Wednesday, October 8, 2014
The Can Knots
For the past couple of weeks, I have been walking around with a knot in my stomach.
It could, potentially, have something to do with the new cleanse and pro-biotic vitamins I have been taking. That would make sense. It could also have something to do with the fact that I have literally been living on caramel apples and yogurt. (And I wish I was kidding.) However, this knot is definitely much more emotion driven. Some days, little things will set that knot on fire, and it will tighten and burn. It often surprises me what sets it off. It can be almost nothing. An unbecoming tone from someone's voice, a dish put away in the "wrong" spot, an errand that someone forgot to do. Today as I sat down to pay the bills, I got more and more frustrated as each time I tried to start, I realized I had forgotten something. A pen, the checkbook, stamps. Each time I got up to retrieve another item, my knot grew tighter and tighter.
I have also found that my tolerance level with my husband has been very low. I try to act like everything is fine and I'm feeling completely normal, but I am not. Or should I say I am KNOT.
The strange thing is....I don't know where this knot came from.
Typically, if I am walking around with a big chip on my shoulder, or in this case, knot in my stomach, I have some idea of what put it there. If I have no clue, I consult my calendar, which usually points out the obvious. Well, there is no obvious to blame at this time, so I have been digging a little deeper.
Something is throwing me off. I have been sabotaging my own success with the "31 Day To-Do List" and turning it into a "To-Don't List." Rather than get excited about things starting this month, I have been uptight about it. Instead of luxuriating in the fun of writing this blog...I have been beating myself up with "you need to do more." "Is this good enough?" "Are people even reading this?" And other self-defeating questions.
I don't take the time to walk the three steps to the piano behind me, and allow any creativity to flow there. Heck, the darn thing is even in tune...and I still ignore it.
Today in my think tank (aka: bathtub) I pondered. "What the heck is my problem??" "What am I holding on to so tightly that it is strangling me from the inside? What do I need to release to just feel that peace and contentment that was flowing through me just a few weeks ago?"
I waited for the lightbulb to turn on. Maybe I should have added some candles to the mix...or some incense. I needed some good ju ju flowing here...and nothing was happening.
I gave up on the tub....and moved toward dry land. I started thinking about what it is that I really wanted. This is always a hard thing for me. 1. Because it involves me actually making a decision, and 2. Because for some reason, I have become very limited in my ability to dream.
It's not that I don't know how to dream. I do. I just don't dream with the excitement and commitment that I used to. I think I throw way too much reality into it now. And I have allowed other people in my life to dampen any excitement I had for things I wanted that they maybe didn't think were possible...or probable. And that made me timid. And scared to share my dreams with them anymore.
It's silly and it's stupid....but it's so easy to do. And it's so hard to push back in the other direction.
Do you ever feel that you aren't encouraged, but rather, appeased?
That you are supported...but with little enthusiasm?
Isn't it funny how little actions can start to wear you down, and your armor starts to erode. It isn't because anyone wants to hurt you. It's usually the people or person who loves you the most. They don't even realize they are doing it. They smile, and they tell you "good job!" and pat you on the head as they walk away. If only we could make ourselves feel the way we feel when others build us up and encourage us to pursue our passion. Sometimes all we need is that little push. That extra nudge, that tells us that someone we trust really believes in us, and no matter what, is going to be there cheering us on every second of the way.
Here is my challenge to you.
1. Set aside 20 minutes everyday for the next two weeks to incorporate something into your day that feeds your soul. Maybe it is reading. Maybe it is singing, or dancing, or writing, or underwater basket weaving. Whatever it is...carve out a little extra time to do something just for you.
2. Is there someone in your life that could use that extra nudge? Might you be the person who can make a difference in their life by showing them your support and confidence in them....and encourage them to follow their dream?
I am going to keep working on loosening up my knot. I am also going to keep pushing my dreams to the front of my mind, while I put a gag on that little voice of self-doubt. It's time to take charge of my own destiny...and we only live once...so why not pursue what you love?!
It's time to start dreaming!