Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Man or Beast?

Wed. September 10, 2014

A couple of nights ago, I was wrenched from a deep sleep by the pungent odor of rotten eggs, corroding my already over-sensitive nasal passages.  My first thought was "Oh my God!  We need to call Xcel Energy NOW!!"  My husband Mark must have sensed my subtle moans of disgust, followed by the jolt of movement toward my phone, and turned toward me.  I very calmly exclaimed "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!!"  His response: "Oh.  That is probably my butt.  Those mozerella sticks kinda did a number on me."  Then he rolled over and went back to sleep.  Obviously, this declaration made the odor even more upsetting, not to mention nauseating.  Seriously, how does this man expect me to get any sleep when he is invading my olfactory receptors in such a heinous way?
This leads me to the question: What is it with men and farting?
When my son was a toddler, it began.  The raucous laughter whenever the word "fart" or "poop" was uttered.  Now, I can understand a child finding this amusing, but the fact the the majority of the laughter was coming from his then 30-something father confused me a bit.
I honestly had my husband convinced that women did NOT fart for the first several years of our marriage.  I actually found this pretty hilarious.  One, that I pulled it off.  Two, that he actually fell for it.  I finally realized that it was soooo not worth my effort, and once I finally let one fly in front of him, and his response was a enthusiastic "GOOD OUT!!" I figured we had moved past the days of being demure.
I should mention that this was a huge step for me.  I vividly remember being a young kid (I would guess around 7 or 8) and I was visiting relatives on my mom's side of the family.  (This would be the "no holds barred" side of the family.)  I accidentally let one rip, and their response was to laugh at me.  I was absolutely mortified, and I locked myself in the bathroom for a very long time, and cried.  I was horrified of ever drawing any sort of negative attention to myself.  I NEVER wanted anyone to laugh at me.  As you can see, this is still a HUGE issue with me. ;)
Back to the men.  Just the other day, I was sitting with my husband, and he burst out laughing.  After inquiring why, he went into a story about how earlier that day while talking to his colleague, the two of them used farts as punctuation at the end of their sentences.  Might I mention that this man is going to be 43 tomorrow?!  How is this completely acceptable behavior with men, but a faux pas when it comes to women?  And while we are on the subject, why do men's gaseous renderings tend to have such an amazingly strong and, well, room-clearing odor?  I won't even begin to talk about how long they spend in the bathroom...or the damage done while there.
In our home, a lot of the interesting odors that are floating around get blamed on the dogs.  Conveniently, both my husband and son are horrible liars.  Both can not lie without looking up to the right, and acting completely guilty.  Even my male dogs look guilty when asked if they were the culprit in the crime of "stinking up the house".
At any rate, I now know to check with Mr. Stinky before I call the gas company....and after almost 19 years of marriage, I can guarantee that 98% of the's NOT the dog.

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