Saturday, October 4, 2014

All the Single Ladies...

Remember that clogged dishwasher in my kitchen?
My husband has not quite gotten around to dealing with that yet.  In other words, I have spent the better part of this week cleaning up after the messes my lovely children (and husband, of course) have left behind.  My daughter is particularly gifted at making mac and cheese at any given time of the day, eating about 3/4 of a cup of it, and then leaving the empty box, cheese package thingy, pot of leftover noodles, (with the spoon in it...shellacked with cheesy, noodley loveliness) on the stove top, and the un-rinsed bowl and fork sitting somewhere in the vicinity of the sink.  I LOVE IT!!! I can't think of anything I would rather do than try to scrub that cheese-glue off of those dishes!  I wish she would leave more for me to wash!! Oh wait....she did.

So, today, I have decided to pretend I am single and childless.  Just take a day and imagine what my life would be like if I had my own house, a sugar daddy, and all the time in the world.
First of all, I would be living here:
 In my adorable little cottage with a front porch and white picket fence.  

Now that I think about isn't much different from my current house....just a smaller, Beth-sized version.  And it has a front porch.  And a picket fence.  And no weeds.  And is just soooo much cuter.
(and yes....I just ran outside and took a picture of my house.  In my pajamas, of course.)

I could give you an entire pictorial tour of what the interior would look like...but we can save that for another day.  Just be assured that it would indeed include this:

Really, that is all I need to be happy.  Front porch, claw foot tub, chandelier.  Ok...there are other things, but these three items are deal breakers.

I have discovered some important things during my time as a single woman.  I think I will share them with you.

1.  I have no problem laying in bed for 5 hours watching TV before I get up for the day.
2. My dogs have no problem staying in bed for even longer than that.
3. When I do finally get up, and it's 1pm, I do not feel very good about myself.
4. The reason I don't feel good about myself is that I have blown 95% of my single woman time before those damn kids get home from school.
5. Next time I become a single woman, I should really clean the house first.
6. Being a single woman for one day is the equivalent of allowing yourself one piece of chocolate. Ever.
7. I wasn't kidding when I said I would need a sugar daddy.  If I were a single lady....I certainly would not want to leave my make-believe world (aka: perfect dream-cottage) and actually have to go to work and pay for it all by myself.
8.  I would be a kick-ass single lady.  (Until I got lonely)  I'm guessing....2 weeks max.
9. My dogs would be soooo happy if I were a single lady.
10.  My house would be clean and beautiful...ALL the time.
I decided to try out another theory I had....because why not?  I have obviously not gotten around to tackling that "to-do" list yet, so I thought I would at least engage in some "learning opportunities" for the time being.  I decided I would head to the grocery store, and shop as though I had only to worry about myself.  These are the items I came home with:

As you can see, my first goal was to choose only the healthiest foods.  I am a stickler when it comes to eating well, and treating my body with the love and respect it deserves. 

The second goal was budget.  I was looking for foods that were not only bursting with nutrients, but were also going to give me more "bang for my buck."  As you can see, I certainly did an excellent job there.  I mean really....why would anyone pay $1.99 for a box of brownie mix when you can get 6 pre-made brownies for the bargain price of $3.48?!!!  
I forgot to take a pic....but let me tell you...those deviled eggs I bought..(there were SIX...that means they used THREE WHOLE EGGS!!) for the low price of $3.01!!  Yes, I could have purchased a dozen for $1.59....but I would have had to BOIL them MYSELF!  It was SO much easier to just buy them already deviled!  And they almost tasted like they might have used real mayonnaise in the mix!
I'm not sure...but I am thinking that the $60 I spent at the grocery store last night (ok....there was a 6-pack of beer, and a jug of sweet tea also) might have been the best $60 I have ever spent!

As for the caramel apples.  It is a very good thing they are seasonal.  I buy them 4 at a time...since they are 2 for $5.  Yes, $10 worth of caramel apples every time I go to the store.  Luckily, I am the only one who eats them.  (Probably because the kids don't like them with peanuts, and I never buy them without, because I am a mean and horrible mother.) I picked up my typical four last night....and forgot to mention it to my husband.  This was maybe a bad thing, since I had also asked him to pick some up for me on his way home.  I now have 8.  
Have I mentioned I want to lose 20 pounds?

So, to summarize.
1.  I should never be allowed to shop alone.
2. I am pretty sure that I am too much for even a sugar daddy to deal with.
3. I may very well be, forever, washing others people's dishes.
4. Pinterest was invented for people like me, who need to pretend they will someday have a clean, beautiful home....all of their own.
5.  The deli section at the grocery store is the source of all evil.
6.  "Death by caramel apple" has not yet been proven to be a health risk.  Yet.
7.  I have 15 minutes before my kids get home.  But they do not have a house key.  Just saying...
8.  I need to investigate the possibility of having my house reduced in size and increased in "cuteness" once these teenagers who live here go to college.  Perhaps I can add a porch and reduce a mortgage.  Perhaps I'm living in la-la land.
9.  The ONLY thing I have accomplished during my ENTIRE day is to write about all of the things I did not accomplish during my ONE day of being free to potentially accomplish something.  
10.  My kids are home.  I forgot to lock the door.

So much for my life as a single lady. 

Happy Saturday! ;)

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