Thursday, January 8, 2015
The Reset Button
This week has been an excellent example of the fact that I should never make assumptions about how I think my day will go.
I have gone to bed with a clear picture of what I planned to accomplish the following day in my head...and so far, each day has thrown me for a bit of a loop.
Maybe next week I will just plan on laying in bed and watching TV all day.
Who knows....it could be my most productive week yet!
I was excited for Wednesday's "snow-day."
It's not often that I get a weekday to spend with my husband.
I knew the kids would probably sleep in until noon, and then just be lazy the rest of the day, so I wasn't too worried about them driving me crazy.
Before I had even gotten out of bed, things were off to a bad start.
There was a misinterpreted text, which led to a misunderstanding, which led to an argument, which just opened an old "can of worms" which, pretty much, ruined the whole day.
Isn't it crazy how something so small and stupid can turn into an hour of re-hashing old issues that should just stay buried, because it really is dumb to fight over the same old crap over and over again anyway.
I think it would be super handy if, at every wedding, couples would receive a "reset" button. This could be used in the event of a reoccurring argument. You simply hit the "reset" button...and the argument is over and forgotten...never to be brought up again.
Why do we do that anyway?
I know there are some things that I have never let go of. Just some stupid things that my husband has done over the course of our relationship that I will never forget, and that I like to use as ammunition (when it comes in handy.)
He, of course, also has his arsenal handy as well.
I would say that 90% of the time, when we get into an argument...we will forget about what we were originally fighting about, and it will become a fight about something that happened 10 years ago....because that is relevant. Ugh.
It's so ridiculous, and stupid.
But, obviously, we don't feel that it's ever been resolved, or, perhaps we don't feel that we have adequately gotten our point across, and need to rehash it yet again, for the 526th time.
There should also be a mandatory manual handed out before each marriage entitled "Do You Know What the Hell You Are Getting Yourself Into Here?!"
I will happily author this, of course. :)
That would be one fun manual to write!!
Anyway...I spent yesterday in the basement, sorting through the nightmare, otherwise known as my craft/laundry room.
I listened to one of James Patterson's "Alex Cross" books on CD while I sorted and cleaned. I made a dent in the back half of the room. I can't even begin to tell you how much stuff there is to wade through in there. It's going to take me at least three books to get through it all.
It was therapeutic though...because I did a lot of thinking while sorting. (I don't think I paid very much attention to what was going on in the story...which isn't a big deal...since they are all pretty much the same anyway.)
I did think a lot about the whole institution of marriage however.
There really is a fine line between taking care of yourself and your needs, and making sure your spouse's needs are being met.
Where do you draw that line?
We really struggled for a long time, because I was such an extrovert, while my husband was an introvert. I loved everything social, and he shied away from that.
When we would go out together (which was rare) he would feel very left out, because I would typically be making the rounds, so to speak, saying hi to everyone, while he would hang behind. I was at fault for not being more inclusive and dragging him along with me...but he didn't make an effort to meet anyone, so I didn't want to force the issue. It got to the point where he would just prefer to stay home, and I would go out without him.
Obviously, this wasn't healthy for our relationship.
Then, I started staying home, in an attempt to strengthen things between us...which kind of killed that outgoing, enthusiastic side of my spirit.
Either way, it felt like I was giving something up.
I would say I have become much more introverted in the past year or two, and spend a lot more time at home.
I really am fine with this, though at times, I wonder if I subconsciously harbor a little resentment because I definitely feel like the spontaneous, adventurous side of me is gone.
I probably act a lot more like a "grown-up" now...which is a good thing, I suppose? However, I am definitely a lot more boring to be around. (Maybe this is a good thing too?)
One thing I do know is that I have definitely tried to put my marriage back on the front burner again.
I think it's pretty easy to let it simmer on the back burner...especially after 19 years. It becomes routine, and you just kind of deal with the ebb and flow of it.
You would think at some point you'd figure out how to read each other's minds...but for some reason...that just doesn't happen.
You would also think that it would get easier as the years go by.
I guess in some ways, it does...but in others, not so much.
I am finding that communication is even more important now than ever.
We just assume we know how the other person is feeling, but often times, we don't have a clue.
The thing that has been the biggest surprise for me is my husband's insecurity.
I am married to this super good looking guy, who has gained maybe 10 pounds since high school, and still has a full head of hair. I mean, seriously....what does he have to be insecure about? When we were younger, his students would always come up to me and tell me how they all thought he was super hot. (He was completely clueless about this...which I found hilarious. I think this is part of his charm...he has no idea how cute he is.) Anyway, it NEVER occurred to me that this man could ever feel insecure. Imagine my surprise when I found out that he does. I never felt like I needed to let him know that how attractive I think he is...because I just assumed he knew that. I'm glad I found out how he really feels. Once again, communication is the key.
And...even when they are driving you nuts, and you want to strangle them, remember that they are feeling all of the same things you are.
So, hold them, love them, and accept them...even with all of their flaws.
In the end....they make you whole.
Have a great Thursday. :)