Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Ooh La La

I am writing today's post in a French accent.  I hope you are able to read it okay.
So, here is the scoop.  I have been married for almost 19 years.  
I realize this is hard to believe, considering the fact that we look barely a day over 29ish...(if you use that cool chrome filter that lightens everything up and literally erases all traces of eye-bags and wrinkles.)  But, alas, it is true.
While I try to keep things exciting around here (I have added some new spices to my stash.  Coriander, cumin, rosemary....as well as some varieties of cooking wines) it is still a challenge to recreate the passion of those first years of marriage.
A fancy apron helps.

I ordered some books on the magic of coconut oil...since that is supposed to change your life.
I do incorporate it into my cooking.  For awhile I tried "oil pulling"....but it just makes my jaw sore...and me crabby.  Last summer I used plain old coconut oil as a moisturizer.  The mosquitos appreciated it.  A lot.  I smelled and tasted delicious.

So, I got to thinking.  Men are visual.  If I send my husband a picture of the six pack of beer I have waiting for him at home, he seems happier when he walks through the door.  I have a sneaking suspicion that photo was probably his screen saver all day long.
That is when I really started to pay attention to his screen saver.  For the longest time, he had this weird little green martian man.  To be honest, it bothered me.
I always switch out my screen saver.  It's always a picture of my babies.

Or sometimes of my kids and husband.
But his was always some stupid graphic.

It was time to change that.  What if I sent him some pictures that he would want to look at all day...everyday?
Or maybe I should take it a step further?  What if I were to take some Boudoir pictures?
Yes.  I looked it up.  I mean, I knew what they were, but I wanted to find out what the word Boudoir actually was defined as.  "Master Bedroom."
Okay.  All I needed to do was take some pictures in my Master Bedroom.
This is could handle.  I suppose the fact that they were taken in the bedroom automatically made them sexy, right?
Luckily, I already had a couple on my phone.

Okay...maybe this wasn't quite the look I was going for.

This one doesn't have the crazy dog eyes...but again, it might not be what he would find desirable.

I decided to attempt taking a picture while I was actually awake, rather than relying on the photos my kids seemed to find entertaining to take of me sleeping.

Yes.  It was time for a sexy selfie.

Here is what I came up with....

It soon came to my attention that if I was in my bed...my furry companions felt the need to be there too.  While I found this most wonderful, perhaps my husband wouldn't look at these photos and think "wow...that's hot."

So...I decided perhaps I should try some solo shots.
Prior to the "big shoot," I referred to the Victoria's Secret catalogue.  I felt it was important to not only set the scene correctly, but to also study up on how to make the perfect "sexy face."  You know....that subtle kind of "duck face pout."
I am pretty sure I nailed it in this photo.

I really liked how the sun added such a nice "back light" to this last photo...so I figured it was time to take my shoot outside, and try some natural lighting.  I found it brought a whole new dimension to the level of sexiness in my photos.
See how the sun just brings out my natural beauty?
I think it especially highlights my eyes.

Okay.  Maybe I needed to get in touch with my "bad-girl" side.  I mean, so far, all of my pictures were pretty tame.  Maybe a little walk on the wild side was what this marriage was missing.

Or maybe not.
I should mention that there was a point at which I felt it might be a fun idea to incorporate my husband into my photo session.  Perhaps I would be able to capture our love and passion if the two of us were actually in the pictures together.  It was a nice thought, but he didn't exactly embrace the photo taking in quite the way I had hoped he would.  I mean, he embraced it...but...well, you get the picture...

So, I was on my own once again.
I was starting to wonder if I would need to actually hire a professional to make this happen.  However there are two reasons I just couldn't do that.
1. I'm too cheap.
2. Are you fricking kidding me?
3. How could this be a selfie if it was taking by somebody elsie?

So...once again, I was on my own.  Somehow...I was going to make this happen.  And dammit, it was going to be fabulous.
At an art museum in New York I snapped a picture of a painting that I thought would be something worth attempting to recreate.
 But then I realized that I only had two arms, (I would need three to actually hold the towel AND take the picture) and my hair was not red.  So this was never going to happen.

I had to think like a photographer.  A photographer who didn't have a fancy camera.  Or any other equipment. Or training. Or...well, anything.
What did I have?  Well....I had things around the house I could use as props, I guess.  And I had sunlight.  That was about as good as I was going to get.  And you know what...that is all you need.
I finally figured out the key to creating professional looking pictures.
LOTS of light....so much light, that you can't clearly define the subject in the photo!
It is pure magic!
I am tempted to post the picture I am talking about....it is completely 100% G rated.  Well, maybe we should give it a PG rating, because it is not a cartoon sketch.  And the lighting was KEY.  It looks like a professional photo.  (A fur throw as your backdrop is also an excellent prop.)  I think I should perhaps consider becoming a Boudoir Photographer.  Although that would be a really uncomfortable job for me (unless I was taking photos of Jamie Fraser)
click and scroll down to read about (and see) Jamie Fraser
If that were the case, by all means, a full time photographer I would be!!
However, I can not bring myself to throw my perfect picture on here.  This ridiculous post is getting more narcissistic by the moment.....which is the opposite of my intention.

1. If you recall....I am trying to create a screen saver...not a scandal.
2. Do you think I would even write about this if it were anything like the above painting?!

So, ladies (and gents...because I can't think of anything more entertaining than the thought of my husband actually attempting to create boudoir photos to send to me!!!) if you need to add a little more spice to your marriage, it doesn't all have to happen in the kitchen spice cabinet.
I finally decided that it was time to throw on some lipstick and go for it. (I highly recommend the chrome filter.) I was not having any luck with the 'full facial frontal'...so I tried the "half face hair hide"....and we were good to go.

Give it a try.  That is why your phone has a delete button.  Thank God.  And a crop feature.  The older I get...the more I need to crop.  
Pretty soon, all my photos will look like this.

Anyway....I ended up with two options for his screen saver:

Photo 1: The "throw your hair over your face and pretend your are sexy."

Photo 2:  Reality
I decided that if I started sending my husband "sexy hair over your face" photos....he was definitely going to get the wrong idea.  I mean, come on!  I had no desire to get out of my sweat pants, shave my arm pits, or wear underwear that would ride up my ever-sagging butt.
Seriously?!  I was just making more work for myself!  
So, I opted to go with photo number two...because that is the look I give him when he starts playing "footsie" with me under the table anyway.
I know men have needs....so, I pulled out the recipe for Black Bean Enchilada Casserole, and got to work.  I even got a little wild, and used medium green chilis rather than mild.  Yes...I was going to spice up his night all right!  I put the tabasco on the table too.  I am just super accommodating like that.
So there you have it.  A spicy marriage...in under 10 minutes.
As the french say...oui!  Croissaint!  Merci Beaucoup!

And yes.  I am still procrastinating.  Who comes up with a post on Boudoir photos in order to avoid writing about their "31 Days of Taking on the To-Do List?"
I can only imagine what will happen tomorrow.
Maybe we will have to talk about this.

Until then.  Happy Tuesday!!


  1. HAHA! This just made my day. (And you do NOT look old enough to have been married for 19 years!) Thanks for sharing in the 31 Days craziness!

  2. Thank you Tabitha!! And yes...next year I think there should be a category for just "RANDOM CRAZINESS"....because I have now figured out that I am incapable of writing about anything that fits into a category! xo

  3. OMG! Thank goodness I am alone in my office today as I laughed and snickered and giggled all the way through this post! ��

  4. Denise! (I tried to reply to you on my phone several times...but to no avail!) So FINALLY....THANK YOU! ;) So glad you had a good chuckle over this. At least we now know how to take the perfect sexy selfie. Or maybe not. ;)