Monday, September 15, 2014
Beauty...what a beast.
Monday, September 15, 2014
I was sitting in the tub this morning, texting with my BFF and shaving my legs. (Not at the same time. At least not until they invent an iPhone razor...and you know one day it WILL happen.)
I was paying a lot more attention to my texts than I was to my legs, when I quite aggressively de-haired the section of leg covered in what is probably my most painful and colorful bruise to date.
For your viewing pleasure:
This is a bit of a travesty, since I had big plans to become a leg model this week. Dammit.
I could, at this point, make up a really great story about how I was attacked in the alley by a 250lb linebacker, who did manage to get in one good kick to the back of my leg....but you should see the damage I did to him!!
However, the truth of the matter is, I slipped getting out of the bathtub, and this leg had the pleasure of stopping my fall.
My BFF then sent a text: "So, how many times a week DO you take a bath?" You could take this one of two ways. For those who don't know me well, you might assume she meant "You smell bad. Is this bruise from the one bath per week you take? And if so, could you step it up a notch, and maybe add a couple more? Because if you do that, you might be able to get out of the tub without hurting yourself, AND you would smell A LOT better!" However, my BFF lives in New Jersey, so she really has no idea if I smell bad or not (considering I am in Wisconsin, and there are A LOT of farms here, which would mask my stinkiness even if I DID smell bad.) What she really wanted to know was "Do you ever actually just take a shower?" Truth be told....rarely. There are several reasons for this. It all began with a very legitimate reason. My husband told me I had to stop using my shower, because something was leaking through the basement ceiling, and he was pretty sure it was my shower. Thus began the daily bubble bath. Reason #2:
Wouldn't you want to hang out in this tub everyday? (I typically take the dog out.)
I am turning into my mother. I have never witnessed her take a shower. In my entire life. I vowed at a very young age to Never. Become. My. Mother.
It didn't work.
Now, let's get to the point of this post. The quest for beauty. As I was bubble bath-ing today, I starting thinking about all of the injuries I have sustained while in a bathroom. It really is a very dangerous place to be. There are the typical shaving catastrophes, of which there are too many to list for me. (My husband doesn't let me use sharp things in the kitchen either. I tend to act...then think.)
There have been injuries on the way to the bathroom...like the time I was headed there in the middle of the night, and had forgotten that I shut the door. Rather than using the universal technique for the sight impaired (aka: put your hands in front of you so you can feel for any obstacles) I chose to just walk full speed ahead...into the door. I have a rather prominent nose. Actually, I'm surprised I STILL have a rather prominent nose.
I quite vividly remember one afternoon during my college days when I was running a little late for class. I was at my apartment, and thought I should use the facilities quickly before leaving. For some reason, I was having a difficult time deciding if I really had to "go" or not. I recall the little voice in my head saying "just go...wait, you don't really need to go...wait, you should go....wait, you don't really need to go...wait..." (you get the picture) While my little voice was saying this, my body was acting it out. Almost sit...no...stand back up...no almost sit....no...stand back up.... At one point, in my "stand back up" I got a little over ambitious in my movement and lost my balance, and since my pants where half way down, my ability to move my legs was completely impaired. The back of my legs hit the tub, and as if in slow motion, I fell back, pulling the shower curtain down with me, into the bathtub. After a few moments of shock, slight pain in my back and head (this was a cast iron tub...not a plastic jobbie) and a quick check to make sure no one was home to witness this ridiculousness, I laid there and laughed...until I almost peed my pants. (Because I DID have to go!)
It's not just the shower/tubs that are dangerous. Oh no. It is also all of products we use to get beautiful as well. Like the facial cleanser (you know, the special kinds with all of the different acidic whatnots in them to rid your skin of all the gunk it collects during the day. Why they put this stuff in pump bottles, I will never understand, because they inevitably clog. And when they clog, they create a perfect little opening just at the top, so when you press the pump, the acid filled cleanser will shoot straight into your eye. Of course, it happens so fast (and there is such a big glob) that your eye has no defense against it. And I am here to tell you that it does, indeed, take a good 3 hours to recover from the pain and misery of that. I wouldn't recommend mouthwash in the eye either. No eyeball needs to be minty fresh. This is a fact.
And then there is the eyelash curler. Once you have mastered the art, it is okay. Until then..torture device. Maybe it is just my eyelashes, but they do NOT curl unless I warm the curler up. So, I have to use my blowdryer to give it a little heat. This is an art form in itself. How do I know this? Well, try heating it up, and not testing the temp on your hand first. Have you ever subjected your eyelids to hot metal? Not something I would recommend.
While we are on the subject of hot things....let's discuss the curling iron. First of all, why do I even own one? My hair is naturally curly! Of course, I would prefer my curls to look like this:
I would like you to also take note of the length of this hair...we will be getting to that in a minute.
To achieve this "I just have these loose, messy curls...aren't they great?" hair, takes FOREVER. It is also a grueling process, since you have to wrap your hair around the OUTSIDE of the curling iron, which leads to lots of burned fingers, and in my case, boobs.
Yes, it's really easy to lose your grip on the curling iron while doing this, and drop it. For some reason, my morning routine involves doing my hair before I get dressed. (At least it used to) One fine day, I had my curling iron turned up extra hot, and dropped it. Of course, there are only a couple of options, as far as things to land on as it makes it's descent to the ground. And land it did....long enough to leave one heck of a burn behind. I now get dressed prior to using hot things.
Then there is the flat iron. When you have curly hair...you want straight hair. So for about six months, almost everyday, I did this to my hair:
Cute, right? A different look for me, and I liked it. Until I noticed that my hair was getting shorter and shorter. Yes, that damn flat iron was burning my hair off, little by little. Gradually that long, pretty hair, was no longer. So, my only option was to chop it off, and go cold turkey with the hot things. That evolved into me pretty much going cold turkey with anything that might make ME look like a hot thing. I have become so low maintenance that I think my husband's beauty routine is more involved than my own. I will say, however, that I did wear my pink and gray tennis shoes today, because they match my $.50 garage sale sweat pants and pink tank top that I am looking smokin' in right now. And I did put some product in my hair....so if I don't move around too much, it actually might dry in a somewhat desirable fashion, and not look exactly like it did when I rolled out of bed this morning. (Isn't that frustrating when you take the time to bath AND wash your hair, and it ends up looking the same or WORSE than it did when you woke up?)
Luckily, it is Monday. (My FAVORITE day of the week!!) I know that is strange in itself. For many years, I dreaded Monday. Now that I no longer teach, I LOVE Monday. And typically, it is the only day of the week that I have no obligations. Today is dreary and rainy. Even better! I am going to light candles, get out the coloring books for my mom (I think Barbie will be today's choice) and make chicken soup. But first, I get to clean up the disaster of a kitchen my darling family left for me. I love how they are always thinking of me...making sure I am never bored. Aren't they THE BEST?
They are just lucky I am so beautiful, and that my shoes match my sassy outfit. ;)