Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Try, Try Again

Monday was a bust.
Shocking, I know.
I really need one of these:

That, and a magic headache remover.
I had planned to be all over the "get the house cleaned and start exercising" thing.
This was to be my morning...and I would have looked EXACTLY like that!

Instead...this became my reality:

Well....my 5 o'clock shadow wasn't quite that bad...but you get the idea.
To top it off, I spent the day in "discussion" with my husband via emotionally draining texts.  
Remember that cycle I wrote about a while ago?  The one where we go through several weeks of bliss, to a couple weeks of indifference, to a week of annoyance, then a few days of bickering...on and on.
Yeah.  Unfortunately, today was the bickering day.
Not helpful.
While I sat on the couch with my two best friends, I started pondering several things:
*Why am I incapable of functioning like a normal human during daylight hours?
*How am I able to lose an entire day, and accomplish nothing, so successfully?
*Why are my two best friends canines?
*Has the pharmacist been giving me a placebo, rather than my happy pills?
*Should I move to a warmer climate, and see I can function better there?
*Wait a minute, I melt in heat...so that would be a bad idea.
*Well...if it's Hawaii....I could probably adjust....

There really is only one solution.

My daughter spent the past two days at Luther College in Iowa, participating in the Dorian Orchestra Festival.
They had their concert last night.  Mark went, but I decided to stay home.  My headache was still lingering, and a long car ride didn't sound like fun to me.  I also needed to get my son to and from show choir practice.
Do you ever feel like the "bad" parent?
I told Mark that Lexie had a ride home afterwards, if he wasn't up to driving all the way there for the concert.  He replied "I feel like I need to be there.  Who knows if she will ever do this again, and there aren't going to be many opportunities left to watch her play in a group like this.  She is only in high school once."
Immediately....I felt like I should just slither on my belly over to the door, and throw myself out.  Obviously, I had just been shown who was the good parent, and who was the bad one.
I know that wasn't his intention, but it felt like it from my end.
From my end of things, I didn't want Sam being here alone all night, and he didn't have any other way to get to his rehearsal.  In my mind, we were each taking care of one of our kids.
But still....his comments stung.  I already feel like I miss so much as it is.
I work on the weekends, so I can't travel to wherever they are performing to watch them like other parents do.
When they are in musicals or sing at concerts, I am usually at the piano, so even though I'm there, I'm not really able to watch them.
I am sure it's obvious how proud I am of them, since I am constantly posting pictures of them, or videos, or just gushing about them in general.
I think that is what makes it even more hurtful when you feel like you are not "pulling your weight" as a parent.....or when your spouse inadvertently makes a comment that leaves you feeling that way.

So, I am going to cut myself some slack.
If I really did suck as a parent, I am pretty sure it would reflect in my kids and their behavior.
Having taught for 15 years, it was NOT hard to pick out the kids who had good parents, and the ones who had the run of the house.  
Apple....tree.  That old saying IS SO TRUE.
I obviously don't know how my kids act when I'm not there to watch them, but if it were something I should be concerned about, I would have probably heard about it by now.
The biggest reassurance I got was when my mom lived with us.
If anything would throw a teenager for a loop, it would be having their Alzheimer's laden grandma move in with them.
And not only just move in with them, but also attend EVERY activity they were involved in.  And we never knew how she would act....or if she might do something to embarrass them.  
(I suppose they have lived with me their whole lives, so they were used to being embarrassed.) ;)
In the six months that she was here, I never once heard a complaint.
Even when she decided that Lexie was evil (because she was SURE Lexie was going to steal her "stuff") and she wouldn't be very nice to her, Lexie would just take it with a grain of salt, and laugh it off.
I was shocked at how well they handled it all....and how helpful they were with her.  I don't think I would have been that attentive and easy going when I was a teenager.
Anyway.  I still feel bad about missing Lexie's concert tonight.
But I feel good knowing that Sam is taken care of, and getting to where he needs to go safely.  Because that is my job too. :)


  1. Awww Beth...it's ok. Really, it is. Being a parent in today's world is a tough job and I think you handle it beautifully. Hugs...

  2. Thanks, Sheila. :) And yes, it is a tough job. Kids today are involved in way too many activities to keep up with! We just do the best we can, and hope it's enough, I guess!