It's here...2019. I figured this was an opportune time to get this blog back up and running again. And, because I am a procrastinator, I am doing so on January 2nd, because I needed a day to adjust to the new year. And to lay around the house and do nothing. This is what I do best!
I feel like I should perhaps recap my year, as it has been a long while since I have posted anything. So here we go! By the way, I should maybe warn you that until I actually "Find My Bliss," this blog is going to be temporarily called "Telling It Like It Is." (As if it wasn't always...lol)
2018 was a complete and utter shit show. I though 2017 was a struggle! I had no idea that I was about to really get my ass kicked in 2018. But I did. And I really didn't enjoy it very much.
So, now I am living in an apartment alone with two dogs and two cats (because I find animals are a much better option than men) and am officially divorced. That glorious event took place on Friday the 13th of July. And no....not so glorious. It was sad...and I often question my decision, but that happens in moments of loneliness and worry. I know that I needed to make a change to feel content. Now I'm waiting for that feeling of contentment to happen.
Actually, I'm waiting for a feeling of ANYTHING to happen. I have been pretty much in a state of numbness for the past two years. I keep thinking that one day I will just wake up, and I will magically feel better, but I guess that isn't the way it works. I should also mention that while my divorce was a sad occurrence, Mark and I are great. We are very good friends, and we actually still hang out and talk regularly. It is a very healthy relationship, and there is no animosity between us. So no, I'm not trying to come to terms with my feelings about the divorce. I don't feel like I have lost him, because he will always be a close friend, and a part of my life.
I have struggled horribly with another relationship that has brought me great joy, and great pain...and it is what has made this transition so difficult. I have been in limbo for so long, and I feel like it has just sucked the life out of me. And that is all I need to say about THAT fricking disaster!
So, moving into the new year, I am trying to figure out how to get my mojo back. Being a single gal is NOT a fun or exciting thing to be at age 27. 😉 (or 46) It really has made me realize some things about myself, however. I'm sure you are dying to know what those things are....so here we go. (and yes, this is a very random list that really makes no sense. Welcome to my current world.)
1. I can handle any rodent that dares enter my domain. Thus far, I have battled three birds, two bats, and 15 mice. Guess who won every damn time. Oh yeah. I am woman....hear me roar.
2. I suck at being assertive and asking for help....but I can do it if I really need to. (And this is one of my goals for the year.....to add a little more "friendly bitch" to my persona....as well as the word "no". and maybe even "hell no!"
3. I love being alone, and I hate being alone. Being a person who suffers from depression....living alone is a blessing and a curse. Knowing I can sit here and not have to deal with anyone, and just snuggle with animals all day is awesome. However, it's also really bad, because (especially in the winter) I seriously never want to leave my house. Like seriously EVER. I would live on frozen waffles and crackers if it meant never having to leave my house.
When I see pics of happy couples on FB or Instagram, I get sad....because I want that again. Even when I was married, I felt like I was always out alone, because we never did anything together...so I am jealous of the couples who are always out having fun, and happy together.
To cope, I get more animals...because that should help. 🙄
4. I need to date a gay man. Who loves to cook. And keep a really tidy house...that is beautifully decorated. And who loves lots of animals. And naps.
5. I loathe the word "whore." I read it in a friend's post the other day (a post about Donald and his women) and I saw red. Not because i disagreed with what he was writing...but because woman are classified as whores or sluts....what about Donald and all the other men in the world? Why isn't there an awful word to describe them? Aren't they involved in this activity as well??? Aren't they typically the ones who INSTIGATE it?? or who are out looking for it?? I mean seriously!! Its even in the fucking bible!!! And this is a book written in a time when men had like 500 wives! Yet they are referring to the women as whores??? WTF??!! Seriously. I just can't even. This is my new beauty pageant platform. I'm going to run for Ms. "I am old and look like shit, and am going to f-ing beat the crap out of the next person that refers to any woman as a whore!!"
I feel better now.
6. I really do look like shit. This year has been rough on me, And I cut my hair, WHY WHY WHY?! I was smokin' two years ago! 20 lbs lighter, great hair, tan, happy!! I blame men (well, one specifically) 100%.
7. Motivation. I have ZERO. Today was my day to overhaul this house. I had two days last week that were also days to overhaul this house. It's now 3:30...getting dark....I haven't even eaten yet, much less started cleaning. (I DID bathe...you are welcome.) I really need to turn this around. I would happily curl up with all four animals and sleep my life away.
8. I watch the ID channel. Exclusively. How is that for happy and uplifting? I'm sure watching stories of true crime is exactly what I need to pull my out of my funk. 🙃
9. I am 100% aware of all the things I SHOULD be doing to make things better in my life. Eat better (or at all!) exercise, get outside, socialize, find fun activities I enjoy doing, take up a new hobby, on and on.....I AM the self-help guru. But sometimes, you just get so deep into that place that it's really hard to pull yourself out of it.
I'm taking baby steps, and working to rid myself of the crap that is holding me back. It really is pretty crazy how things that happen in your life can really mess you up. You start to actually believe you aren't good enough, or that you aren't worthy of love. And you put up that wall...your defense mechanism, and you make sure no one else can get in...because you refuse to get hurt again. You would rather be alone than risk more heartache. Or you hold onto hope that something you know is hopeless might somehow turn around and magically work out the way your imagined it would...even though you know that it never will.
The mind is a powerful thing, and it seems to be so much easier to latch on to the hurtful, negative things, than it is to believe and hope that there can be better things ahead.
I know several people who have been walking this same frustrating journey with me. Several have come out on the other side with a very happy ending. I'm really hoping that I find mine someday. I would be happy to just have a day that I felt joy and didn't cry. My sweet little kittens have been helping with that. If only they could take all the bad stuff that still lingers away. Animals are the best therapy though....at least they always have been for me.
Here's to a new year, and new beginnings. And to hope. ❤️
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