Cursed

I had my first psychic reading this past summer.  I was on a weekend getaway with my girlfriends, my divorce had just happened, and it was time.  This trip called for a psychic reading and a new tattoo.  Both were somewhat traumatic.  The first thing she said to me was "I sense such overwhelming sadness within you."  Yep.  And then: "I can see that the most important thing in your life is love....but it always seems to be just beyond your reach."  Again...yep.  This went on for 30 minutes.  She told me I needed to come back again the next day.  She needed to meditate about my situation, because she sensed that there was a lot more going on here.  Well, yes, clearly.  When I returned, she informed me that in her meditation, she revealed that in a past life, I had befriended a man.  He was a person whom everyone ignored.  Always on the outskirts of society.  Yet, I was kind to him.  I treated him with compassion.  And because of this, he loved me.  And then, I met my soulmate....and this angered him greatly.  All of the affection he felt toward me turned to hatred, and he sought out the help of two women, and they cursed me.  And this curse would follow me through all of my future lives.  It would cause sadness and grief in my life, and affect those who I loved.
Needless to say, this was not what I wanted to hear.  Especially, considering the fact that it felt pretty accurate.  I have always rooted for the "underdog"...so it wouldn't surprise me if I would befriend someone who others scorned.  I have always tried to be kind to everyone.  Go figure, it would result in me being cursed for all time. 🙄

I'm sure most of you are reading this and rolling your eyes.  It seems ridiculous to me also.  However, there is that part of me that has always wondered why, throughout my life, I have had this underlying sadness that I can't escape.  I'm sure it's just a chemical imbalance...but I have to admit...the last few years have really made me question a lot of things.  I am currently in the darkest place I have ever been.  Every single day, I try and figure out what happened.  How I got here.  Why this is happening, and why I can't pull myself out of it.  I know that some of it is a result of self-sabotage.  It's interesting how things start to become clear after the fact.  I look back, and see how, rather than living in the moment and enjoying life, I worried about what I thought was inevitable.  I was always "waiting for the ball to drop" and would often end something good in an effort to protect myself from eventually getting hurt.  I don't recommend this.  At all.  Yet I find myself questioning why, when it comes to love and relationships...nothing ever seems to fall into place for me.  It's like it is always just beyond my reach.  And when I do have it...I don't trust it, or I don't believe that it will last (in other words, I know he will leave me) so I self destruct.  I want the fairy tale...but I never find the happily ever after.  At this point in my life, I feel so broken and damaged that I almost wonder if I'm better off alone, because I think it would take some serious therapy and complete brainwashing to get me to a point of feeling secure and happy enough to trust in a healthy relationship again.

Ironically, it has been the reaction of other people that has really thrown me into a very messed up mind-set when it comes to dating.  Before my divorce was final, I brought a date to a family wedding (this was many months into our divorce process) and was feeling good for the first time in a LONG time.  I was excited for my family to meet him, and though it was going to be a great time. HA! Little did I know that the aunt and uncle that I had been closest to my entire life would completely shun me, and when I tried to introduce them to my date, they wouldn't even look at him.  I attempted later, during the reception, to engage with them again....no go.  And that evening when they were leaving, they came to say good bye to my sister (whom I was standing next to) and walked away without looking at me or saying a word to me. They haven't spoken to me since.  I saw my aunt at my mother's funeral a month ago.  She sat by Mark's parents.  She talked to Mark and my kids, but she didn't say one word to me. WTF?!!!!
I considered trying to talk to her, but realized that I had already done that at the wedding.  She had drawn this line.  WHO DOES THAT?!  What did I do to her?  Absolutely nothing.  I have been so hurt by this that I don't even have the words to describe it.  I'm also angry.  Family is supposed to support you when you are going through hard times.  They are supposed to be there for you.  She never once asked how I was doing.  Ever.  She actually wrote Mark a letter (I just recently found this out) saying that I "blindsided her at the wedding...and she had "no idea what was going on."  Interesting, considering I had told her about the guy I was bringing just a few weeks before at the bridal shower. Hmmm.
She wasn't the only person who treated me this way.  (Though I would say this was the most extreme, especially considering it was a family member.) I did have others who sent nasty messages, or completely cut off communication with me, because they didn't approve of me trying to move on.  Did I make mistakes, of course I did.  Did I do own up to them? I sure tried to.  I guess that is where I went wrong.  I decided to not go into hiding, and I attempted to live my life with honesty.  I did not publicize my new relationship on facebook or social media.  I have never done anything to intentionally make anyone feel uncomfortable.  However, I was judged harshly, (and I took all of it) and it continues to affect me today.  I have now been divorced for 7 months, and I feel like I can't go out on a date.  It feels like I'm doing something wrong.  I don't know that I will ever feel comfortable bringing someone new to a family function, because of what happened the last time I did.  I never want to put myself or someone else through that again.  I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy.  I feel like, unless I am with Mark, I'm not supposed to be with anyone else...because everyone loved him, and no one else will ever measure up.  How do you bring someone new into a situation knowing that everyone is thinking "I really wish Mark was still here."  I feel like I have let everyone down.  I screwed everything up.  No one seems to be thinking "we are so glad that Beth seems to happy!" Or "I really hope she finds a great new guy!"  I just feel like a complete failure.  The people who I hoped would just be happy for us trying to find our way only seem disappointed.  Let down.  Its an awful feeling when you already are so alone and miserable, and you wish that you would meet that person who makes everything feel good again, but you know that there really aren't very many people who will be genuinely happy for you if you do.

Valentine's Day has always been my favorite holiday.  For one, it's not a religious holiday, so I'm not stuck working at church for it.  Secondly, it usually involves chocolate. And its all about love....which (unfortunately) is pretty much my favorite thing.  God help me.  This year may be the first year without a "Valentine."  I'm stuck in rehearsals all night, so it doesn't really matter...but I think I will still plan a love fest for me and my fur babies when I get home.  Maybe some special treats for all of them, and chocolate covered strawberries and a movie for me.  And if anyone knows how to break curses from past lives....please let me know!  I'm ready for something good to happen....it has been WAY TOO LONG!!!