Sunday, August 6, 2017

The WaitIng

I am the queen of "waiting".  "I will wait until tomorrow to start that diet."  "I will wait until I'm feeling energized to tackle that disaster in the basement." "I will wait until I have some more money to take that vacation."   "I will wait until I am happy to live my life." You can see where this has gotten me.
There was a time when I didn't wait for anything.  When I knew I wanted something.....nothing could stop me from charging ahead and making it happen. (Well....okay, this NEVER applied to that damn diet....but other than THAT...)
As I got older, I let other people take the wind out of my sails.  If I shared my dreams with someone close to me, and they shot them down, or looked at me like I was crazy, I would find myself starting to doubt my thinking...doubt my abilities.  Obviously, if someone who loved me thought I was ridiculous for thinking about doing, well, whatever I was thinking about doing...that must mean I wasn't cut out for it, right?  At some point along the way, the girl who used to take those words of discouragement as a challenge to prove them wrong had turned into a woman who believed they were right.  And my self esteem began to plummet.  I would try to immerse myself in things that fed my soul.  I started doing shows again, performing whenever I could....anything I loved.  Ironically, my closest friends were rarely, if ever there to support me.  The experience did open my world to a whole new group of friends, however, for which I will be ever grateful...and it opened my eyes to the wonderful people in my life who are, and have been there for me through everything.

As I think back through all of this, I realize I have been searching....trying to fill a void.  And I have been waiting.  For years, that voice inside my head has been starting sentences with "when you are_________, then you will be happy."  You can fill in the blank with pretty much anything.  "Skinny, successful, single, married, wealthy, beautiful" etc.

A year ago, I decided I was done waiting, and I was going to finally take charge of my life.  It was the scariest thing I have ever done....but I forced myself to move forward, because I knew I had to follow my heart, or I would look back in 20 years and regret it if I didn't.  Initially, it felt like I was taking a huge step forward.  In reality, my life has been on hold for the past year....and continues to be.  Not because I want it to be, but because certain situations have caused it to be that are out of my control.
I can honestly say that being in a situation where I have zero control is probably the most difficult, frustrating position I have ever been in.  I NEED TO CONTROL MY LIFE!!! I NEED TO PLAN!!!
I need to know that Rosie and I won't be living in a van by the river next summer!! 😳😑

So, now I am faced with the dilemma: how long can a person wait before they start to lose themselves?  I am a pretty patient person, but there comes a point when you start to question everything.  At what stage do you give up the hopes and dreams of everything you wanted, because
you can't wait anymore?  Which is the better option: to break your own heart and move on, or to stick
 it out and wait for something that might never happen?

(Excerpt from) THE WAITING
Tom Petty

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
Don't let it kill you baby, don't let it get to you
Don't let 'em kill you baby, don't let 'em get to you
I'll be your breathing heart, I'll be your crying fool
Don't let this go to far, don't let it get to you

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