Friday, April 7, 2017

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

I will begin by saying, I refuse to use this blog as a platform to pontificate about my political opinions...however, my heart is heavy tonight.  I fear for our country...for the innocent people who will be, and have already been casualties of the attacks this week in Syria, and for the future of this world.  I can't remember the last time I saw or heard positive news about good things happening in our country.  I worry about what we are passing down to our children.  😞

Moving on.  Today was going to be a good day.  I was feeling pretty positive about some issues that have been weighing me down.  I talked them out with the person I needed to work things put with, and left our conversation feeling a weight had been lifted.  I decided to really work hard on focusing my mind on positive thoughts.  It is amazing to me how easy it is to succumb to your own despair.  I can go from feeling fine one moment, and then with something as simple as a word or a question or even a facial expression, I crash.  It could be because I really need someone to acknowledge that I'm having trouble dealing with something....and I will try to spell it out for them, but they choose to either avoid talking about it, or they change the subject.  Sometimes, all you need is some reassurance that everything is fine...and it's all going to be ok in the end.  When you don't get that, your mind starts to conjur up "worst case" scenarios.  It is so easy to get lost in allow your mind to twist reality enough to make you feel inadequate or worthless.

So, today I started making a conscious effort to rid myself of the "stinkin thinkin"...,and for awhile, it worked.  Then I got a message from Mark.  Earlier in the day, I noticed on the computer that he had ordered a score for band that included a part for a female vocalist.  For the past three years, he has had me sing a number with a band he guest conducts.  I really look forward to it each year.
I sent a text, asking if he wanted me to do it again this year, so I could get it on my calendar.  He told me that while he would love to have me sing, he didn't think he could handle it emotionally, and this is an important gig for him.  Clearly I would be an unwelcome distraction.
It hit me pretty hard.  I think these are the things that will be the biggest struggle.  Having to give up all of the fun things we did in the same circles.  The fact that we are both musicians, living in a pretty small area...we both know all the same people, and are often involved in the same projects together.
In my mind, I didn't think this was going to be a problem.  Yes, it would be awkward for awhile, and sad...but all that really matters to me is that he is happy.  We get along so well, I just assumed that it wouldn't be an issue for our friendship to continue once we were in different homes.  I guess we are not on the same page in that respect, and it really makes me sad.   That is something I will never understand about divorce or break ups in general.  How do you go from spending years of your life with someone, and then one day just say "ok...we are done now.  Enjoy your life."  I can't do that.
I completely understand the need to draw that proverbial line in the sand, to establish boundaries, and to allow each person the time and space to heal.  However...I feel like you will always hold a piece of that person in your heart...especially if you have kids together.
Anyway, the realization that he doesn't seem to want to be a part of my life, or even for our paths to cross, once we are out of the house, made me feel very alone.  That is a feeling I need to figure out how to adjust to, as it has become pretty prevalent in my life lately.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I will inundate myself with positive quotes and books.  And I will try to remind myself that everything that gets said right now is most likely coming from a place of uncertainty and pain, so I can't let that affect my mood, or quite frankly, my well-being.
To say life keeps changing every day would be an understatement.  For now, I will just look for the little pieces of joy I can grasp onto, and cherish them.  But before that....sleep!  I need to stop procrastinating, and start writing these things before 11:30pm...because before I know it, it's 12:30, and that is WAY too late for me.
Enjoy your Friday!! ☺️

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