Strawberries and Snowbanks

I suppose I should admit that I didn't quite accomplish goal #1 yesterday.

I seem to be falling under the "needs an excessive amount of sleep" category these days.

In fact, I just woke up from a little siesta on the couch that occurred when I tried to stay up long enough to watch the 2 hour season finale of "Major Crimes" that I had taped.

(Considering it is now 1am...I'm kind of guessing that I might not achieve the whole "get out of bed before 10" thing again today either.)

~

Fortunately...the fact that I'm a lazy bum in the mornings did not hinder my ability to be productive on my one day of freedom this week.

Oh yes....I was a little worried that my Monday would be yet another day in the long list of "where did my day go?" wasted day pile...but instead, I gave myself a little pep talk, and got to work.

I decided that I was going to tackle the rest of that darn laundry/craft room disaster.

And oh, what a disaster it was.

After seven hours of sorting and organizing and throwing and cleaning and moving and wanting to throw myself in a snowbank....I am almost done.

(Pictures to follow.)

Ugh.

~

But....it will all be worth it when it's finished, AND...this happened!

(Mint oreos, dipped in chocolate.)

This is what happens when I send my daughter to get groceries, and say "if there is anything delicious you think we just have to have...pick that up too."

But...what made life worth living (and what I could honestly live on, happily, forever:) is this!

I have eaten WAY too many of these....and I am soooo okay with that.

The girl might not win any awards in the "good at cleaning up after herself" dept....but when it comes to making crepes or covering things in chocolate, she gets an A+.

I will say, Lexie has gotten a little too big for her britches, and has left a sign in the fridge that says we are supposed to "ask her before eating any strawberries."

Yeah.  Ok....I'll get right on that.

~

And...for further entertainment, my dog has been reverting back to puppy behavior.

When he was little, he used to love to dig holes in the dirt during the summer, and run around like a maniac in the snow every winter.

Now, he is almost 9, and fat and lazy.

(Gee....must take after his mother!)

However, in the past week or so, he has started to go outside, stick his face in the snow, and dig and act like a total goof ball.

Then, he comes back in, and looks at us (with his snow covered face) like

"What? What are you looking at?  I wasn't doing anything..."

We always give the dogs a tiny little treat after they go outside and do their business.  Of course, Cooper (who is ALL about eating, now that he weighs about 15lbs more than he should) will also bark to go out, stick his face in the snow, turn around, come back in, and sit and wait for a treat.

I have to tell ya...it's hard to say no to that face.

~

I hope your Tuesday is terrific.

I am going to get some sleep...so I can take on Tuesday, and hopefully get started sooner rather than later.

Baby steps....but maybe today, I will try some medium sized steps. 

:)

Starting Again

Another Monday.

We all know I like my Mondays.

However, this one starts a three week cycle of crazy....so I am not quite as thrilled about it as I typically am.

I would have been perfectly happy with a whole month of "not-so-crazy" after the insanity of December, but I guess that is not to be.

One positive is that I have burned through all of the "Castle" episodes I had DVR'd....so that little distraction is gone.

This will definitely help me be more productive...(unless I find something else to distract me.)

Mark and I were discussing the interesting phenomenon of the passage of time.

When we were kids....time dragged on like nobody's business.

Having a whole day to play outside allowed you any number of wild adventures.

A school day felt like a whole week's torture (even more so when I was teaching!!) ;)

But now....I wake up, get ready, and suddenly the day is half over.

If I get involved in any sort of project (or Castle episode(s)) I can sit down at 1:00, and suddenly the kids are walking in the door after school, and it's starting to get dark out.
(And I wonder why my jeans are all getting too tight.  Duh.)

Where does the time go?

I can easily lose an entire day, and have accomplished nothing more than emptying the dishwasher and making dinner.
(And that dinner might consist of a frozen pizza and steam fresh veggies...fresh from the microwave.)

How does that happen?  Especially when I have been running around all day...which means I have been busy, right?

I must be really good at keeping busy, but getting nothing done.

I have such enviable talents, don't you think? :-/

~

Well, one of the things I like about Mondays is that it gives us a chance to start over again.  Lord knows I can always use a fresh start.
So, rather than solving all of the world's problems in the next seven days, I think I will attempt to just get a grasp on some of the things that will make my life a little easier.
For instance, finishing up the laundry/craft room....so I have a place to move the stuff from the spare bedroom that will soon become the "work-out room."
We finally bought a treadmill (it is currently in a huge box, sitting in our back entry area, making it almost impossible to actually squeeze through that area, much less attempt to do anything like carry backpacks or groceries in from the garage.)

Handy and convenient, right?

Mark's back is still hurting, so your guess is as good as mine, as far as when we will actually get the darn thing downstairs.
Maybe that is a good thing...because I would like to get rid of the horrible wolf wallpaper border that is currently gracing that room, not to mention painting the  rather dreary dark blue walls. (They coordinate so beautifully with the hunter green carpeting.  I kid you not when I say that the prior owners had very nice, light, neutral carpet installed throughout the lower level....except in the "wolf room."  There, they decided to match the walls and carpet to the lovely "north woods wolf" border, hence the blue walls and green carpet.
(Don't you worry...I will post before/after pics.)
Of course, the carpet is in perfect condition, so I can't justify ripping it out.
We also found pink and white sponge painting behind the refrigerator in the kitchen.
I should mention that the kitchen has maple and cherry cabinets, and black and gray speckled granite countertops....and this is an open concept home.

Here is a pic...just so you can try to imagine pink and white sponge painted walls. 
~
Who would EVER spongepaint the kitchen pink??
I wonder if they had Strawberry Shortcake curtains?
Some people should just not be allowed to decorate.
Ever.
We won't even discuss the wallpaper we stripped in all the bathrooms.
~
Anyway...since I am taking baby steps...I will keep my goals reasonable.
So....here it is:
Monday's goal:
Wake up before 10am.
Hey, what can I say?  If I accomplish this...who knows, maybe I will even move on to goal #2! (Once I figure out what that is.)
The key is to just keep moving forward.....even if it's teeny tiny baby steps, 
right?!

:)

Have a great Monday!

Information Devastation

I often wonder how cutting myself off from all forms of media would affect me.

I will admit, I am a Facebook addict.

(I am currently looking for a 12 step program in my area for that.)

Typically, I just like to catch up on what people are doing,

and quite frankly, without it...I wouldn't have reestablished friendships, or forged new ones with about 80% of the people I currently "chat" with there.

It's addictive qualities are somewhat detrimental, but it also 

serves a very positive purpose in many ways.

~

I have subscribed to our local paper for quite a few years now. (I will admit, I have decided to cancel my subscription, considering the fact that a 13 week subscription has gone from $63ish dollars to $100 in a two year period.)

Yikes.

My husband typically turns the local and world news on every evening, so I end up watching that as well.

And, of course, over the course of several years, my inbox has become flooded with daily notices from any number of places, filling me in on all the latest happenings in the world...good and bad.

~

I am starting to wonder: Am I over-informed?

~

I will certainly be the first to admit I am not over-educated.

When it comes to all of the crazy government based, political insanity that is constantly occurring...I am clueless.

I always tell Mark to let me know if there is something I should be aware of.

Otherwise....I find that sometimes it's just best to be blissfully unaware.

Especially when you have a personality like mine.

I am waaaay to sensitive...and I tend to take on the "energy" of the people and things that surround me.

I honestly think it's the pisces in me.

I don't know if you are into all of that zodiac mumbo jumbo...but for me, EVERYTHING that I have ever read as a typical "pisces trait" fits me to a tee.

Heck, I even have a pisces symbol tattooed on my back.

When my mom was living with me, I would always get ready while she was in the tub.  EVERY SINGLE DAY, she would see my tattoo and say "Oooh! You have one of THOSE?!!" (Like I had a huge swastika splattered across my back.)

It was pretty funny.

~

ANYWAY....having 24/7 access to the media, and the fact that everywhere you look, every atrocity occurring around the world is being shared, really starts to wear on you...and perhaps even change who you are.

~

For me, I think it has really opened my eyes to just how bad things really are.

Sure, I watch CSI and Criminal Minds, as well as true crime shows like 48 Hours.  I have never been blind to the unbelievable things humans do to one another.

However, it is the animal cruelty that has really hit me between the eyes.

Of course, I have always known it exists...but when I see photos, or, God forbid, videos (I can't watch them...I did once, I'm scarred for life.) of what people are actually doing every day to these poor defenseless creatures...it has really flipped a switch in me. (for lack of a better term.)

It has unleashed an inner rage that I haven't felt before.  A desire to take down anyone who would cross that line...and to protect any animal in danger.

~

I was talking to my co-workers at church about it one day.  I told them that I was 100% about getting an "eye for an eye" law passed when it came to animal and child abuse.  "You throw a dog into a vat of boiling water, and then skin him alive....well, guess what will happen to you?!"

(This was right before Christmas) Deacon replied, "Wow Beth, you are really getting in the Christmas spirit, aren't you?!" 

I suggested he offer to write the homily for the weekend that the reading about "an eye for an eye" came up....and I could assist, of course. ;)

 I might veer off topic ever so slightly.....well, biblically speaking.

I am still waiting to get an answer from him about that.....

~

I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about the things I have read and pictures I have seen.

It makes me wonder...is it better to be aware of these things...or was it better when I had a much smaller knowledge of the reality of it?

Back then, it would make me really sad to think about animals out in the cold...or animals who didn't have a home.

Now, I get these e-mails from Peta...or see stories on FB...and I sob, and then I want to go hunt down the abusers, and literally subject them to the same fate as the animals they have hurt or killed.

(I should mention....hurting/killing typically isn't the norm for me.)

~

The other issue:  What can I do?

There are small things I can do....but it makes me crazy that I don't have the power to actually make these things stop.

~

Yesterday in the paper, there was a story about 22 ponies being abandoned since September.

Neighbors and others had notified the local humane office that they were concerned for the animals welfare.

The last contact the humane office had with the owner was in November.

These animals have endured a minimum of 2-3 months with no food, water or shelter.  (One died)

They have now been rescued and are with other families.

The article made the humane officer out to be the hero in this story.

Here is my question.

Why did it take the humane officer 2 MONTHS to address this problem?

She even stated that "You can tell that there are a lot of animal and horse lovers in the county.  I had quite a few folks get ahold of me."

I am still scratching my head here....2 months??

(Criminal charges are being pursued against the owner, by the way.  We won't even talk about my feelings towards her.)

~

I DO receive lots of positive news in my "inbox" as well.  

I purposefully subscribe to anything that will send me stories which help to restore my faith in humanity.

I have to balance things out, you know.

I also try to watch every cute and funny animal video that I come across....to help block out all of the sad and horrible ones I have seen.

~

Wouldn't it be great if there was a paper in print that only told GOOD news?

(And I don't mean the bible)

I would love to go to my mailbox each day and find a paper filled with inspirational stories of wonderful, positive things that are happening around the world.

I have to wonder...would things change if the media made a conscious effort to flip the current ratio of bad/good news.

When I watch the world news, there is typically 28 minutes of bad news, and then a 2 minute story about something good to wrap things up.

What if the news consisted of a 5 minute recap of the events of the day (just to keep us updated...and of course, most of the events would probably be bad.) and then the other 25 minutes would be dedicated to stories of the good things happening around the world.

It would be interesting to see if being surrounded by good would change our outlook.

I can say with 100% certainty that my exposure to negative information, hurtful and abusive stories and photos, and, quite frankly, the reports of the atrocities that are occurring in our world everyday have caused me to question whether or not the human race is capable of compassion and kindness anymore.

Obviously, I know that there are so many good and loving people out there.

It is just that the bad has become so overwhelming, and so commonplace.

I believe the fact that we are inundated with it on a daily basis makes it feel like there is more bad than good....and it becomes our reality.

I have to believe that if we switched it around....and were constantly surrounded by reminders of good, rather than bad,

the good would become our reality.

It would be what we thought about, and talked about, and felt everyday.

I think it would turn our world around.

~ 

We have the world at our fingertips.

TV's, computers, cellphones, ipads, ipods....we are constantly plugged in to everything that is happening around us.

But if all that was taken away....maybe we would be able to slow down and really notice all of the good things that are happening every day.

I know that giving up Facebook is probably too steep of a sacrifice for me. (It is sort of my lifeline to the outside world, since I tend to hibernate during the winter.)

However, I might start forgoing the evening news.

Maybe I'll dig out those old "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books.

I am going to brainstorm a bit about how I can singlehandedly save all of the animals in the world, and take down their abusers (without being sent to prison.)

For today, however....I think I will just focus on good things.

The Blues

This time of year is typically pretty rough for me.

I'm sure a lot of people struggle from the same affliction.

I always wonder if I would be more even keeled if I lived in California...or Hawaii.

I think yes...especially if I were independently wealthy, and could just enjoy a leisurely life on the beach.

~

However, reality doesn't seem to be offering that option up, so I will stay here in the frozen tundra, attempting to pay off this ridiculous mortgage until I'm 90.

~

Considering the fact that I have accumulated my own library of 'self-help' books, not to mention the fact that I used to go to a therapist on a pretty regular basis, because I LOVED to talk with her, and would walk out of her office feeling like this empowered woman who could take on the world, I have become really good at analyzing myself.

Too bad I didn't figure all of this out about 20 years ago...but I suppose it's a good thing I'm finally getting a grip on it now.

Obviously, there is always a crazy, stress-filled build up prior to Christmas.

Being an adrenaline junkie, I thrive on that.  (Not as much now, but I used to LOVE the crazy chaos of it all.)

Typically, it would start in October, and go through December.

So, when January arrived, it felt like a big let-down.

And that's when the blues would set in.

I think this has gotten worse since I quit teaching.

Even though I always dreaded going back to work after Christmas break...at least I had something that was keeping me busy.

Now...I have quite a bit of down time, and I am noticing some patterns that have occurred in the past.

~

During the last couple of winters, I fell into the "black hole" (as I refer to it) and really struggled to get out.  

It's that place where you have no desire to do anything.

I literally would stay in my bed all day, and the only thing that got me out of there was knowing Mark was on his way home from work, and I didn't want him to know that I never got out of bed that day.

My friend would call and try to get me to go out with her to lunch...or anything...just to get me out of the house.

I always came up with an excuse.

I just wanted to sleep...or watch tv.

I didn't want to leave my room.

I only left the house when it was absolutely necessary (like I had to go to work.)

Otherwise, I was completely worthless.

The worst part was my husband had no idea what was going on.

He just thought I was being super lazy, and not doing anything to help out around the house.

He never knew how miserable I actually was.

Obviously, he either wasn't paying much attention, or I'm a really good actor.

~

It took a long time to work my way out of that hole.  Once you are down there, it's hard to get out.  It's hard to find the energy to get out.

Needless to say...I'm scared of falling back in.

~

The other day, when my husband and I were having our "spat" I was not handling it well.  What should have been something that was just talked about and resolved ended up being a day long ordeal.

Then I came home later that night, and checked my e-mail.

I subscribe to "webMD" and there was an article entitled:

"Warning Signs of a Depression Relapse."

It listed 11 things to look for.

I was experiencing 10 of them.

Fabulous.

So, that set me off again.

(I should mention that, NO, I am not suffering from PMS.)

If I were ever going to audition for a soap opera, this would be the week to do it.  I could totally cry on cue.

But it's more than just sadness that hits me out of nowhere.

(Like when I'm watching Rehab Addict...the HGTV shows where Nicole Curtis rehabs old houses.  Yeah...bawled three times over that yesterday.)

~

Thursday afternoon, Mark had set up an appointment with an accountant for us.

It was our first visit, so I wasn't quite sure where the office was.

It was snowing, the roads weren't good, and of course, it starts getting dark at, what, noon?

Anyway, I went to the wrong place...(two buildings down) then turned into the wrong parking lot, right next door (because the plow had gone through, and you couldn't even tell where the actual lot entrances even were), and finally, ended up where I needed to be, 15 minutes late.

Normally, I would just have been a little annoyed and apologetic.

Instead, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown.

It took everything in me not to burst into tears, and completely lose it.

Okay.  This is not normal.

Luckily, we had a few minutes in the office alone before the guy came in to meet with us...so I was able to pull it together....but seriously?!

~

And then there is the matter of my new found inability to chill.

For the past couple weeks, I have been in crazy-person manic mode.

I can be perfectly happy, and things are going along fine, but one wrong word or action can just hit me the wrong way, and I snap.

I'm like the german shepherd who is nuzzling up against the child who is petting it, but one tug on my fur, and I bite your ear off.

Pleasant, right?

~

I am glad I can make light of it (I chose to wait until I was in a good mood to write today....I didn't want this post to be depressing to read too!)

and it's not as though I spend my entire day moping around the house crying.

However, when feelings of overwhelming sadness or hopelessness take over, it can be really scary.  Especially when you don't know why.

I was talking with Mark about this, and he asked if he was the cause.

(We do this all the time.  If the other is acting weird, we automatically assume that we were the one who caused it, because we must have done something wrong...right? Of course, sometimes he IS the cause...but I was nice and said no.

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't experience this on a regular basis what it's like for those "blue" feelings to take over.

I really try to find ways to deflate them, or focus on other things...but it doesn't always work.  

~

I was reading an article about the correlation between clutter and depression...and how clutter can actually trigger depression. 

(Which I believe 100%)

I know that if my space is a disaster, my mood and state of mind is too.

I never stay in bed all day anymore, because I now love the space I created in our living area.  It is calm and serene...which has made all the difference in the world for me.

My bedroom used to be that sanctuary for me.

I am really glad that has changed.

~

I will continue my baby steps.

Hopefully my organizing and purging will have an effect on my "blues."

The exercise room will hopefully be put together this weekend, which should also be a step in the right direction, as far as battling the seasonal depression.

If all else fails...I have a chocolate stash and a bottle of wine.

If you can't solve the problem, you might as well mask it for awhile, right?

Have a great Saturday!

The Dreaded List

Do you remember when you were a teenager, and how screwed up your sleep schedule would get over the summer, or even Christmas break?

(Assuming you had parents that allowed that to happen.)

As a teenager, I was at my happiest when my mother worked full time.

This meant she wasn't around to tell me what to do.

Like get out of bed.

She had magic powers, of course, and still was able to maintain control over her kingdom from afar.

Once I would drag my lazy butt upstairs (my sister Kris and I had the pleasure of sharing a bedroom in the basement.  More about that in a minute) there would ALWAYS be a list.

Did you grow up with "lists?"

I hated the list.

There were always several items that we house slaves were to have completed by the time she got home for lunch.

OR ELSE.

We always saved the "fold clothes" job until 11:00, when "The Young and the Restless" came on.

And we would drag those couple of baskets of clothes out for the entire hour.

Actually, it was more like we would sit and watch TV until we heard her car, and then yell "O crap!  Mom's home!  Pretend you are busy!!"

This was often accompanied by

"Oh crap!  Hide your pepsi!!"

(We weren't allowed to drink pop without permission.)

Now that I think about it...I don't think we were allowed to do anything without permission.

Except clean, of course.

My sister Kris was the keeper of the peace.  She was also a very good "list completer."  I would often bribe her with whatever I could come up with to get her to do my jobs too.

(To this day, she lives in a spotless home.  We don't need to talk about mine.  We all know about my housekeeping skills.)

She also knew how to get along with mom.

Smile, nod, don't talk back, do what you are told, play the "mother is always right" game.

I, on the other hand, chose a different philosophy.

Smirk, cock your head to one side, be sassy, do the opposite of what you are told, and play the "you just try to get me to do that" game.

I will admit, I did not find a lot of success with my method.

~

As I mentioned, Kris and I shared a room.

Up until I was in 8th grade, we lived in a big old farm house, were we all had our own rooms.  Then we moved to the farm where my grandparents had lived.  My parents renovated it a little bit, turned three small bedrooms into two, and in the basement, put up some walls, and created a bedroom, living room and bathroom.  

Not only did I have to share a room during the time in my life when I REALLY wanted to be left alone, and have some privacy...but my parents decided to buy us a bedroom set too.  With a queen sized bed.

Seriously?!  What were they thinking?

So, I went into high school, sharing a bed with my little sister.

It wasn't awful, but the fact that we were complete opposites when it came to sleep/wake habits made it challenging.

I liked to stay up late reading.....which meant the light mounted on the bookcase over the bed kept her awake at night.

She liked to get up early...and every morning she would start organizing her stuff for the day in plastic grocery bags. (She still LOVES organizing her bags....but she has moved on from plastic.) I would be trying to sleep, and she would turn on the lights, and be rustling non-stop in those damn bags.

We drove each other nuts.

She was perky in the morning....I was a disaster.

(This has not changed.)

~

Emily is 8 years younger than I am...and when I look back, I barely remember her place in all of this.  Her bedroom was upstairs, and I tended to just hibernate in my basement cave.  I only went upstairs to eat and play the piano.

Her role was to sit on the steps when we had our boyfriends over and be as annoying as she possibly could.  

(My mother would send her down to "babysit" us.)

It was effective.

I totally do the same thing when my daughter has her boyfriend over.

My poor son....he has been the third wheel during so many of their movies, and even some dates!

~

What made me think of all of this, is the fact that I haven't changed a bit.

I still do the same things.

I stay up late at night reading (only now it's my husband who is dealing with the light keeping him awake.)

Luckily, he has no desire to rustle around with plastic bags in our bedroom in the morning.  (He probably knows I would smother him with one if he did.)

I am pretty sure that if someone tried my mother's approach to "getting me to do something" on me...my reaction would be exactly the same.

In fact, when Mark goes into "teacher mode" or "parent mode" on me...I slip right back into "teenager mode."

Complete with crossed arms, eye rolling, sassy back-talk, and doing exactly the opposite of what he just told me to do.

Because I don't need someone telling me what to do, thank you very much!

(I prefer being asked.)

And yes....my daughter reacts exactly the same way I do.

And it makes me crazy.

~

I have also found in the very few times he has ever raised his voice at me that I turn right back into that insecure little girl who lived with a mom that liked to yell.  Isn't it interesting how you never really let go of certain things from your past?

I had never really heard him yell before, and one day I had him come with me when I had the entire 6, 7, and 8th grade choirs together in one room for a big concert thing I was doing.  As expected, they were all wound up, and soooo loud.

My voice is not intimidating, nor does it carry over the volume of 200 kids, so I asked him if he could try to quiet them down for me.

What came out of that guy's mouth shut them up all right...and I had to take a moment, because he literally scared me half to death.

I made a little pact with myself that day to never get him really mad at me.

Ever.

~

So, to summarize, all I want is to be able to stay up as late as I want, sleep in as late as I want, have no one ever tell me what to do, never get yelled at by anyone, never be bothered while I'm sleeping, and never have to deal with a middle school choir again.

I mean really, is this too much to ask?

If you don't mind, I would like to add:

Get paid to stay at home and do stuff.

"Stuff" being defined as: whatever I come up with that day.

Or: nothing.

~

I am pretty sure you would agree that that is a beautiful job description.

I will let you know when I find a company that will pay me to do that.

I'm sure it will be any day now.

But, for now, I must trudge through wind and snow, and pick up my children, who have deemed themselves too fragile for the bus.

Oh yes....30 minutes on the bus=a headache, pure crankiness, and utter misery.

And those are just MY symptoms after they arrive home!

As I continue to take baby steps toward my goals...I will add "learn how to be a grown up, aka: quit the teenage tendencies" to my list.

In other words, I will try to go to bed at a decent hour tonight, and see if I can be more productive tomorrow.

:)

Have a great Friday!

The Reset Button

This week has been an excellent example of the fact that I should never make assumptions about how I think my day will go.

I have gone to bed with a clear picture of what I planned to accomplish the following day in my head...and so far, each day has thrown me for a bit of a loop.

Maybe next week I will just plan on laying in bed and watching TV all day.

Who knows....it could be my most productive week yet!

~

I was excited for Wednesday's "snow-day." 

It's not often that I get a weekday to spend with my husband.

I knew the kids would probably sleep in until noon, and then just be lazy the rest of the day, so I wasn't too worried about them driving me crazy.

Before I had even gotten out of bed, things were off to a bad start.

There was a misinterpreted text, which led to a misunderstanding, which led to an argument, which just opened an old "can of worms" which, pretty much, ruined the whole day.

Isn't it crazy how something so small and stupid can turn into an hour of re-hashing old issues that should just stay buried, because it really is dumb to fight over the same old crap over and over again anyway.

I think it would be super handy if, at every wedding, couples would receive a "reset" button.  This could be used in the event of a reoccurring argument.  You simply hit the "reset" button...and the argument is over and forgotten...never to be brought up again.

Why do we do that anyway?

I know there are some things that I have never let go of.  Just some stupid things that my husband has done over the course of our relationship that I will never forget, and that I like to use as ammunition (when it comes in handy.)

He, of course, also has his arsenal handy as well.

I would say that 90% of the time, when we get into an argument...we will forget about what we were originally fighting about, and it will become a fight about something that happened 10 years ago....because that is relevant. Ugh.

It's so ridiculous, and stupid.

But, obviously, we don't feel that it's ever been resolved, or, perhaps we don't feel that we have adequately gotten our point across, and need to rehash it yet again, for the 526th time.

There should also be a mandatory manual handed out before each marriage entitled "Do You Know What the Hell You Are Getting Yourself Into Here?!"

I will happily author this, of course. :)

That would be one fun manual to write!!

~

Anyway...I spent yesterday in the basement, sorting through the nightmare, otherwise known as my craft/laundry room.

I listened to one of James Patterson's "Alex Cross" books on CD while I sorted and cleaned.  I made a dent in the back half of the room.  I can't even begin to tell you how much stuff there is to wade through in there.  It's going to take me at least three books to get through it all.

It was therapeutic though...because I did a lot of thinking while sorting. (I don't think I paid very much attention to what was going on in the story...which isn't a big deal...since they are all pretty much the same anyway.)

I did think a lot about the whole institution of marriage however.  

There really is a fine line between taking care of yourself and your needs, and making sure your spouse's needs are being met.

Where do you draw that line?

We really struggled for a long time, because I was such an extrovert, while my husband was an introvert.  I loved everything social, and he shied away from that.

When we would go out together (which was rare) he would feel very left out, because I would typically be making the rounds, so to speak, saying hi to everyone, while he would hang behind.  I was at fault for not being more inclusive and dragging him along with me...but he didn't make an effort to meet anyone, so I didn't want to force the issue.  It got to the point where he would just prefer to stay home, and I would go out without him.

Obviously, this wasn't healthy for our relationship.

Then, I started staying home, in an attempt to strengthen things between us...which kind of killed that outgoing, enthusiastic side of my spirit.

Either way, it felt like I was giving something up.

I would say I have become much more introverted in the past year or two, and spend a lot more time at home.

I really am fine with this, though at times, I wonder if I subconsciously harbor a little resentment because I definitely feel like the spontaneous, adventurous side of me is gone.

I probably act a lot more like a "grown-up" now...which is a good thing, I suppose?  However, I am definitely a lot more boring to be around. (Maybe this is a good thing too?)

~

One thing I do know is that I have definitely tried to put my marriage back on the front burner again.

I think it's pretty easy to let it simmer on the back burner...especially after 19 years.  It becomes routine, and you just kind of deal with the ebb and flow of it.

You would think at some point you'd figure out how to read each other's minds...but for some reason...that just doesn't happen.

You would also think that it would get easier as the years go by.

I guess in some ways, it does...but in others, not so much.

I am finding that communication is even more important now than ever.

We just assume we know how the other person is feeling, but often times, we don't have a clue.  

The thing that has been the biggest surprise for me is my husband's insecurity.

I am married to this super good looking guy, who has gained maybe 10 pounds since high school, and still has a full head of hair.  I mean, seriously....what does he have to be insecure about?  When we were younger, his students would always come up to me and tell me how they all thought he was super hot.  (He was completely clueless about this...which I found hilarious.  I think this is part of his charm...he has no idea how cute he is.)  Anyway, it NEVER occurred to me that this man could ever feel insecure.  Imagine my surprise when I found out that he does. I never felt like I needed to let him know that how attractive I think he is...because I just assumed he knew that.  I'm glad I found out how he really feels.  Once again, communication is the key.

And...even when they are driving you nuts, and you want to strangle them, remember that they are feeling all of the same things you are.

So, hold them, love them, and accept them...even with all of their flaws.

In the end....they make you whole.

~

Have a great Thursday. :)