The Icks

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Have you ever had one of those days when everything was just going along swimmingly, and then in the space of a second, you see (or hear) something that is like a punch to the stomach, and it takes your perfectly nice day down the drain?

It is, actually, slightly ironic that I am writing about this today.  My intention was to write about the things that make me happy!  I will save that for tomorrow. 

My day started of quite productively.  This is not typical.  It IS what I plan for each day, but rarely what actually happens.  Rather than sitting down and reading the paper, I cranked the tunes, (my dogs both cowered at the door until I let them out.  Apparently sitting outside on the deck was much more desirable for them.)  I cleaned the disaster of a kitchen my darlings left for me, and cleaned out the food that expired in June from the fridge. Now it sparkles, and there no questionable odors coming from it.  Then I got distracted and did something...but I have no idea what it was.  I think I may have actually read the paper.  Once back on track again, I actually organized my work space.  Now I have my most used files conveniently available to me, so I can shove papers in the designated spot, rather creating a heaping pile on my desk...which then spills over to the top of the piano.

See, all pretty again. Mark especially likes the pillow I made to match the chair's seat cover. 

(I promise, I'm getting to the "ick".)

I sat down at my now clean desk and got on Facebook.  As I was scrolling through, I commented on something funny one of my friends posted.  Then I saw it.  There it was...on that same post...a comment from HER.  It's been almost a year, and when I see her name, I still get that punch in the stomach.  I keep hoping that someday it will just go away.  But for now, it hasn't.  And I know it hurts because I still care.

Let me preface this by saying that I am only content when I feel that I am completely at peace with everything and everyone in my life.  Conflict takes a terrible toll on me.  If someone doesn't like me...I don't want to know about it.  If I have inadvertently hurt or upset someone, I want THEM (not their messenger) to come and talk to me, so we can resolve the issue.  It is not in my nature to ever hurt someone intentionally.  Unless they deserve it.  (Just kidding.  Kind of.)

I won't go into the whole narrative.  I will just say that this woman was someone whom I held dear to my heart for over 20 years.  Yes, we had our issues, but they only reared their ugly heads on a professional level.  She was always the dominant person in our friendship (I would guess in all her friendships.) For the most part, I acquiesced, and took the backseat.  Sometimes it bruised my ego a bit, but it was what it was.  As I have gotten older, I have realized that I need to claim my own self worth.  This is something that I am HORRIBLE at.  I think women in general struggle with it.  At my workshop last week we had to write "I want_______." and fill it in.  Write it over and over, and fill the blank with ANYTHING...the bigger the better.  I hated it, because it felt so greedy and egotistical.  I didn't feel like I was worthy of wanting things that were realistically beyond my reach.

Anyway, she did something that upset me, and I stood up for myself.  I then was chastised for it.  Let me assure you, I was never mean, out of line, or made any demands that were in any way exorbitant.  She then had some suggestions for me.  I merely proposed that she take her own advice to heart.  

I was then "unfriended" and have not been spoken to again.

Not that I haven't reached out.  I sent a birthday card. Nothing.  I sent a heartfelt message as I was approaching the city in which she lives, while on a trip last winter.  Nothing.

We have many mutual friends.  Many she has met through me.  I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt me when I see her sending them sweet and encouraging messages, and I have been banished from her kingdom. 

I know most of you are thinking "Honey....good riddance, you don't need that kind of "friend."  This is probably true.  What I do need, (want, I guess) is an explanation.  I think I deserve one.  I know it will never come, and I have accepted that.  So, now I continue to try and figure out how to excommunicate Mr. Ick. 

I suppose it's a lot like a break-up.  Like when you see your ex with another woman.  Only that tends to bring on even stronger emotions.  Yes, Mr. Ick surely shows up, but also Mr. I-Am-going-to-stalk-you-new-girl-who-will-never-be-a-replacement-for-me-and-he-still-loves-me-and-I-am-going-to-make-your-life-a-living-hell!!!  I strongly suggest you excommunicate Mr. Stalker FIRST, if he ever comes to visit. 

I am sure we have all been through trials with people we care about.  I have made it my goal to surround myself with people who really feed my spirit.  It's amazing how you really do feed off of each other's energy.  Negative energy is so powerful, and destructive.  The good thing is, you can see it coming from a mile away.  Positive energy is contagious, and I think that is the best way to heal the wounds that Mr. Ick has caused.  It's also important to remember that YOU are worthy of whatever it is that makes you happy.  So, I am off to do happy things, and show Mr. Ick the door.  Maybe next time he shows up, that punch to the stomach will hurt a little less. :)

Which leads me to this:

What REALLY makes you happy??

see you tomorrow! :)