All the Feels

Before I begin, I must disclose that there is a kitten currently throwing himself all over my computer keyboard in an attempt to get my undivided attention.  God only knows what will now transpire.
Onward.

There were a lot of things I didn't know before the internet.  Or maybe, I knew them, but didn't have the terminology for them.  I always knew I felt things deeply, but as I got older, I began to realize just HOW deeply.  It was beyond the normal realm of just "feeling".  It was like I would actually absorb the moods and the emotions of the people around me.  And the intensity of my compassion for animals did not necessarily mesh well with the realities of growing up on a farm.  I had to endure way too many cats getting hit by cars, or injured by farm equipment than I could handle.  Our dogs lived outside most of the time, and I wanted them wrapped up in blankets and wearing sweaters in the winter.  Most of the people around me saw these creatures as just "animals," but to me, they were my lifeline.  My babies.  My best friends.  And to lose them was to have my heart broken.

I started reading up on astrology, and learning more about my "sign" when I was in college, and soon came to realize that I am a Pisces, through and through.  There is the "artsy and creative" part....but even more so, the moody, emotional, indecisive,"would rather exist in a dream than in reality" side.  And in my exploration of "who the heck am I" I finally discovered the term I needed to add to my vocabulary: empath.  And things began to make sense.  This is why I can't spend too much time around negative people, because I start getting pulled into that darkness.  This is why I feel devastated when something bad happens, even to someone I don't know, or elated at someone else's joy.  But taking on the feelings of others is not all there is to it.  It also involves feeling "too much."  I often find myself in an "all or nothing" state of mind.  And I'm not sure if I'm capable of feeling complete ease or contentment, because there is always an underlying sense of worry.  This is also something that has increased with age, and with each difficult experience I go through.  I find it impossible to just "let go" and relax.  I was sitting with a friend a week or two ago, and I thought I felt relaxed and was acting "normal."  He looked over at me and said "okay....you need to breathe in and count to four....you are a mess!" 😬 I wonder what I look like when I'm actually feeling stressed.

I have also realized over the years that I have a overwhelming desire for a "Better Homes and Garden Life" which, of course, morphed into a "Pinterest" life.  I have a gazillion boards for all of my future homes (and all of the scenarios I might find myself in....."Empty Nest Planning," "A Place Just for Me," "Love Nest," "My Next Chapter"....on and on.) There is also a board titled "Birthday Cakes."  My 5 year old niece Pearl, whom I share a birthday with, spent several hours pursuing the site last weekend, and pinned approximately 127 cakes that we will be baking for our birthday.  It started out with chocolate cakes from heaven, and ended up with rainbow colored Disney princess nightmares.  She would watch the "how to" video, decide if it was an acceptable recipe, and if so, would declare "We are DOING IT!!" and would pin it.  Now, every time I go on Pinterest, my feed is filled with Disney princess cakes and cupcakes.  Yay me!

Where the hell was I going with this?  Ah, yes, my perfectly perfect life.  That is what I crave.  A magazine existence.  Only I'm too lazy and tired to actually make that happen.  So I end up feeling inadequate, and then I get overwhelmed, and wonder where I went wrong, and my house gets cluttered, and looks like an episode of Hoarders rather than Country Home, and I just end up taking a 3 hour bubble bath, or going back to bed, because really, are there any other options?!
The ironic thing is that once I actually start getting organized and getting the place cleaned up and lovely, I am SO HAPPY!  And I feel so much more content and energized.  But it is finding the energy and the motivation to get there (and stay there) that is always the problem.

My sister is the energizer bunny.  And I'm not kidding.  She once told me "if the sun is out, I feel guilty sitting down."  Other words of craziness uttered from her lips "I'm pretty obsessive about sticking to my exercise routine."  Here is my question: How are we genetically connected, and I got NONE OF THAT??!!  It just doesn't seem right.  And it has ALWAYS been this way.  We used to share a bedroom, and I would stay up half the night reading, and never want to get up in the morning, while she would be up and raring to go at the crack of dawn.  She is up at 5am so she can work out before teaching all day, and then she teaches dance at night.  I often struggle to get to the 11:00 class I play for on time.  A morning person I am NOT.  Actually, a DAY person I am not.

Back to my empath issues.  (Welcome to my current state of mind.  We shall call it chaos and confusion.) Many of you know that I have had some issues with mice lately.  This is new territory for me.  I am not a fan of rodents.  I distinctly recall the few times in my life when I have dealt with them.  All of them involved me jumping onto high pieces of furniture, and screaming.  Lots and lots of screaming.  And feeling certain that I would never walk on the floor again.
I'm not even sure how I noticed I had visitors in my house....I must have noticed the mouse poop.  There is nothing quite as heartwarming as finding piles of mouse shit all over your kitchen....and realizing that you should really pay closer attention, because they have probably been dining on your dog food for several weeks now.  These little bastards had even been up on my counters.  Now that is just disgusting.  So, I called my ex-husband, and being the great guy he is, he came over with some traps and set them for me.  I caught one that night....and he came back over to empty it.  Then I started catching them like crazy, and I realized I could not rely on a man to empty my traps anymore. ,I am now up to 16 (or is it 17?) mice....two of which were still alive when I found them in the traps....and I have yet to scream even once.  Instead, I have conversations with them....and I feel sorry for them.  Because I am now THAT person.  The one who starts questioning why mice are bad and spread disease.  Why can't they just be nice little animals that live under the cupboards and eat the peanut butter we put out for them?  When they aren't running and scaring the crap out of you, they really are cute little things....and the little baby ones I have been catching, well, Ms Empath is feeling pretty awful about snapping their little necks.  And this is another instance where my "condition" may not serve me well.  It didn't take me long to go from "I'm going to take down these little monsters!!" to "I'm so sorry for killing you, cute little mousie!"

So this is another item on my list of "things to figure out."  Getting rid of the mice, clearly, but more importantly, setting healthy boundaries for myself and my feelings/emotions/insanity (because it has started to feel like insanity.)  Being ok with things not being perfect, and figuring out how to just let go of the need to control everything in my life, and allow myself to feel happy and content....just because.
I think we are always looking ahead to the next big thing.  The next special event, or occasion to look forward to.  We are always waiting for something exciting to happen, or feel like we can only celebrate significant occasions.  I know that is how I feel.  I don't take the time or remember to look at each day as being something special.  I feel like I always need to have something to look forward to, and when I don't, I feel sad or like I'm missing out on something.  I think its just a shift in mindset that needs to happen.  When I think about the people I know who always seem happy and joyful, they are the ones who just enjoy life everyday.  They celebrate the little things, and are grateful for each day they have.  It is much too easy to get wrapped up in all the crap life throws at us.  I know that is where I'm at right now.  I'm still lingering in the "how is this really my life now?" frustration.  My goal for this year is to pull out of that, and be happy with what I have (even though my cats are destroying half of what I have as I type) and figure out how to create a life that I look forward to waking up to every day.