Monday, December 29, 2014

The Other Side

I decided to start planning my funeral today.
I'm pretty sure the thought hit me during one of my "off"moments while playing at church.
Oh...that's another thing.
I think I've figured out what is wrong with me.
I believe I have mentioned the fact that I am worried I may be losing my mind, as I have been screwing up while playing quite frequently as of late...which isn't normal.  And by screwing up...I mean like forgetting how to play the piano...or just really second guessing myself.
I also had a weird experience on Christmas Eve.
I was SO pumped about my Mass with the "Fabulous Four"......but when it started, I was a mess.  I was anxious, nervous, all worked up and totally off my game.  This is not normal either.  And this has been happening more frequently.
(And yes...I'm worried about it.)
However, today when I was screwing up (again) I realized that my mind was SO far off in la-la land....that I'm surprised I was able to play at all.
I can't remember exactly what I was thinking about....but I know it involved rather complex thought.  
(I remember that, because the little voice in my head said "Ummm, Beth....maybe the fact that you are thinking about things that take multiple steps to create is why you keep forgetting what key you are in?")
Then, I forced the voice in my head to repeat over and over:
It didn't really work.
My diagnosis.
Adult ADD.
The nervous/anxious thing....I'm not sure what to think about that.
My cure:
I have no idea why they don't just give me a medical license.
I obviously know what I'm talking about.
Back to my death.

I had to play for that super sad funeral of the 27 year old woman (who was killed in a car accident) yesterday afternoon.
Her mom came up afterward, and said "Do you remember when we came over to your house to pick out wedding music?"
(I had played for the woman's wedding 3 years prior.)
"She loved that so much....we wanted her funeral to be like her wedding.  Happy and beautiful."
(It was that....and completely devastating.)

I am guessing this is perhaps why I had my funeral on my mind.
That, and as I was sitting in church, I started thinking about "Hmmm....I wonder who would show up for my funeral?"  
Jaine and I sang a song from my wedding for the meditation this weekend...and that got me thinking about music.
I was around to plan all my wedding music. 
(My wedding was pretty much a concert, by the way.)
What if I never got around to telling anyone what I wanted for my funeral?!
Good God....would Mark pick the music...or put someone else in charge?
Would they pick oldie moldies like "How Great Thou Art" (NOT allowed!)
Or overdone hymns like "On Eagles Wings?"  ( You-Hoo's)
Who would play the piano?
(By the way....there is nothing wrong with those hymns...I have just been working in churches for too we are currently separated....not divorced though.) 
Oh no....I am NOT leaving these decisions up to anyone but ME!
I am FAR too controlling to let this concert of death be programmed by anyone but yours truly!
Here is my concern.
Will I actually be there to hear this wonderful celebration of my life?
When I was playing for the funeral yesterday, a beam of sunlight suddenly came down upon me during a particularly emotional point of the service.
Of course, me being one who totally believes in "signs" thought "whoa! is this Laura trying to communicate?  Or maybe just one of my angels up there, wrapping me in light?"  (I know it sounds silly...but it makes me feel better thinking that way...and I HAVE had some crazy things happen that I feel 100% sure were my dad communicating with me.
Anyway...I just embraced the moment.
But it didn't end.
Rather than shining a halo-like light softly down upon me, that damn sun turned into a fat beam of incessant white heat, and continued to blind me for the rest of the service.
In fact, it just got worse.
Buy the end, I was leaning in, with my nose practically touching the music, so I could see past the laser beam of sunlight that was attempting to pierce a hole through my eyeball.
Not to mention the fact that by this time, I had been cooking in this giant sunbeam for a good 20 I was about ready to perish from heat stroke....and I hadn't planned my funeral yet!!!
Needless to say, I'm pretty sure if that was a "sign," it wasn't from anyone I really cared to communicate with.
Where was I?
Oh yea....attending my own funeral.
I am pretty adamant about being there.
I think that is one of the sad things in life.
A person's funeral is when all the people in your life sort of come out of the wood work. (especially if you die young, or unexpectedly.) I saw that at my dad's funeral.  Your family gets to hear all the wonderful things people have to say about you....while you just lay in a box, probably wearing some outfit you hate, with bad make-up on...God knows my hair will be awful, because NO ONE knows how to deal with curly hair.  (Can someone tell them to just straighten it...or have Lexie deal with it...she knows what's going on with the curly stuff.) 
Also, spritz me up with some yummy smelling bath and body works spray....formaldehyde isn't the scent I am going for.  And NO old lady perfume.

I suppose if I end up with some terminal disease, I can at least be in charge of putting my funeral choir together, and making sure they sound good. ;)
It's the sudden death scenario that worries me.
Way to many variables with that one.
This is why planning is important.
I still can't decide between regular burial or cremation.
To be honest with you...I'm a little scared of being cremated.
I know you are dead....and it takes up less space, and is better for the earth...blah blah blah.
But...what if you aren't really dead?
(Okay, so I watch too many movies.)
I just am not sure that I feel like getting tossed into the raging fires of hell intentionally.
If that is to be my fate....I guess I'd rather earn my way there?  ;-)

Anyway, I realize this is all somewhat morbid, but for some reason, this year I have become much more aware of my mortality.  I assume it's because I'm getting older, and each year brings me one step closer. (Now that is depressing.)
I think I make myself think about it, because I have always been a little afraid of it.  Obviously, I have no desire to die.  However, I don't get an option.
I wonder if there was an option to know at what age you were going to "kick the bucket"....would I want to know?
I am sure curiosity would get the best of me, and I would.  I am a planner....when it comes to big life choices or life events...I need to know things in advance, so I can wrap my head around them, and mentally prepare.
Planning is always a good thing.

Would you want to know?
I wonder how it would change the way we live our lives?
For now, I'll just worry about the music.
One step at a time.
Oh....and I am totally cool with comfy clothes.  
Slippers and pj pants.  
No one is going to see them anyway!
If you are going to your "eternal rest" why on earth would you wear an uncomfortable dress??

Have a Marvelous Monday!


  1. A lot of people probably have thought about how their funerals are going to be held. But since it’s quite a sensitive topic, most of us tend to ignore or feel weird about discussing it. That is why I admire you for sharing this matter with us, and as well as your plans for that day. The day will eventually come, and it wouldn’t be bad to be prepared for it. Thanks for sharing, Beth.

    Damon Marsh @ Inland Memorial, Inc.

  2. Thanks Damon. Once I hit 40...I realized that perhaps, I wasn't invincible, and would have to face the fact that the end would eventually come. Being the control freak that I am...(especially when it comes to music) I figure I had better spell things out REALLY specifically, rather than risk the possibility of roaming the earth for the next 1000 years, all because I'm still ticked off that my family picked really crappy music for my funeral.
    Seriously, though....having been through the overwhelming task of planning an unexpected funeral....dealing with that on top of having to figure out how to simply even go on after a tragic loss is devastating. If I can make that job easier for my loved ones, and have everything planned and prepared ahead of time, by all means, I'm going to do it.
    I really appreciate your comment...and that you have taken the time to read my ramblings! :)