Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Weigh TOO Much!!

Here we are, my friends....officially into December, and one with the frozen tundra.
I have to tell ya...my Monday was not my typical start to the week.
I usually cherish my Mondays.
The family is gone...out of the house before I even gain consciousness.
I intentionally schedule nothing for this day.
I work every weekend...I need a day of rest.
Well...forget that this week.
As we all know, I had a table full of canned goods to sort through.
I knew I needed to get to it today, or it would become the extent of our Christmas decor this year.
But first...I had some shows to catch up on.
I always play this game with myself.
When I know I have to be ready by a certain time...but I also know that there are some really good shows that I NEED to catch up on, just calling my name from the DVR....I start to plot.
"If I watch just one...I can still take a shower and have two hours to work on the pantry before my rehearsal."
"BUT....if I watch two..and shower really quickly...I can get the pantry done in an hour for sure...and still be ready to go in time."
I chose option B.
And I am happy to say, it was a success.

AND, all of the canned goods are arranged according to expiration date.
Because I'm fancy like that.  And I should probably own a grocery store.
Or go back to working at one like I did in college.
I really do love playing with the cash register.
And I am a people person.
Most of the time.
I was on a roll...so I figured I would keep going.  Lord knows if I didn't clean up the kitchen it would still be a mess tomorrow...so I decided to be uber productive.
Look!  You can actually see the island for a change!
It is important to document these rare events.
I was flying high on my productiveness....and my rehearsal that followed was good as well.
Then, things started to go downhill.
I had to go to a Dr. appointment.
One that I had been putting off for quite some time.
Yep.  One of THOSE Dr. appointments.
I actually think I had to cancel and reschedule like 3 times...but all for legitimate reasons...like people dying.
I DO play for funerals, you know.
Well....I decided I should just go and get it over with.

As always, the first thing they do is weigh you.
Now, I knew this wasn't going to be pretty....but OMG...is was BEYOND not pretty!
Then, when we get to the exam room, the nurse pulled out this little laminated, handmade book thingy, and asks me to answer question 1.
1. Have you been feeling down or depressed in the past week or two?

I looked at her and said "I have been feeling extremely down and depressed in the past MINUTE OR TWO!!!"
We then discussed (well, I discussed, she listened) how convenient it was that I have now stored up enough fat to make it through the entire winter.
So, all I have to do now is find a nice cave, and hibernate!
Then, the Dr. comes in, and asks if I have any concerns.
Why yes!  Yes I DO!
I have gained 15 pounds....though I hardly eat.  I enjoyed my one year of thinness...and I would like it back.  Thank you very much!
I then got a 10 minute lecture on diet and exercise.
Seriously people.
I have every book that has ever been written on diet and exercise.
I am not dumb.
I am lazy.
There is a distinct difference.
Luckily, her back was to me, (because she was typing all of my info into the computer as we (she) talked)....so I could roll my eyes, and act in all manner of "teenage girl" while I sat neatly wrapped in my pretty hospital gown, and almost-full-coverage- paper sheet, and she told me everything I ever wanted to know about fruits, vegetables and protein.
Do you ever wonder what they write about you in your chart?  I have been able to catch pieces of it a few times when the screen was at a good angle for me to see....but that's all.  It would probably make for some pretty good reading though....don't you think?!!

....."Elizabeth is a 42 year old female who struggles with reality.  She does not realize that the reason she is gaining weight is because she is reaching middle age, and  the wonderful world of peri-menopause, and her metabolism has crashed and died.  I will recommend she give up her diet of cupcakes and bon bons, and start introducing fiber...lots and lots of fiber into her daily menu.
She shows little interest in exercise, so I have suggested she start buying her baking ingredients in bulk, so she will at least get in a bit of weight training each time she has to hoist her 20lb bag of hersheys morsels onto the counter."
I suggested perhaps my thyroid was defective.
It would just be soooo much easier if I could have something wrong with me.  Something that was causing me to gain weight and be tired.
Something that didn't involve having to exercise and give up cupcakes and bon bons.
She sent me to the lab.
My fingers are crossed.
I should probably mention that the 10 minute diet and exercise lecture was much worse than the actual exam. 
Remind me to keep my mouth shut next time.
Maybe if I would just follow my own advice (keep.mouth.shut)
I wouldn't be complaining about gaining weight at all!
It's hard to get fat with your mouth shut!
(I certainly have no desire to inhale a liquid diet through my nostrils.)
Anyway.  I sent a text to Mark right away.  Telling him that I was now heavy enough to smother him in his sleep if I landed on him just right.
He asked if I'd like to bike to work with him.
I won't share my comments here.  This is a family show.
I did, however, find something things that he should probably get me to make me feel better.
Totally in love with this.  If anyone is bored and knows how to crochet....and wants to make me this for Christmas....you will be my BFF forever.
And not only is it gorgeous, and like wearing a beautiful blanket all day...it covers up all of the bon bon fluff I am obviously carrying on me.

Madly in love with this ring.  And my hands still look nice, so I don't have to worry about finding it in a "plus" size.  Yet.

OMG....I need this sweet face in my life!  Can you imagine waking up to this fluffy cuddle bug everyday?!!  
And seriously....can't you totally see me wearing the gorgeous poncho, flashing that spectacular ring, while out walking this sweet dog?!
It has to happen.
Mark will never read this...so I need an elf to help a girl out here. 

And then, one more fun and exciting addition to my day of wonder:
We got new debit cards in the mail.
Along with a letter that said "Your account may have been compromised, so we are canceling your cards, and issuing new ones."
(They did this after the big Target scare a year or two ago also.)

Fabulous!  Considering I do just about everything online...now, once again, I get to go and change my account information on every site I purchase things regularly, or auto pay at.  
My FAVORITE part of that, is that I can never remember my user name or password (because why would I keep track of that??) so I get to spend an hour at each site trying to reset everything.
But, all is not lost.  For a small miracle is occurring as I type.
My darling son is making us dinner.
All by himself.
He just about set the kitchen on fire with bacon grease....but he managed to come out of that one unscathed.
Every once in awhile....the stars align, and there is peace on earth.
Have a terrific Tuesday!!


  1. This made me laugh because every single time I go to the dr I make her check my thyroid. One of these times its going to come back wanky, she will put me on magic meds & I will be skinny!

  2. Andrea,
    Right?!! I have been working this angle for YEARS! One of these times it HAS to be my thyroid causing this "spare tire" around my middle, right? Both of my parents had thyroid issues, so it's bound to show up eventually....maybe? Well, I will keep my fingers crossed for both of us that one day soon we will both get the diagnosis of our dreams, and be prescribed the "magic skinny pills!"
    (And they darn well BETTER be magic skinny pills!!) ;))