Thursday, November 20, 2014

In a cave with a crockpot.

So here is the deal.
It is impossible to maintain health eating habits (and I mean, like REALLY healthy eating) if you are too lazy to go to the grocery store.
I don't think I really got my point across to my (imaginary) personal shopper, housekeeper, chef and stylist, that when it snows, that means it is time for me to go into hibernation.
That doesn't mean that I just spend more time in my pj's.
No.  That means I actually plan to stay in my house, wearing ridiculously comfortable clothes, and sit either in front of the fireplace, or happily tucked in my bed for the remainder of the winter.
I see absolutely NO reason for me to step outside of my toasty little abode.
No reason at all.
I thought I would set a good example last week, so my (imaginary) personal chef could see how I expected the grocery shopping to be done.
I would really appreciate it if there were beautiful, gourmet dinners every evening, prepared from fresh, organic produce.
I don't think this is too much to ask? Is it?
But instead, here I am...reduced to this!

Ramen and pepsi?  Seriously?  At least I added some frozen peas...because that has really turned this into a highly nutritious meal.
No wonder I have had headaches and felt like crap for the past few days.
And then the vicious cycle begins.
I wake up feeling like a freight train has been running over my head for the past 7 hours or so.  By the time I return to the land of the living, it is usually late (very late) morning, and I'm typically not really ready to go until noonish.
My normal "work day" usually starts around, there you have it, I have blown all of the time I would have had to get anything extra (like grocery shopping) done.
I usually finish up with my lessons/rehearsals/mayhem around 7 or 8...and let's be honest...who wants to venture out into the dark and cold to spend an hour in the grocery store?  Especially when you are tired and starving.  My grocery bill would double if I shopped in that condition.
I am going to take a short break to mention that somehow, I did not prepare this ramen correctly.
I must have either over boiled it...or put too little water in it.  Whatever it tastes awful.
Peas and pepsi.
A lunch of champions.
Another interesting factor in this whole grocery shopping debacle is Mark's new mode of transportation.
When he used to drive to work, he would typically text on the way home to see if he should pick up anything at the store (which he drives right by on his route home) for dinner.
This was super handy, because there was always something I had forgotten to pick up, or an ingredient I was missing for my culinary masterpiece.  (Like the butter for the mac and cheese.) 

Now that he is biking every day, he never calls to see if he should pick something up.  Apparently, he has no desire to strap a rotisserie chicken or a lovely honey ham to his hockey helmet and bring dinner home.
He has become somewhat useless in the literal "bring home the bacon" department.
Then, there is the problem of "is anyone even going to BE home if I bother to make something?"
I am a huge fan of the crock pot.  I only started using it on a regular basis about a year or two ago (why I didn't start decades ago it beyond me) but I digress. 
The one problem with it (just like with everything else in my life) is that it does require a little planning.  You having the ingredients on hand is helpful.  Or being around to actually put those ingredients IN the crockpot is handy.  
If the stars align, and I manage to have all the ingredients, and I get them in the pot on time....the big question is....will anyone be home to actually eat any of it?
Why is life SO HARD?!!

We have another challenge in our house that we have been fighting for the past 14 years.  I am guessing some of you deal with the same issue.
The curse of the picky eater.
Child #1 was easy.  She loved food, especially GOOD food.  If we went to Burger King, she would order tomatoes. Seriously.
I still remember her asking for fruit when she was just learning to talk.
Canta-ope and boo-da-beddies peese!
(Cantalope and blueberries, case you don't speak toddler.)
Then child #2 was born....
and we were pretty sure that child services were going to come and take him away.  The kid wouldn't eat anything.  Well, he would eat candy.  Or the occasional cheerio.
Mark claims when he was a child, he lived on french fries and peanut butter on ritz crackers for three years.  I guess we know who to blame for this "picky eater" gene.
I would literally start to tear up when this boy would actually attempt to try a new food.  We would cheer any time we saw him eat at all.  It was ridiculous.
He would have happily sucked on a bottle and survived on a liquid diet into adulthood had we allowed it to happen.
Needless to say....he stressed us out.
He eats now (thank God) but our kids still pull the "we don't like what you made for dinner" crap.  I HATE THAT.  
I ask them what they like...what they want me to make....what they want me to buy.  I get nothing.  OR, I get "Oh, you know what we like."  OBVIOUSLY I do NOT know what you like, since I seem to make everything you will NOT eat. sucks to be them.
Mark and I will sit down to our lovely meal, and those two little *#&$(#*&# get to fend for themselves.
Gone are the days of me catering to the demands of the picky child.
That ended once I knew that no one would die of starvation, and I was relatively sure they could prepare their own food without burning my house down.
And so, I will keep a candle burning, while I watch for my (imaginary) house staff to arrive.  Until then, I guess I will struggle through...plodding through the motions of housewife and mother.  Putting on a good show for these people I live with, until I am finally allowed to go into hibernation for the winter, like every woman should!  

I even broke down and stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, my friends.
And I was hungry.  
You can bet your bottom dollar that I did NOT come home with a car full of organic produce like my (imaginary) chef Sven would have been instructed to do.
There were some obligatory vegetables and fruit...but there were many an item that did NOT fall in the "close to the source" category.
I am pretty sure those apple turnovers were NOT picked straight from the tree.  And those BBQ mini meatballs from the deli did not come directly from our dearly departed Bessie, the brown cow.
We won't even talk about that frozen pizza we just ate. 
These are the calamities that occur when our (imaginary) house staff chooses to leave us hanging out to dry.
I often wonder if "certain people" (me) would be better off if they came with a warning....such as "Best if not left alone with food" or "May become violent around insubordinate teenagers" or "Do not approach before noon."
You know....if they were just born with a handy tag /warning label attached.
I will continue to ponder these very important things while I attempt to solve all of the problems of the world.
But, before I do that, I think a nap may be in order.
Happy Hibernation!  (and Thursday!)

No comments:

Post a Comment