there are several....this one is my voice of reason, I think) kept saying "I wonder if something is going on in there...because this just doesn't feel right."  It was an itch that no amount of scratching could was on the inside...and it was really annoying.
Fast forward to last Thursday.  So, I record all the TV I watch.  This is why I never know what's going on in the world, nor do I know what people are talking about when they say "did you see that commercial?"  I skip over all of that, and just watch the show.  That's a lie.  I play the show in the back ground, and look at Pinterest or Facebook on my iPad.  Anyway, in a very rare turn of events, I watched Grey's Anatomy on the night it aired.  (This NEVER happens)  I paid little attention to the show, but happened to catch the PSA at the end about inflammatory breast cancer.  (I had never heard of it.). Some symptoms were redness, swelling and rash.
That night I was changing for bed, and caught my reflection in the mirror.  I had a horrible rash covering the area that had been driving me crazy for the past month.  I started researching this type of cancer, and found out that itching was another symptom, and found a pictures to compare to, and one was identical to my rash.  This form of cancer is often misdiagnosed, is very rare, and fatal.  Of course, I was terrified.
I went in the next morning, and my nurse practitioner was equally concerned.  She wanted a biopsy done immediately.  However, the breast surgeon wanted to do a scan first, which I had today.
Luckily, it came back clear, and all is well.  My rash started clearing up also, and the itch that has been bothering me for weeks suddenly went away.  I have no explanation for it.  The doctor had no explanation for it either.  I had lots of people praying for me....and I like to think that amazing things happen when prayers and positive thoughts are put into action.
I was wondering tonight, why did all of this happen?  I mean, why did I hear about those symptoms, then find that rash, and learn about this form of cancer I had not been aware of...yet come out just fine?  I have no idea....except maybe that I was supposed to tell the story, in case someone else was experiencing the same thing, but didn't know what to look for.  My friend told me that her co-worker had inflammatory breast cancer, and died within six months.  It's not something to mess around with, and it doesn't present the "usual" symptoms.

So, there it is.  My Monday excitement.  I'm so thankful it all turned out for the best, and I don't need to add "try to stay alive" to my "to-do" list right now.  I mean, I WILL try to do that, but at least I won't have a disease attempting to make that a lot more difficult for me!
I just have to say, I have gone through many days where I have felt so very alone over the past several months.  Days when I just lay on the couch, and wonder if I will ever be able to fill that emptiness inside.  Over the past week, since writing about all of my current craziness, and also something as simple as asking for prayers and positive thoughts....I have felt more love and support than I can begin to describe.  I finally realize that if you need just have to ask.  (I'm a slooooow learner!)
So, thank you, to everyone who has reached out to me with your kind words, your prayers, well-wishes.....everything.  It means the world to me. ❤️